Never Is a Promise
by therunawaycullen
Summary: After Edward walked out of Bella's life, it had left her devastated and unable to cope with his departure. One day, the Cullens walked back into Bella's life begging her to help save Edward's life. Will she be willing to save his, when he shattered hers?
1. Vanilla Twilight

Author Notes: Hey, so this is the first time that I'm posting on . My story is validated and published over at . I'm a junkie over at that place. I love it there. I know a lot of you guys prefer , so I'm posting my chapters here. Don't forget to leave me a review and tell me what you think! Oh, and if you want to check out this story at Twilighted, my penname is Kayla Cullen.

Twilight and its Saga are owned by the beautifully talented Stephenie Meyer. She just brings out my inner vampire.

**BPOV**

It had been two days since Edward left with Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper to go hunting, and they still wouldn't be back for another day. I glanced at the time on my alarm clock and rolled my eyes in frustration with my inability to fall asleep. I was so accustomed to Edward taking up residence beside me on my bed all night that it threw me off on the days he had to be away from me. I would lay there, constantly thinking about him, and bring myself to the edge of insanity as I tried to find a way into a deep slumber. It was pathetic of me to have such separation anxiety, but I needed him to survive. Without him, it felt like my air supply was cut off.

When Edward was gone, my mind raced with thoughts that piqued my interest and heightened my curiosity. The fact that I was dating a vampire was one thing, but I wanted to know more. I wanted to know what blood lust felt like, what blood tasted like, and what Edward lived through in his 107 years. I could ramble on and on.

Edward and I had been dating for six months, and whenever I brought up the subject of vampires, he would tell me I knew everything I needed to know. One thing was for certain: Edward didn't condone changing me. He was a firm believer that vampires had no souls and were designed to kill, but I disagreed. I told him that he was a beautiful creature who probably had more soul than any human. Edward would just scowl and tell me to stop saying such absurd things. But I knew deep down, even in my severely exhausted state, that I wanted to become a vampire and stand beside him for eternity.

- -

I arrived at school with twenty minutes to kill, so I parked in my usual spot and used the time to catch up on some sleep. I shut my eyes and thought about Edward. Then, I didn't feel as lonely. The only reason school might not suck as bad as I thought it would was because Edward was returning tonight. As I started to fantasize about our reunion, I was startled by a smack on the driver's side window. It was none other than Angela Weber.

She was amazing. When Mike had introduced us to each other on my first day at Forks High, we instantly became great friends. She was genuine, down to earth, and nonjudgmental, which was something I couldn't say for a lot of people.

I smiled at her and opened the door to my truck. "Hey, Angela, what's up?"

Angela just stood there and looked at me with her shoulders slouched and her arms slung to her sides. I was about to make sure she was okay, but she finally spoke.

"Hey, Bella," she sighed.

I grabbed my school bag off the seat and got out of the truck. "Are you okay? You don't seem yourself."

"I'm fine."

The Angela I was met with today had me confused; she never acted this way. I wanted to question her about it, but I knew if she wanted to talk about it, she would.

"That's good." I didn't know what else to say.

For the first time in our friendship, I felt an awkward silence between us. While I tried to come up with a way to make the situation easier on the both of us, I brought up the English paper due next week.

"So, how's your English paper coming along?"

Angela said nothing. I decided to blow off all forms of communication and walk in silence with her instead. I noticed Angela wasn't keeping up, so I turned around to find her standing still with her hands clasped together, smiling.

_Angela, you're officially off your rocker._

"Angela... your mood swings are starting to give me whiplash. What is up with you?"

I crossed my arms over my chest and tapped my foot on the wet pavement impatiently, waiting for her to enlighten me.

The way Angela was acting irritated me; I knew these thoughts were ones that came from a lousy friend, but I couldn't help it. Of course, I would always be there to support Angela, but she had to throw me a bone. I thought I was a trusted friend. We didn't need to tip toe around each other or play games. I had enough with the silent treatment, but just as I opened my mouth to give her a piece of my mind, she enlightened me.

"BELLA, ERIC ASKED ME OUT!"

_Huh?_

Angela clapped her hands happily before she started up again.

"I'd been giving Eric hints since school started that I liked him, but he never picked up on them. I decided to ignore him to see if playing hard to get would get me anywhere, and luck was on my side, because it did!" she squealed.

Angela skipped forward and hugged me vigorously. While I hugged her back, I couldn't help but feel as though I had neglected her in some way. I would have to sit her down and make her spill everything, but right now, I would mirror the excitement that radiated off of her.

"I'm happy for you, Angela! We can start double dating now."

Angela pulled out of our hug and laughed at my comment while we made our way into the school.

"Look, Bella, I'm sorry I acted weird... I just didn't know... I felt that... I didn't know how you would react, because I never told you I liked him. I knew that I should have told you right from the beginning, but I was slightly embarrassed of what you would think of me. I just thought I would ride it out to see where my feelings for him went and what came of it."

"Wow," I said shaking my head quizzically. "Um, yeah, Angela... Don't worry. I get why you would wait to start telling people, but know I would never judge you... like, ever."

"Okay, good. So, I'm forgiven?"

"There is nothing to forgive, Angela."

"Ah, Bella, there's Eric. I'm gonna talk to him before class. I'll see you at lunch?" Angela said, looking at me questioningly.

Seeing Angela all giddy that _her_ boyfriend was at his locker and _mine_ wasn't made me jealous in a five-year-old kind of way. I knew deep down I was happy for her, so I tried my hardest to push my immature jealousy aside.

"Uh, yeah, of course... at lunch."

"Good. I'll see you then," she said as she waved at me and walked towards Eric.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and reminded myself repeatedly that I would be seeing Edward tonight. I opened up my locker and started to take out my books when I saw Mike walking towards me in my peripheral vision. _Great._

"Hey, Arizona! You ready for the math test today?" he asked, as he swung his arm around my shoulder.

"Hey, Mike. Of course I'm ready for the math test. Are you?" I lied, a little annoyed at his arm gesture.

Mike had an instant crush on me when I had first arrived at Forks High. He had asked me to the school dance, but I had declined, telling him I couldn't dance and that I didn't like it enough to try. I convinced him to ask our friend, Jessica Stanley. They ended up going with each other and became a couple soon after, but that didn't stop him from being a little flirtatious with me when Edward wasn't in school.

"Of course, I _am _the math guru."

I shook my head and chuckled. Mike could be an arrogant asshole at times, but he had the best intentions. That being said, with all Mike's annoying characteristics aside, he was a good buddy.

On our way to Chemistry, Mike rambled on aimlessly about stuff I couldn't care less about, so I let my thoughts drift to Edward. I couldn't wait to smell his beautifully scented skin; it smelt like honey and sandalwood. I wanted to touch his cool, hard alabaster skin, kiss him passionately and hold him all night long.

I was suddenly pulled out of my reverie when Mike's hand waved in front of my face.

"Bella, are you with me? You look like you've seen a ghost," he said, laughing.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about the English paper due next week," I lied as I crossed my arms over my chest and slouched in my seat.

Mike just grinned and nodded his head before he returned his attention to the lesson.

The bell rang after second period and I made my way to the cafeteria. I pushed the door open, and my eyes immediately fell on the empty table where the Cullens "ate," an ache pulsing through my heart. I walked towards my usual seat, noticing Jessica smiling and waving at me frantically. _Here comes the third degree._

Jessica had outlined the Cullen family for me when I saw them walk into the cafeteria on my first day. She had told me they were all adopted by Dr. Carlisle Cullen and his wife, Esme, and that they were "together." Alice was dating Jasper and Emmett was dating Rosalie, which left Edward alone. Once I saw Edward, I was unable to look away. I felt a magnetic pull towards him, and I couldn't tear myself away from him. He was absolutely intoxicating, and from that day on, Edward was my addiction. I needed him to survive.

I put my tray on the table and slumped down in my seat. I waved at everybody and smiled while I tried very hard to ignore Jessica, who was staring at me with a questioning look on her face.

"So, Bella... Where's Edward?" Jessica demanded.

A few weeks after I had started dating Edward, the shock of our relationship eventually died down, but not for Jessica. Our relationship wasn't some big thing, but she fed off anything she could get her hands on.

Jessica told me that everybody at Forks High thought the Cullens were snobby rich kids who didn't give a shit about anybody but themselves. She was wrong, obviously; they were vampires trying to hide their true existence by blending in with society.

"He went camping this weekend, but he should be back _today,_ Jessica."

"They go camping way too much. It's weird. You know, my parents never let me miss school when I'm sick, let alone to go camping."

I looked at Angela pleadingly, silently begging her to save me. She pulled out_ Wuthering Heights_ from her school bag and slammed it on the table, grabbing Jessica's attention.

"Bella, you've read this book so many times. I don't get it, so I really need your help in writing my paper. Maybe put it in REAL English for me?"

"Sure, text me later and we will set up a time to meet, cool?"

"Ugh... you're a lifesaver, thanks."

When everybody started to talk amongst themselves again, I mouthed a 'thank you' to her and she just simply nodded while taking a bite of her apple.

---

While I was trying to answer one of the questions on my math test, I could feel my frustration getting the best of me. I threw my pencil on the desk on the verge of giving up, when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. My heart began to flutter and I had butterflies in my stomach; I knew it was Edward. I put my hand in my pocket and took my phone out slowly, trying to be discrete. I flipped it open under the desk and read the text.

I can't wait to see your beautiful face. I miss you. -E

I smiled as I stared at the text, but quickly looked up to see if Mrs. Trent had seen me on my phone. The last thing I needed was to have my test taken away and be sent to the office to explain myself. I answered a few more questions on my test before I flipped open my cellphone and texted him back.

You don't know how much I crave you, Edward. I miss you, too. -B

I hit send and bit my bottom lip to stop myself from smiling. I put my cell back in my pocket before I finished up my test and handed it in. I sat back down and looked at the clock, 2:55 P.M, five more minutes until I was free, and that much closer to being with Edward. The bell finally rang. I hurried to my locker to grab my things and booked it out of there.

I arrived home and decided to make lasagna for dinner. Lately, I had been spending all my free time with Edward, so this would give me the perfect opportunity to spend time with the other constant man in my life, my dad.

As I took the lasagna out of the oven, I heard Charlie's cruiser pull up in the drive way. I grabbed a beer and a bottle of water from the fridge, and set it on the table as Charlie made his way into the kitchen.

"Hey, Bells, it smells good in here."

Charlie and I had a good relationship. We weren't people of many words, but I think we understood each other better that way.

"Hey, and thanks. How was work?"

Charlie hung up his coat and took a seat at the table while eying me suspiciously.

"Work is work. Nothing exciting about keeping people safe and in place. But, uh, enough about me. You didn't happen to skip out on school today, did ya?"

_I wouldn't have been so lucky._

"No, I didn't...and if I did, they would've called to justify my absence." I sat down at the table and opened my bottle of water. "Why?"

Charlie opened his beer and took a pull before he replied to my question.

"Well, I was on duty in Port Angeles today and saw Edward leaving a store. I don't want you ditching and lowering your grades for that boy Bel-"

"Um, no, he told me yesterday he wasn't feeling well, so maybe he was just picking up medicine or something," I said as I took a mouthful of lasagna.

Medicine or something?

Edward was back and didn't think to tell me?

_Ouch._

Charlie noticed a change in my mood and changed the subject.

"Anyway, Billy invited us down on Saturday night for dinner. Wanna give the old man some company?"

I ignored Charlie's question; I was seething. The feeling wouldn't leave my body. I saw red and couldn't concentrate on anything. My mind was going a million miles a minute and I wanted to confront Edward. He was back in town and he didn't even tell me? Why? Did he even go hunting? Why didn't he come to see me... or... come to school? I was more hurt than anything. I felt unimportant and unworthy of his time. I knew one day Edward would figure out that he deserved better than me, I just didn't know it would come so soon.

I pushed all thoughts of Edward to the back of my mind. I thought about Saturday night and seeing Jacob, Billy's son. Thinking about Jacob just made me more angry. When Jacob and Edward met for the first time, they instantly hated each other. I didn't get it; it seemed that everybody important to me hated each other. I was getting tired of being kept in the dark and I wasn't going to deal with it any longer. I was going to start demanding answers. I was going to ask Jacob about his hatred for Edward, and I wasn't going to let him blow me off again. I didn't want to start choosing between my best friend and the love of my life.

I had gotten up and cleared the table while Charlie made his way to the living room to watch sports news. I put the dishes in the sink and stared out the window. I wondered if Edward was out there, watching me.

I took the time to clean the kitchen thoroughly and cool down my heated emotions. I didn't want to overreact to a situation that could have easily been avoided. I wanted to get the day over with, so I could think rationally. Once I finished cleaning the kitchen, I made my way up to my room and as soon as I opened my bedroom door, I was hit with the scent of honey and sandalwood. I quickly took a look around the room to see if Edward was there, but he was gone. Disappointment ran its course through my heart as tears blurred my vision and sobbed quietly. I loved him so much and wanted nothing more than to be in his arms, but he was avoiding me and it hurt like hell.

I stood motionless in the middle of my room while I tried to compose myself. I wiped my tears away and brushed my fingers through my hair before I made my way over to my bed. I sat down and reached over to turn on my bedside lamp. It was then that I noticed a note propped up on my nightstand with my name written in Edward's handwriting. I immediately felt dread drop to the pit of my stomach at the unknown contents of the letter, so I took a deep breath before I opened it up and started to read.

_My love, my life, my Bella,_

_I came to personally deliver this note to you. It took all my strength to leave your room and not await your return from dinner. As you could probably guess, Alice had a vision of Charlie telling you he saw me in Port Angeles, and you wouldn't be pleased with the given information. Please don't cry, my Bella, and know that I am not hiding from you, but a surprise awaits you. You are my life, Bella. Please do not doubt that. I need you to live, remember that._

_Yours forever, _

_Edward_

I let out a long sigh as relief washed over me. I should have known Alice would have seen my emotional turmoil. I felt a tinge of guilt for the fact that I automatically assumed the worst case scenario when Edward deserved the benefit of the doubt. I set the note back on the night table before I lay down, and wondered exactly what Edward had in store for me.

I closed my eyes and started to drift to sleep when I heard a soft thump. I quickly sat up and scanned the room for the source of the noise. At first, all I could detect was the newly opened window, the cool breeze drawing the scent of rain into my room. Then my eyes fell upon the rather handsome vampire standing in the shadows.


	2. Love and Some Verses

BPOV

_I smiled as I pushed myself to my knees and crawled over to the end of my bed where Edward stood. My heart fluttered inside my chest and my desire ignited with his presence. I took a deep breath and inhaled his scent, the one scent that I had craved for three days._

_"Hi," I said as I lifted myself to my knees, coming face-to-face with him._

_"I hope you're not upset with me. I wasn't avoi-"_

_"I know...and I'm not upset," I interrupted as I grabbed his shirt and pulled him against me._

_I shivered at the sensation of his cool hands caressing the sides of my stomach. My eyes closed at the intensity of his touch and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him even closer. I was trapped in the heat of the intoxicating moment and it altered my judgment. I placed an open-mouthed kiss on his cool, pale throat, but paused when I felt Edward tense beneath my lips. I slowly unraveled my arms from around his neck and kneeled down on my bed, watching him closely. I felt guilt course through me; how could I have been so inconsiderate? Why couldn't I think...just for once? The desire I had had for him abruptly turned into shame for myself._

_"I'm sorry," I said shakily._

_Edward didn't respond, but I continued to keep my gaze locked on his face._

_Panic settled in my stomach and I felt paralyzed. The silence in my room was deafening and it had begun to eat its way through me. Time seemed to suspend, and fear crept up my body. I wasn't afraid that Edward would hurt me; I was afraid of his rejection._

_I heard a quiet rumble erupt deep within his chest, and my anxiety built. I inwardly begged for him to open his eyes, to look at me, to smile, to say something, but there was nothing. My nerves made me ill and I needed to try again. I couldn't stand the silence anymore._

_"Edward, please open your eyes...I didn't mean to..." I heard my voice crack as I tried to stifle my cry._

_My vision blurred from tears fighting for an escape. I blinked once to clear them away and when I looked back at Edward, he was staring at me. Edward took my hands and pulled me back up, placing my arms back around his neck. He hugged me tightly and sighed into my hair._

_"Don't cry, Bella. I should be the one apologizing, not you. I should have more control, considering I just came back from hunting, and I don't. It's extremely frustrating. Just...take it easy...don't move too fast. Please?" he asked, resting his foreheard against the crook of my neck._

_Edward was always afraid that he would give into his blood lust and kill me. I knew that he would never allow himself to act upon it, but he needed to see that as clearly as I did. A lot of my time with Edward was spent convincing him he could, in fact, be intimate with me. We had made some progress from the beginning, but I wanted more than make out sessions and being held. I tried to push things further with Edward on many occasions, but he would get upset at my forwardness, and tell me that I didn't understand the implications of "progressing intimately" with him._

_"I missed you." I wanted to lean in and feel his cool, stony lips against mine so badly, but I knew better._

_"I missed you more, my love," he said, lifting his face from my neck and smiling weakly._

_"Not possible." I tangled my fingers through the hair on the nape of his neck. My breathing had become shallow and labored with the need to taste him._

_"Hmm." Edward lightly chuckled and shook his head._

_"What?"_

_"I can't help but think you're having a hard time controlling your lust for me," he joked as he brought his hand to the side of my face, caressing my cheekbone lightly._

_"Maybe if you kissed me already, I wouldn't be having such a hard time," I said sarcastically, raising an eyebrow._

_"I want to kiss you, Bella, but I also want to connect with you. I don't want to dive into things."_

You never want to dive into things_, I thought. I shook my head in annoyance, and diverted my eyes from Edward's._

_"Bella, c'mon. Please don't look away from me."_

_In some fucked up way, I was upset. I knew what he meant by wanting to connect, but I couldn't avoid feeling somewhat rejected...again. I pushed out from Edward's hold and folded my arms over my chest as I walked over to look out my window. I fought to control the tears that had stung the rims of my eyes - something that had happened so often._

_"Please don't be upset - this isn't easy for me. I could hurt you, Bella."_

_I felt my face heat up as my anger started to rise. I knew better than to be angry with the fact that my selfish need for him wasn't being fulfilled. I understood where Edward was coming from, but all I asked for was a little understanding in return. This wasn't what I had expected our reunion to be like, but since the topic was already out in the open..._

_"Cut the fucking 'I could hurt you' crap, Edward. I am so sick of hearing about it!" I whisper-shouted as I turned to face him._

_I was disgusted with myself for picking a fight tonight. I knew when I had started dating Edward, there were boundaries we couldn't pass and I had accepted them. It never meant I had to like, or agree with it, though._

_"Really? You're so sick of hearing about how I could – right now – KILL you?" he spat._

_I wiped my tears away and ran a hand through my hair before I answered him. "Yes I am, Edward. Every day I stand beside you, support and understand you. I'm not saying that I hate doing it because I don't - I love it. But sometimes...just sometimes, I would like a little understanding, too. I know I'm the 'weak and fragile human,' as you and your family never seem to let me forget, but my feelings are the same. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to be intimate with the one man I am willing to give up my fucking humanity for. If you can't...if you can't get closer with me...then maybe..."_

_I started to sob before I could finish the thought. I couldn't tell him that maybe we should break up. It was a selfish and hurtful thing to do. I just wanted him to feel as hurt and rejected as I did._

_In an instant, Edward stood in front of me and grabbed the sides of my face, forcing me to look at him._

_"No...don't you dare finish that thought. Know that I want to kiss, taste, and feel every inch of your body. Know that I...that I...fuck." He let go of my face and pushed his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Know that I want to make love to you, Bella."_

_I stared at him dumbfounded; I was shocked by his sudden confession. We could hardly make out for more than ten minutes and because of that, I never expected Edward to give much thought to having sex._

_"Edward I-"_

_"Bella, you have to understand that I don't enjoy holding back from you and making you upset. I hate that I'm a monster who has to fight a need to kill you. But you need to understand that this isn't some fantasy game - this is reality. You were never meant for my world, but because I can't stay away from you, I need to protect you. I don't feel that I am keeping you safe when I'm constantly putting you in danger and risking your life," he stressed, pacing my room._

_"Alice doesn't see any harm being done, Edward, so we can do this."_

_"Alice's visions change - they're subjective. Right now, I am deciding not to drain your blood, but what if in the next ten seconds I should give into my blood lust? Alice won't see that until it's too late. Do you not see that as a problem?"_

_"No, I don't, because I know you won't give in."_

_"You can't be so sure, Bella. You trust too easily."_

_"Edward, if you wanted to kill me, you would have fucking done so. Do you not realize that? I love you and it hurts allowing you to hold back, when all I want to do is be with you. In our own way, we have to fight off our addictions right? Do you think just because I'm human I have perfect self control? Because I don't. It hurts me when you say things like that about yourself. You're a good man Edward, fucking see it already!" I threw up my hands up in frustration._

_I was a broken record. I had been a broken record for the last six months._

_"Bella, I don't mean to hurt you...I don't want too, but I'm scared." He crossed my room to where I stood and hugged me._

_"You don't have to be, Edward, I know you won't. You think you're some monster, but you're not. I'm just tired of you not seeing it." I pushed my face into his chest and hugged him back._

_"I'm trying to see it, Bella."_

_"I know you would never hurt me, and you will protect me as long as I need protecting. I would never question that, or think you were doing a lousy job."_

_"Sometimes I can't help but think I'm doing a lousy job, Bella."_

_"Why do you think that?" I looked at him, confused._

_"Because James almost killed you, remember?"_

_"I remember. But I also remember that when James bit me, YOU sucked the venom from my blood, YOU stopped when there was no more venom left, and YOU had control of your blood lust. I remember that Alice, Jasper and Emmett helped you get rid of him, and I remember YOU saved my life."_

_"Bella, if something happened and you were taken away from this world, I would follow you. I wouldn't want to exist in a world without you in it."_

_"Edward, don't say things like that...ever. Can we just forget about it? Please?"_

_Edward hissed and started to pace the room again._

_"Edward, SIT DOWN!"_

_He immediately sat in my rocking chair and looked at me with a shocked expression on his face. I made my way over to him and crouched down by his knees. I grabbed his hand softly and intertwined our fingers._

_"Edward, you're such a stubborn vampire. I'm going to say this one more time, so be sure to listen carefully, okay?"_

_He nodded in response, keeping eye contact with me._

_"Edward, you need to realize that everything is going to be okay. You have been gone for three days and I've missed you, and I want to spend happy time with you-"_

_Edward had opened his mouth to protest, but I place my index finger over his lips to keep him from interrupting me, and continued on._

_"All that matters is right now, and right now, I am asking you to kiss me already. Can you do that for me?"_

_Edward stood up and pulled me up along with him. I was confused with what he was doing, until he smiled seductively at me. I felt a blush rise in my cheeks, leaving me breathless. Edward held up my right hand and placed his other one on my back, before he dipped me slowly backwards over his forearm. I immediately felt the blood rush to head as my heart thrashed uncontrollably inside my chest. Edward took his gaze off my eyes and diverted them to my lips. I licked them on impulse, capturing my bottom lip between my teeth, which elicited a seductive growl from Edward's chest. I felt the vibration course through my body and it left me all hot and bothered._

_He leaned in and pressed his lips against mine with a gentle force. He captured my bottom lip between his and sucked on it softly, making us both moan into each other's mouths. I placed my hands on either side of his face and deepened our kiss hungrily; I could never get enough of his sweet taste. I slid my tongue over Edward's bottom lip and he finally granted me entrance into his icy mouth. The warmness of my tongue caressing the coolness of his made my whole body shiver. I could have stayed in that moment forever. But all too soon, he pulled away and lifted me back upright._

_He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Was that the kiss you've been waiting all weekend for, Miss Swan?"_

_I tried to find my voice and gain composure after having what was probably the most passionate kiss ever. I heard Edward chuckle as he placed his lips on my jugular and pressed them firmly against my racing pulse. I let out a small moan in response, ignoring the fact that not only was this dangerous for him, but also dangerous for me._

"I'm up for going to La Push this weekend. How about you, Bella?" Angela asked.

I snapped out of my daydream when I had heard Angela say my name. I tired to gather my thoughts to figure out something to answer with, but Angela got impatient.

"Well, are you in, or not?"

I didn't know exactly what was going on down at First Beach this weekend. I tried to cover up that I had been daydreaming, and ignoring what was going on at the table, but I failed miserably.

"Um, what's going on down at La Push? I wasn't paying attention."

"We noticed, Bella," Tyler laughed as he nudged my shoulder.

"Tyler, shut up. Now, Bella, try and stay with us." Angela winked at me before she filled me in. "We're going down to La Push to hang out and maybe even try surfing again. It's supposed to be sunny this weekend...you should come."

"Angela, I don't-"

"Of course she will go with you," Edward interrupted.

My eyes shot up and I turned to him in disbelief. I found myself wondering why Edward was so willing to hand me off to my friends, especially when it involved La Push. It was where Jacob lived – his nemesis and my best friend.

Insecurity flooded my body, and panic settled in my stomach. What if he had reanalyzed our relationship while I was asleep last night? Had he decided that being with me was too much of a burden on him and his family? I internally begged for the negative thoughts that had circled my mind to be ridiculous nonsense. I crammed the questions to the back of my mind and answered Angela; I didn't need my friends thinking I had gone completely insane.

"Uh, I would, but I have plans this weekend with my dad. Remember, Edward?"

"Ugh, you suck. Next time you have to come, Bella. I'm free Sunday night, so if you wanted to get together and work on our English paper, we can," Angela replied.

"Yeah, sure. I'll text you before I come over."

"Don't forget." She smiled.

"I won't," I said, rolling my eyes.

Everybody started to plan the trip down to La Push amongst themselves, and I turned to face Edward. He was having a conversation with Eric, which had me slightly annoyed. Never once had he given the time of day to my friends. I sat there trying to figure out exactly why he had started. With every one sitting around, laughing and joking with each other, I was bitter. I just wanted to be alone to figure out Edward's thoughts.

"Okay, well, I'm heading back. I need to grab my books before class." It was the only excuse I could come up with without being questioned.

I swung my backpack over my shoulder. I didn't bother waiting around for their goodbyes or Edward. My stomach churned with uneasiness and I felt like I was going to wretch.

As I made my way down the hall, I heard hurried footsteps behind me. Edward called out to me.

"Bella, wait up!"

I continued to walk, ignoring him. He quickly caught up to me and grabbed my arm to stop me from walking.

He turned me to face him. "Why are you upset?"

"I'm not upset. I just...Edward, since when have you been so keen on being apart from me? And it involves being down at La Push, might I add?" I questioned.

Edward let go of my arm and his hands balled into fists. His body tensed and he took an unnecessary deep breath in.

"Bella, I just think you shouldn't neglect your friends for me anymore."

Neglect them anymore?

"Not attending the trip to La Push is hardly neglecting them, Edward," I said pointedly.

"I suppose, but I think you should experience things with them, that's all." He brought his hand up to my face and tucked my hair behind my ear.

I felt resentful of him, so I backed away from his touch. "Well...if I go, it's because I want to. Not because you say I should."

Edward winched at my gesture and put his hands into his pockets. "I know, Bella."

I continued to walk down the hall and he followed.

"So, what is it that you're doing with Charlie this weekend?"

"We're just going out for dinner. Nothing special," I partially lied.

I felt guilty holding the whole truth from Edward. But I was the one who was stuck in the middle of their hatred towards each other, and I didn't even get myself there. Telling Edward would just make him unnecessarily upset and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. Edward was my boyfriend, and Jacob was my best friend. If I had to keep quiet about certain things to keep them there. I would.

"I think it's nice. Charlie never really gets to see you anymore."

"Yeah, I guess."

I didn't know what else to say. I was upset and feeling the same rejection that seemed to be all too common around Edward lately. I had a hard time wrapping myself around the new outlook Edward seemed to have. I didn't know what could have made this change, but it worried the hell out of me.

–

I was anxious to get to Edward's place. I felt relieved knowing that I would be able to sit down and talk with him. Any other time, I would have told myself I was just over-thinking things and being paranoid. But Edward had me spooked. It was completely out of the ordinary for him to hand me off. Normally, he would barely let me out of his sight.

I grabbed the rest of my things and shut the door to my locker. Before I could turn and walk away, I was startled by the cool arms that wrapped around waist from behind.

"May I have the honor of walking you to my car?"

I relaxed slightly at the sound of his voice and smiled.

"Of course you can. The pleasure is mine." I turned around in his embrace and placed a kiss on his chin.

We made our way across the lot to Edward's car. He held the door open for me before he made his way around to the driver's side. During the ride back, we held hands in comfortable silence and I was glad. It gave me time to think about how I was going to bring up our conversation in the hall, and what to say. I was focused on the trees that were blurred with Edward's speed, when I realized we weren't going in the right direction.

"Edward, this is the way to my house," I said confusedly.

"I know. That's where I'm taking you."

"What? Why? I thought I was spending the night with you."

When Edward didn't respond right away, dread filled my stomach and bile started to rise in my throat. He pulled up in front of my house and turned off the engine before he turned to look at me.

"Bella, I'm sorry, but we can't spend the night together."

I felt my heart drop to my feet.

"Why not?" I said as fear began to ring in my ears.

Edward shifted uncomfortably in his seat and gripped the steering wheel. He looked away from me and stared out the windshield. My nerves began to rattle my body, and I found myself scared of his answer. I was yet again convinced that this was just some other excuse to not have me around.

"I have to help Emmett with a personal matter, and it can't wait," he said, without looking at me.

"Oh...what happened?" I asked concerned.

"It's not right for me to advertise his problems, Bella. Surely you can understand?" he asked, now making eye contact with me.

I snorted and shook my head before I responded. I was his girlfriend and he couldn't confide in me? Maybe if I brought my concern out into the open, he could help destroy it.

"I understand, but what the hell is going on Edward? First, you tell me to hang out with my friends because I apparently neglect them too much, and now you're telling me we can't spend time together? What the fuck? Could you not have told me this at school?" I said sourly.

"Calm down, Bella, you're reading too much into things. Alice told me before I came to get you after school that something was up, and I will tell you what's going on when the time is right. I do have to get going, so call Alice. I'm sure she would love to hear from you and hang out." He leaned in and kissed me softly.

I was burning up with his cold words, but it was soon forgotten when his lips touched mine. I closed my eyes in defeat and kissed him back with everything I had. While his cool lips brushed up against mine, I had a moment of clarity; I knew that Edward would never leave me. I knew that he had felt the same way for me as I for him. I knew that we would be together forever regardless of what happened. I knew that I could stop internally battling my insecurities.

I knew all this until he pulled his lips away from mine, and I was brought back into reality.

"When will I see you?" I sighed.

"Later on this evening."

"Okay." I felt my throat tighten up and held my tears in with such force, it hurt.

Something kept me from telling Edward exactly how I felt. I was unsure of where all the sudden doubt was coming from. I had become the girlfriend I swore to myself I would never be.

I turned to let myself out of the car, but stopped. I felt compelled to plead with him, but I had no words to say. I turned back around, grabbed his hand, and brought it up to my lips. I placed needy, desperate kisses on every inch of his cold, granite hand; I wanted him to know that I loved him, that he belonged to me, and nobody else. When I felt I did all I could do, I immediately felt ashamed. I had brought myself to a whole new low, and I couldn't take it back.

"Bella? Isabella...please look at me," he pleaded softly.

I couldn't. I felt pathetic.

Edward took my hand and started tracing circles on my palm with his cool, icy fingers. I found it relaxing and it calmed me down a bit.

"You're worried about something. What is it?" I could hear concern laced in his voice and I could tell he truly cared.

I finally opened my eyes and looked at him. His eyes were full of worry and his eyebrows were furrowed. I looked down at our intertwined fingers and tried to banish the rising anxiety that was building up all too quickly before I answered him.

"I...I...I'm just, um, feeling a bit unusual today. I have a lot of things on my mind."

"I know I can't read your mind, but I can take a guess. I guess that... you're thinking back to study hall and why I did what I did. I only answered for you because of what your friends think of me. I didn't want them thinking – what was it they called me – oh yeah, an 'anti-social' loser."

My eyes shot up and I looked at him in shock. "What? They said that? No, Edward, you're not. They just don't know you like I do."

"I'm not upset about it, Bella. I find it amusing. I'm just being social with them because I know how much they mean to you. I don't want you to think that I'm trying to get rid of you, because I'm not. I can sense your unease and I want you to know that you have nothing to worry about. It bothers me to see you so upset."

"I just thought...I know this sounds fucked up, but I thought you were trying to push me away. I overreacted...I'm sorry," I said quickly, feeling a bit relieved by Edward's explanation.

"Don't ever be sorry, Bella. I will never leave you. I know you have trouble believing that, but I won't," he said confidently.

"I won't leave you either...ever...I won't." Just thinking about leaving Edward brought an almost physical pain to my body. It was unfathomable.

"Good. I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too."

He kissed me one last time before I got out of his car. I waved at him from my porch, and watched him as he drove out of sight. I would always be scared Edward would vanish from my life because of the dangers that went along with his. I wanted to make a better life for both of us, one where there weren't any risks, or blood lust, or fragile humans. I wanted to become a vampire. I wanted to convince Edward that changing me was the best solution to all our problems, and the most reasonable option. I pushed all these thoughts to the back of my mind - for now.

–

"Hi, Bella!" Alice chimed, and within a second she stood before me as I got out of my truck.

"Hey, Alice." I grabbed my overnight bag from the passenger's seat and shut the door with my foot.

"This is so exciting! C'mon, I have to show you something!" She grabbed my hand, leading me inside.

As we entered Alice's room, she let go of me and skipped towards her walk-in closet. I made myself comfortable on her bed and flipped through one of her fashion magazines. I looked up when I heard Alice shut her closet door, making the blood immediately drain from my face.

"I'm not putting that on, Alice," I said firmly

She was holding a cream colored Bias Chiffon dress. The only reason I knew of this designer was because Alice had shown it to me in one of her Vogue magazines.

She stomped her foot and sighed. "Please, just try on the dress. I bought it because I thought you'd like it."

She swung the dress back and forth trying to persuade me enough to put it on.

"Alice, how many times do I have to tell you not to buy me things that I'm never going to wear?"

I had to stand my ground around Alice, or I would be deemed her mannequin for the rest of the evening. I was about to explain the definition of "no means no" to her again, but she pouted and her eyes slanted with sadness. I caved.

"Ugh, fine. Pass the dress over," I said, defeated.

"Oh yay! You're going to look beautiful!" she squealed.

I scowled and got off the bed to grab the dress from Alice. I made my way into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I banged my head against the back of the door a few times, before reluctantly putting the dress on. When I had finally gotten the damn thing on, I tried to pull up the zipper on the back myself, but I needed Alice's assistance. I clutched the dress around the chest area to keep it from falling off and opened the bathroom door. When I walked out of the bathroom, Alice was talking hurriedly on her cell phone with her back facing me.

"Just do what you can. You don't have enough time," she said impatiently.

"Alice?"

She gasped and snapped her phone shut before she turned around to face me.

Her eyes gave me a full body scan and she smiled, clapping her hands happily. "Bella, you look beautiful. A perfect fit!"

"Thanks, I guess." No matter how many times somebody complimented me, I would always become uncomfortable and turn ten shades of red. I wanted to take the attention off me, so I changed the subject. "So, not enough time for what?"

"Oh...Rosalie is in Seattle shopping and couldn't decide on what dress to buy. I told her to hurry up, or she wouldn't be back in time for school tomorrow."

Lie number one.

I knew Alice had lied. It bothered me immensely, but I refused to let something else eat at my confidence today, so I ignored it.

"I just need help with the zipper," I said as I turned my back towards her.

Alice walked over and pulled it up before she ran her hands down the dress, smoothing it out. She then guided me to the full length mirror in the corner of her room, and I took myself in. The dress was snug around the breast area, and it flowed down my body smoothly, the hem of the dress slightly hitting my toes. As I looked at the reflection staring back at me, I could hardly recognize myself. It wasn't very often that I dressed up. But when I did, I felt beautiful. I continued to take myself in, but I was interrupted when I felt Alice tugging at my hair.

"Alice, please don't do anything with my hair." She tugged a little harder and I yelped.

"Oh shut up, Bella. I'm only taking it out of this rat's nest you put it in."

"Thanks, Alice," I said sarcastically.

"Sorry, Bella, but it's true. You have such beautiful hair and you don't flaunt it."

I rolled my eyes at her comment and she suddenly stopped prying at my hair. I looked at her through the reflection of the mirror and she looked a thousand miles away. This could only mean one thing - she was having a vision.

"Alice?" Nothing, so I tried again.

"ALICE!" I yelled as I snapped my fingers.

"Huh? What?" She shook her head to clear her thoughts. "On second thought, I think I'll leave your hair the way it is."

"No, no, no. Not so fast, Alice, you were having a vision, weren't you?" I turned to her and grabbed her arm to stop her from walking away from me.

"No, I wasn't. I was just thinking about the dress Rosalie thought of buying. It's repulsive," she scoffed.

Lie number two.

"Alice, sorry to be crass, but you're fucking me up the ass right now. Don't think I don't know it. I'm not going to dwell on this right now, because I have other things to worry about, but stop lying. You suck at it."

"Bella...I -"

"No, Alice. You don't need to explain, it's fine. Edward said you guys would tell me about Emmett when the time was right."

"Right." She looked at me, confused.

Alice turned around, walked over to her dresser, and pulled a shoe box out from underneath. She lifted the top off, and smiled before she handed it to me. It was a pair of cream colored ballet flats.

"Here, Bella. I hope you like them," she said sadly, managing to let out a weak smile.

I knew she was hurt by my lashing out earlier and I did feel bad about it, but she needed to know that I couldn't be lied to.

"Thank you, Alice, they're beautiful." I slid them on and walked around the room to get a feel for them.

"No problem. It makes me happy knowing you have a fashion sense after all."

I rolled my eyes at her, and looked at myself in the mirror again.

Alice walked over to her dresser and threw on a long, knitted gray sweater. She looked over her shoulder and eyed me questioningly.

"What?" I asked her snottily.

"Bella? Do you want to go for a walk...I'm bored."

"In this dress? It cost more than my life, Alice!"

"Don't say such things, Bella. Let's go," she said as she walked past me towards her door.

"You can't be serious about this walk?" I asked her in disbelief.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't feel comfortable walking outside in this dress for no reason."

"Don't be silly. Put this on and you'll be fine." She took a midnight blue shall off the hook on the back of her door and tossed it to me.

I wrapped it around my shoulders and followed her out of the house. I was a little confused at her sudden impulse to go for a walk, but spontaneity was her middle name, so I didn't give it a second thought.

"I don't feel comfortable walking outside in this dress," I stated again.

"Bella, it's only outside in front of the house. Nobody will see us, and we're not going that far."

"Fine, let's get this over with." I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head.

"Ugh, you're so miserable. Do you know how many people would die to be in that dress?"

"Whatever," I snapped back, walking past her.

The air was mild enough given that it was already dusk. While we were walking down the drive way, I couldn't help but wish Edward was there to see me. Ever since Edward had confessed he wanted to make love to me, I couldn't stop thinking what it would be like. I felt my heart grow ten times at the thought that he desired me in the same way I desired him.

A gust of wind suddenly hit me out of nowhere and sent my hair flying in all directions. It came with the strong scent of honey and lavender. I had a suspicion Alice was up to something. I grabbed the hair that had flown in front of my face and tucked it behind my ears. I looked around and noticed that we were way too deep in the woods for my liking.

"Alice, this is too far. Let's go back," I called out.

When she didn't respond, I put my hands out to see if I could feel for her, but no such luck.

"Alice, I'm serious. This isn't funny."

I was livid. Who knew what creepy crawly was prowling about out here, and she left me alone in the woods, unprotected? I could just imagine what Edward would do when he found out about it. I started to walk forward and noticed a white piece of paper stuck to the tree in front of me, with my name on it. I took it off, opened it up and read,

My beautiful Bella,

My night has become a sunny dawn because of you.

Please turn left and follow your heart. I love you.

Yours forever,

Edward

I looked to my left and noticed a glowing light about twenty feet away. I made a few stumbles on my way through the forest trying to follow my heart, but managed to get to him unscathed. I felt my heart flutter when I had finally reached the glowing light. I took it all in; the candles that were lit throughout the grass, and Edward, my heart. He was leaning up against a tree with one foot propped on the trunk, and his arms crossed over his chest, smiling at me. He was wearing fitted black slacks and a black button down top, with a midnight blue tie. He was absolutely breathtaking.

"Surprise," Edward chimed.

My smile was a permanent fixture on my face and my heart was beating erratically. In that moment, I knew I had my decision made. I was going to make love to Edward tonight. Even if he killed me.


	3. Wild is the Wind

BPOV

As Edward made his way toward me, my heart pounded excitedly in my chest. He reached out and took my hand, leading me further into the small, intimate clearing.

"Do you like it, Bella? I know it's not the meadow, but I tried to do a little mock set up." He grinned.

I looked around and took it all in before responding. "I love it, Edward. How did you do this without me knowing? It's amazing."

"It wasn't without difficulty," he chuckled, guiding me to the thick velvet blanket that was placed by glowing candles.

I sat down and Edward mirrored my movements. He shifted closer to me and kissed my shoulder.

"Without difficulty?" I questioned.

Edward laughed lightly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "Well, first I had to act like nothing was going on, but that just made you paranoid. Then, I had to get everybody here besides Alice to come and help me get everything set up."

Everything suddenly fell in place. My sneaky vampire.

"Ah, now it all comes together. So, you were just pretending to be okay with handing me off to my friends?"

He nodded.

"And this was the personal issue that you had to help Emmett deal with, I'm guessing?"

"Indeed." He laid down beside me and I followed.

"I'm thinking that Alice didn't know about this 'personal matter' Emmett had to deal with," I laughed as I grabbed Edward's hand and intertwined our fingers. " 'Cause she looked so confused when I mentioned it to her."

"Oh, darn," Edward chuckled. "I knew there was something I forgot. Thankfully you didn't catch on at the time, though."

"Thank you for doing this."

"The pleasure is mine, Bella," he said, turning to his side and placing a chaste kiss on my lips.

"Edward?" I asked as he broke our kiss.

"Yes, my love."

"Can I ask you something? But you have to promise not to get upset."

Edward propped himself up on his elbow. "It's kind of hard to promise something like that."

"I know, but just trust me."

"Okay." He smiled.

I took a deep breath and sat up. "I know you don't like to talk about your existence, but I had some questions about your, you know, human life."

"Bella, I don't remember much. When you become a vampire, your human memories deteriorate over time," he said flatly.

"Do you remember what you looked like as a human, Edward? I mean, I know you must have some sort of memory...I don't know how to explain it."

"Did I look dead?"

"No, Edward. That's not what I meant." I knew Edward was unimpressed, but I needed to know. Edward knew everything about me and I was tired of it being one sided. "I mean, tell me what you remember about what you looked like, who you were."

Edward winced and sighed before answering me. "Who I was?" he said brazenly. "Well, let's see, my hair was much the same. I had green eyes and my build was the same. I had a beating heart and blood flowing through my veins. I was warm and soft, not cold like granite. I ran toward the sun, not away from it. Does that just about explain enough of my human life for you, Bella?"

I flinched at the harshness of his voice. "Edward, I'm sorry that I'm upsetting you. I...I just want to know. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know you. I know you don't like to talk about this and I get that, but if roles were reversed-"

"If roles were reversed? If roles were reversed I would take your word on how horrible immortality really is," he said coldly.

"What is it about being a vampire that you don't like, Edward? You never want to leave me, or have me out of your life, and yet you have the perfect opportunity to keep me for eternity and you don't take it. Why? I have the right to know, I-"

"Bella, why are you doing this?"

"Why? Because I want to know why I'm being denied."

"I don't want to discuss it. I have made myself very clear in the past and you are not going to be damned to the soulless lives we lead. I will not allow it. You have a beautiful, loving, beating heart, Bella. Why give that up? Why would you want to? You know, never mind. My decision has been made very clear. That's final," he said firmly as he sat up and turned away from me.

I sat up beside him and stayed silent. I had so much I wanted to say to him - I wanted to stomp my feet, to cry and wail, to slap him across the face for having no right to determine my future. I wanted to ask him why he was okay with losing me one day when he didn't have to.

"Bella, you're shivering."

"Yeah, I'm a bit cold. Can you hold me?" I wanted to move away from the direction we had taken. I wanted to be in Edward's arms.

Edward lifted his eyebrow at my request. "Bella, you're shivering and you want me to hold you? You'll die of hypothermia that way."

_Die._

"I don't care. If I was dying I know for a fact you would change me. I would then be able to live with you forever," I blurted out. I closed my eyes tightly to prepare for Edward's retaliation, but there wasn't one. I peeked over his way and he looked dejected. My heart immediately felt heavy.

"Edward?" I quickly moved in front of him and grabbed his face, forcing him to look at me. His golden eyes bore into mine, silently acknowledging me. "Kiss me."

He slowly leaned in and closed the space between us, locking it with our lips. It felt like a thousand volts of electricity had coursed through my veins.

Edward shifted his body and guided us down, so I could lay on my back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. There were no words to describe the level of euphoria I felt. I was completely overwhelmed by my senses.

I pulled away from his lips. "Edward?"

"Yes, my love," he whispered, cradling his hand on the back of my neck as he planted kisses along my jaw. I arched my body in response, letting the sensation his touch brought to my skin overpower me.

"I-I love you," I stuttered as the electricity swam through my body.

"I love you more, Bella. Forever and always."

_Forever._

"Forever," I said, barely above a whisper.

I tried forcefully to hold back my tears. I knew Edward wasn't taking into consideration that I wouldn't be around forever, but I was. I kept my eyes tightly shut while he trailed a line of kisses down my neck. The kisses that my human life would eventually not allow me to have.

"Forever," he repeated again.

I placed my lips back against his, deepening the kiss with all I had. I refused to think about being denied to make my own choices about the life I wanted to live. Instead, I thought about how Edward's love enraptured me, creating our own world I never wanted to leave. I loved the way his cool touch lit my body on fire, the way he crept up my skin, and the way his love set my soul at ease.

I wanted to try and love him like he deserved. I wanted not only for him to consume every atom of my entire being, but to prove to him- to us- that we could be as one.

I decided it was time to reciprocate and move things along. I slowly trailed kisses along his jaw, causing Edward to let out a quiet moan and eliciting a pulsing within my core. I wanted him. I needed him.

"Thank you, Edward. You have just given me the biggest gift of all," I crooned in his ear.

Edward pulled his head back and looked down at me, eying me questioningly. "Biggest gift of all?"

"Yes. You initiated the longest make out session I have ever had," I laughed.

"Huh, you're right." He smiled back at me before he caught my lips with his.

"Don't stop," I panted as I broke away from him. I placed my hands on his shoulders, continuing where we had left off. I was curious to see how far Edward would let this go before he protested. While I could, I would show him how much he meant to me. I leaned back one more time and smiled at him, but I was not faced with the same reaction. Edward's eyebrows were furrowed with no smile in sight.

_Please no, _I thought, _not when we have come so far._

I looked into his eyes and thought that maybe his reaction was due to his thirst, but they were still golden. "What's wrong?" I asked him, caressing the nape of his neck.

"Nothing," he said flatly.

"Excuse me, Edward Cullen. I just kissed you and your face is telling me something other than what it should," I said, a little more harshly than necessary.

Edward diverted his eyes away from mine.

"Are you okay? Do you want to stop?" I silently prayed he wouldn't answer that, but I had to be supportive. I needed to take things slow.

Edward opened his mouth a couple times to speak, but he hesitated.

"Edward, can you tell me what you're thinking. Please?"

He sighed and brushed a hand through his hair before making eye contact with me. "I'm...I'm a little worried about telling you what I'm thinking, Bella."

"Don't be, Edward. You can tell me anything," I said reassuringly, placing the palm of my hand on his cool cheek.

"Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it," he said nervously.

I nodded, encouraging him to continue, but he fell silent. It made me extremely nervous. It was almost unbearable.

"Edward, you're making me nervous. My stomach is in knots here."

"I want you, Bella."

"I know that, Edward. I want you too, silly," I laughed, leaning in and rubbing my nose against his.

Edward growled at my gesture, causing a shriek to escape my throat. I wasn't expecting that to be his reaction. It wasn't any growl, though. It brewed from deep within his chest. It was menacing - a warning not to come closer.

"Edward, don't do that!" I demanded, a little freaked out. I pushed on his chest and he removed himself from on top of me.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said as he brushed his hands through his hair in frustration. "I can't help it."

"Well, tell me if your blood lust is getting hard for you to control and I'll leave. You don't have to fucking growl at me! I'm...I'm not some animal, Edward!" My hands immediately shot up and covered my mouth in shock. I should have apologized, or taken back my words. But instead, I got up and walked away like a coward. I was about to leave the little mock meadow Edward had set up for us, but he flew past me, blocking my exit.

"Please, don't leave," he said sadly. "I don't think you're an animal, Bella. I'm sorry I growled at you."

"No, Edward. I'm sorry. I had no right to say that to you. I didn't mean what I said."

"I know you didn't, Bella. Don't go, I didn't growl at you because my blood lust was heightened."

"Then why, Edward?" I asked, shaking my head in confusion.

"Because...because you turn me on, Bella."

_Sweet Jesus._

My mouth just fell open. My mind was spinning out of control.

"I'm sorry, that was inappropriate."

"No, Edward, it's not. It's just...I never would have thought that was the reason. Wow."

As Edward turned and walked away from me, I bit my lip and smiled. _Edward was turned on! Edward was turned on! _My thoughts screamed at me. I felt butterflies flit through my stomach.

Edward rubbed his hands over his face. "This is very embarrassing. Please, forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive, or be embarrassed about. It's only natural. I feel the same about you, Edward. Was that what you wanted to tell me?"

He looked nervous, so I gave him time to come out with it. "No."

"Well, c'mon. Spit it out, Edward." I smiled at him to reassure him that I wasn't upset.

He swallowed unnecessarily hard. "Okay, I'm just going to come out with it. I want to try, Bella."

I walked back to where he stood and took his hand. We sat back down on the velvet blanket together, and I watched him closely. "Try what?"

"Having sex."

I was shocked. Edward wanted to try and have sex? This was a huge step for him and I thought I would never hear him say the words. I was so happy that he was willing to try that tears glazed my eyes.

"Bella, I think this is where you should say something. I need you to say something," he pleaded.

I was mute, stunned.

A look of hurt and rejection formed on Edward's face. He rested his elbows on his knees, rubbing his hands across his face.

Leave it to me to ruin the moment. Everything that I wanted to come out of the night had, and I was sitting here, paralyzed and speechless. I needed to grab a rein on the situation and pull myself back in. Back to Edward.

I crawled over beside him and placed my hand on his face, making him look at me. I slowly leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips. I was unsure if he would let me proceed, but I had to try. I immediately felt relieved when Edward kissed me back. His tongue passed my lips and we melted into each other, mouth-to-mouth. A moan escaped me and I carefully maneuvered myself around to straddle his lap. I cupped his face and devoured his lips. I breathed in and out between each kiss and I felt so high. Hearing Edward moan against my lips made my skin burn with need.

I began to trail kisses across Edward's jaw as I grabbed hold of his shoulders and gently guided him to lay on his back. When he was finally in place, my hands slipped off his shoulders, finding the ground on either side of his face. We both chuckled lightly at my clumsiness without even breaking our connection. My breathing hitched when I felt Edward's hands fumble with the zipper of my dress, adding another pulse of arousal through my core.

When Edward pulled the zipper down all the way, he rested his hands on my hips, caressing them. I lifted myself up and put all my weight on top of him, feeling my heat instantly press down against Edward's member. My eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of him pressed up against me. I heard Edward grunt when my dress slid down the top half of my body, pooling at my hips. I opened my eyes and stared directly into his golden, honey eyes. He looked profoundly handsome.

"Bella, you're beautiful. So beautiful," he said breathlessly. I blushed crimson, knowing that this was the first time Edward had seen me in just my bra and underwear.

"Only you can make me feel that way, Edward," I said shakily.

I leaned forward a little, enough to loosen Edward's tie and took it off his neck. I tossed it aside and began to unbutton his shirt. Edward hissed and grabbed hold of my hands as he lifted himself into a sitting position, closing the gap between us. I glided my hands up his chest and brought them under the shoulders of his shirt, pushing it off of him.

I leaned into his lips and whispered, "Edward, I need you."

Edward attacked my lips hungrily, then cupped my backside and quickly shifted me onto my back. He moved back and gently pulled my dress the rest of the way down my body. He then positioned himself between my legs and lingered over me, scattering kisses along my collarbone. After marking me, Edward leaned back and took in my half naked form, scanning me slowly with nothing but adoration in his eyes.

"Bella, you are exquisite."

"Ungh, Edward, please," I moaned, my eyes fluttering shut. I arched my back when he leaned over me again, and I felt his lips explore the swells of my breasts. I brought my hands up to unhook the front clasp of my bra, but Edward grabbed them, bringing them to rest on the grass above my head.

"Not yet," he whispered.

"I want to feel you, Edward," I whimpered.

Edward lowered his full weight on top of me and it felt amazing. Being involved in such a romantic, intimate position turned me on in indescribable ways. Edward maneuvered himself above me and I felt his erection press up against my inner thigh. Another moan escaped me and my teeth grazed his shoulder.

Edward began a rhythmical movement of rubbing himself against my heat. I could feel the dampness of my underwear when Edward pushed up against my core. As he increased his speed, Edward sucked on the skin that overlaid the racing pulse on my neck. The more aroused I got, the more I wanted to be in control. Deciding to take the foreplay into my own hands, I pushed Edward over and sat on top of him. I slid down to rest my bottom on his thighs, so I could have better access to his chest. Edward's body was beautifully sculpted with a perfectly chiseled abdomen, and I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from devouring him as I saw the deep V that disappeared within his slacks. I leaned in and placed wet kisses along his chest, taking his left nipple into my mouth. I caressed it with my tongue and sucked on it gently.

"Fuck," Edward hissed. I smiled at his use of profanity. It happened so rarely, but I could definitely get used to it.

Lifting myself back on top of his erection, I started to grind against him.

"Oh, God. You feel so good, Edward."

"Ride harder, Bella," he directed as he lifted his hands and cupped the lacy fabric covering my breasts. He started to caress my nipples through the fabric with his thumbs, making them harden instantly.

"Mmm, I love you, Edward."

"You look beautiful on top of me, baby."

I picked up my pace, gliding back and forth along his member as it fought the confines of his pants. I wanted so badly to unbuckle Edward's belt, pull down his pants, and release him. But I knew better, I would go at his pace and wait until he initiated it. I grabbed Edward's shoulders and used them as an anchor to help me guide my movements along his length. In the process, he moved his hands from my breasts, down to my stomach, catching his index and middle finger beneath the seam of my boy shorts. He traced his fingers over my stomach from one side to the other, causing me to shiver and ache painfully for him.

"Oh, Edward. I need you. I don't know how much more I can take."

Edward sat up and placed chaste kisses along my shoulders and up the crook of my neck, until he caught my lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed up against him as we continued to kiss passionately. I slowly lowered one hand and placed it over his arousal. As I caressed his length, I felt him twitch beneath my hand and I placed a strong grasp around his member. Suddenly, I felt Edward tense up beneath me. He put his hand over mine, but I chose to ignore it.

"Edward, I want you. Make love to me."

"Bella, take it easy. It's getting difficult for me to keep control."

"I need you inside me, Edward."

I caught his bottom lip between my teeth, sucking on it gently as I tried to unhook the front clasp of my bra again.

"Bella, I'm serious. It's very painful for me right now," he managed to say between kisses.

"Just relax, baby. You can do this. You won't hurt me."

Edward grabbed harshly at my hands as they were fumbling with the clasp of my bra, stopping me from unhooking it. I kissed him deeply one last time before moaning as I came up for air. Edward quickly rested his forehead on my shoulder, letting out a stifled moan. It wasn't until I heard Edward whimper and he began to shake that I pushed his shoulders enough to become face-to-face with him.

"Edwa-"

"Bella, please stop. I can't handle much more of this. The sound of your erratic heart, the blood whooshing through your veins, the smell of your arousal...it's...it's too much."

"Please, Edward, don't do this. Not when we have come so far. You won't give in, I know you won't."

It was cruel of me to push him beyond his limits, but he needed to see once and for all that _nothing_ was going to happen.

Ignoring his plea, I slammed my lips back down on his, kissing him vigorously. I knew I was acting selfishly and irresponsibly. I knew that there was a good chance Edward might hate me after this, but I had to try. I wanted to prove to him that this whole "I'm a monster and I want to suck your blood" issue was overestimated.

I slowed down my pace and whispered encouragements to him. I knew that he was very distressed, if not disgusted in me. I knew that I was the one who had placed him in this position. I knew that if anything happened, it wouldn't be his fault, but my own.

"I trust you," I whispered, inches away from his lips. My heart ached at the sight of Edward. He looked so broken.

"Bella..." he trailed off.

I kissed along his jaw and rested my forehead on the crook of his neck.

"Edward, you can do this."

"I can't, Bella. Why are you doing this to me?" he asked dejectedly. "This isn't fair to me. I will hurt you."

I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him with all my strength. "I don't believe that, Edward."

When he didn't try and fight me off again, I relaxed my grip on him. The pain I was putting him through was too much to bear.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. Hold me." I pulled back and looked at his face, his eyes were squeezed shut. I cupped his face. "Love me, Edward."

"I'll hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you, Bella," he panicked.

I chose not to share my thoughts on his statement. Everything I had ever wanted was falling into place, and I wouldn't let _anything_ get in the way of that. Had we both come this far just to have us give up on each other? No. I wouldn't do that to us.

I felt Edward's lips softly, but hesitantly kiss mine. My heart pounded as adrenaline rushed through my veins. If I thought rationally enough, I knew Edward was going to eventually bite me tonight. Maybe that's why I didn't stop. I wanted Edward to bite me, and in some sick, twisted way, I was waiting for it.

Suddenly, everything fell silent, with not even a sound from the forest surrounding us. The silence amplified our connection. I could hear the kisses Edward placed on my neck. I could hear my heart pound in my ears. I could feel my blood boiling. I could hear how shaky my breaths were. I could hear the friction between Edward's hands and my skin. I could hear the rumble within Edward's chest.

I leaned my head back, as my mind spun out of control, making my body feel numb. It felt as though I was treading through water, trying to reach a destination that was so close, yet so far away. I was lost in the moment- I was lost in my surroundings- I was lost in Edward. I had let my own personal heaven eclipse reality along time ago, and I was where I wanted to be.

Between Edward's touch and my euphoric high, I heard muffled voices trying to pry their way into my world uninvited. I tuned them out and focused on Edward. His dangerous black eyes bore into mine, telling me he loved me, but yet I had taken this so far. I couldn't bring myself to fear him, or to be scared of him. It wasn't an option - reality wasn't an option.

I heard the unwelcome fogged voices again. They were frantic, high and low pitched. They were fighting their way through the shield I had put up to protect our progress, bringing us to a place where no harm could touch our success. I tried hard to ignore it, but I couldn't. The sound moved closer, louder even. My focus on Edward slipped and I let go of our fabricated, fictional world. Letting the high pitched voice scream, decimating everything I wanted so bad.

"NO, EDWARD. DON'T DO IT!"

It was the last thing I heard before I felt a hard blow to my chest. My eyes shot open and my distance from Edward grew further and further apart. My back slammed into a tree, and was pierced with frayed bark before I landed harshly on the cold, damp ground. I regained my composure and frantically looked around, my eyes falling on Alice.

She ruined this. She ruined everything.

My sudden movements shot a blast of pain through my back and I cried out. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly to stop the tears that were drowning out my eyes. In my hysterical fit, I quickly scanned around one more time and my eyes landed on Emmett. His massive form hovered over Edward, dragging him out of the forest.

_No! Why are they doing this to him? _

I struggled to find my voice behind the throbbing knot that made my throat ache painfully.

"Emmett, get Edward out of here." My eyes searched for the familiar voice belonging to Carlisle.

Everything happened so fast. Confusion, fear and anger were the dominant emotions stirring through me. They flooded my heart and mind, becoming too much to bear. I broke down. It got harder and harder for me to breathe. I tried my best to get up and chase after Emmett and Edward, but my co-ordination failed me.

The only thing I could do was fight the tightening chords of my throat.

"EDWARD! EMMETT LET GO OF HIM!" I screamed, reaching my arm in front of me.

Everything played out in slow motion, prolonging my misery. Emmett stalled, looking over his shoulder with a sympathetic look that I would so easily slap off his face if I could. Rage plummeted through my body, bringing my blood to a boil at their audacity to treat Edward with such cruelty. My eyes bored into his, but never did he didn't flinch or remove his hold from Edward. I silently cursed him. In my periphery I saw Edward struggle and squirm within Emmett's grasp and I diverted my eyes to him. He looked forlorn and full of regret as he looked back at me, but never said a word. My eyes pleaded with him to take my outreached hand and guide me back to _our_ world- where nothing like this could happen.

"Edward, don't leave! Please, don't leave!" I begged as I wiped the tears that profusely streamed down my face. I expected Edward to say something - to run back to me, or to fight off Emmett. Instead, he broke our gaze and turned away from me, exiting the forest with Emmett.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This can't be happening." It was all I could manage between sobs. I finally got up off the ground and stumbled forward as fast as I could to reach Edward, but it was too late. My love had walked willingly away from me. I let out a wail and fell to my knees, succumbing to the piercing pain that shot through my heavy heart.

"Why? Why is this happening?" I covered my face with my hands, shielding myself from the place I wanted so badly to leave.

Hurried footsteps made their way over and stopped in front of me. I glanced up, praying Edward had come back, but it was Alice. I dropped my head again, continuing to cry as Alice fell to her knees.

"Shh, Bella. It's okay," she cooed, wrapping her arms around my head and pulling me tightly against her chest.

I felt empty, cold, and alone.

"Bella, are you alright?" Carlisle asked me, suddenly kneeling in front of me.

"She won't talk to me, Carlisle. She was lifeless while I put her dress on," Alice added.

I looked down at my dress. The dress that was supposed to represent happiness but only held tragedy.

"Let's get you back to our place. I want to check your back. You hit it pretty hard." Carlisle held out his hand to help me up and I took it reluctantly. "Alice, I'm going to run back. Be cautious and keep her talking. If she feels uneasy or tired, run her home." He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Everything will be fine, Bella." With that, he ran off without saying another word.

We arrived back at Cullen's house, but before Alice opened the front door, she turned to me.

"Bella, my vision. I didn't think..."

I walked inside and ignored what she had to say. If anybody but Edward had something to say, I didn't want to hear it. He was the only person who mattered right now. I shook my head as I walked to Carlisle's study. Alice following closely behind me.

"Alice, leave that for another time. We need to deal with Bella right now." I was surprised at first that Carlisle had heard Alice, but of course he would, with all those unique vampire senses and all. "Bella, you hit and slid down that tree pretty roughly. I just want to be sure there are no serious gouges on your back."

"Whatever," I said flatly. Alice smiled sadly at me before motioning me to turn around so she could undo the zipper.

As Alice pulled it down, I felt my cuts stretch open. I winced and bit my lip to stop myself from calling her every name in the book.

She made her way back in front of me and rubbed my arms. She brushed the hair that stuck to my face away from all the sweat and tears, but I slapped her hand away. I didn't want anybody touching me, or giving me affection. I wanted just Edward.

Alice backed up with hurt and confusion on her face, but said nothing else as Carlisle started to work on my cuts.

"That's a relief, just a few cuts and scrapes. Let me clean and bandage these up, Bella. They should be healed in no time."

I gasped at the cool, stinging sensation the disinfectant brought to my wounds.

After a few moments of awkward silence Carlisle zipped me up and gave me a pat on the shoulder. "Alright, Bella, everything is fine now. In a week's time I will remove the bandages from your back."

I nodded in response. I didn't care about the damn cuts and scrapes, or getting them looked after. I only cared about one thing...

"Carlisle, what happened? Everything went sofast. I don't understand." I shook my head quizzically.

Carlisle sighed and leaned against his desk.

"You know a lot about our world, Bella-"

"Just tell me, don't play around it," I interjected.

"Edward almost killed you tonight. We got there just in time to see Edward punch you in the chest, sending you flying. He may have killed you if Emmett, Alice, and I had not intervened."

Blood drained from my face. I was aware that Edward had been tempted, but I knew he would never actually kill me. Right?

I shook my head in disagreement. "No...no...I don't believe you. I want to see him...now."

"Bella, he needs time," Alice added, moving closer towards me. "You have to take care of yourself first."

I looked over at Carlisle pleadingly.

"Bella, you have to understand that Edward's temptation for your blood is intense. I know in the past he has stressed this, but there seems to have been something lacking in your communication tonight."

"I know...I should have stopped when he asked. I...Oh, my God." I put my head in my hands, ashamed of myself. "I pushed him too far. I had no right."

"Don't be hard on yourself, Bella. This isn't your fault." Carlisle reached out and placed his hand on my arm.

"It is, Carlisle. He told me so many times to get off of him and stop, but I ignored him. I pushed him." I ran my hand through my hair in worry before continuing. "I need to talk to him, to explain. Please, Carlisle. Please let me see him. Where is he?"

"Bella, everything will be fine. I can see it." Alice smiled.

I was fed up with them keeping me away from Edward. If they weren't going to lead me to him, I would find him myself. I walked over to the door about to turn the knob, but when Carlisle's voice stopped me, I turned to look at him.

"Bella, please be patient with Edward. We both know this is going to be hard for him. Even though his self control prevailed in the past, it doesn't change what transpired this evening. I know Edward is taking this very seriously and will have a hard time forgiving himself. God knows he's punishing himself more than we all are capable of."

"Well, you guys shouldn't want to punish him. He had reason to do what he did - I don't blame him...at all. I deserve what I got," I stated pointedly.

"We didn't mean it that way, Bella. We will not punish Edward, only support and guide him in the right direction. Don't be hard on yourself. You both have a lot to work through when it comes to intimacy, but please, Bella, for your safety don't push him. This was an incident that you two need to learn from. Edward hurt you and that's what he tries everyday to control."

"He didn't hurt me."

"Bella-"

"No, I don't want to hear it. I need to see him," I interrupted.

Carlisle sighed and shook his head in defeat.

"Alice, give Bella her change of clothes." Carlisle looked over at me and said, "Bella, you are more than welcome to use our shower as well, if you would like. If you need anything, please let us know."

I opened the door and Alice grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly.

"Bella, your clothes are still in my bathroom. I'll wait here," Alice informed me. "Then I'll take you to see Edward, he's in his room."

"It's okay, Alice, you don't need to escort me."

"I want to."

I rolled my eyes and nodded in response. I walked into Alice's room and quickly stripped off my dress. The dress now only reminded me of how big a disaster the night had turned out to be. I quickly got dressed and splashed some cold water on my face. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for Edward.

"Bella, I'm sorry," Alice said, as I made my way out of her room and started to walk towards Edward's.

"Alice, just don't even worry about it, okay? I just want to get in there and see Edward."

"I know you do, but I would feel better if I let this out. I think you should know."

I sighed and pushed my hand through my hair impatiently. "Fine."

"Okay. Well, remember when I was getting you dressed up in your gown tonight and I had a vision?"

"Yeah, go on."

"Well, the vision I had earlier in my room...it was about tonight." Alice must have seen my eyes bulge out of my head because she was quick enough to explain herself. "Wait! Before you say anything, let me explain. I had a vision that Edward would be tempted, but we prepared it so we would come and interfere before this blow to your chest happened, before it got too hard for him to control. But for some reason, my visions were delayed and I don't know why, Bella," she said shakily before hugging me.

I pushed out of her hold. "Did Edward know about his?"

"No," she said, shaking her head sadly. "I know he does now, and I'm prepared for whatever he wants to throw my way."

"Alice, I'm not even going to think about how mad I am with you right now, because I have Edward to worry about. He's more important. But just know we will be talking about this when I'm not so emotionally and physically drained. I don't have the energy to attack you right now."

Alice chucked at my attempt to be threatening. "I know what I did was inexcusable, but you will forgive me, I can see it. I can also see us at the diner; you're going to have your veggie burger."

I rolled my eyes. "Even in a time like this you still think about stuff like that?" I said coldly. "Look, I need to get in there, Alice."

She nodded and leaned in, planting a kiss on my cheek before she disappeared.

I stood in front of Edward's door, nervousness overtaking me and laboring my every breath. I worried my bottom my lip, not knowing exactly what was going to occur on the other side of the door. All the information Carlisle and Alice gave me was a lot to take in. I needed, first and foremost, to apologize to Edward. He didn't need to explain himself; I did. I was the one who caused all this mess and now I had to clean it up. I knew Edward would be blaming himself for all this, but one side of me was scared that he wouldn't want to look at me. I thought back to tonight and how I acted. Who was I? What had I become? If anybody was the soulless monster tonight, it was me.

I took one more deep breath before I headed in. I knew Edward was aware of my presence lingering hesitantly in front of his door. There was no need to prolong my wallowing any further. I placed my hand on the door knob, turning it and pushing the door open slowly. I made my way inside his room and noticed all the lights were turned off. I closed the door behind me and let my eyes adjust to the darkness. It wasn't hard for them to conform to the darkness. The dull light of the moon shone through his window creating a way to see. I looked around the room and my eyes fell upon Edward sitting on his black leather couch.

"Edward?"

His body was bent with his elbows resting on his knees. His hands were pulled halfway through his hair.

I walked over and stopped in front of him, taking in his sullen form. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry," I said shakily, as a pang of guilt drilled through my heart.

Edward whimpered and fell forward, landing on his knees. He wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his forehead on my abdomen. I placed one hand on his shoulder as the other stroked his hair.

"I will never forgive myself. You deserve better than this. Than me."

"Edward, you didn't do anything. You pushed me away, that's all."

He pulled out from under my touch and stood up.

"I didn't do anything? Let me see your chest, Bella. Let me see the bruises I caused. Let me see your back. Let me see the cuts and scrapes." He walked over to me and tried to lift up the back of my sweater.

"No. There's nothing there, Edward," I lied as I backed away from him.

"Don't fucking lie, Bella. I can smell the blood, the broken flesh. I can smell the damn disinfectant that Carlisle applied. I heard you in the study. Don't blow this off like it was nothing, Bella. I almost killed you tonight!" he yelled.

"BUT YOU DIDN'T, EDWARD!" I pushed both hands through my hair and crossed my arms over my chest. "It was my fault this happened anyway. I didn't listen to you. You tried to get me off of you and I saw how black your eyes were, but I ignored it."

"Bella, what you wanted to do tonight was a normal intimate thing and I can't give that to you."

"Having sex doesn't even matter to me at the moment. All I'm concerned about is you hating me. I'm sorry, Edward." I sniffed and quickly dried my eyes with my sweater.

Edward walked over to me and cupped my face between his hands. "I could never hate you, Bella. But you shouldn't be with me. Just leave."

"What? No, Edward, stop. Don't...don't say things like that. I can't handle it."

Edward dropped his hands from my face. "I think it would be best if you went home tonight."

I stared at him for a moment. His words had stung my heart.

"Wh-what? N-no...we were supposed to spend the night together. Don't do this. I won't try anything, Edward."

"Bella, I want more than anything to spend the night with you, but right now...it's not a good idea."

"Yeah, I guess it isn't," I said with a hint of sarcasm. "What am I supposed to tell Charlie?"

Edward furrowed his brows. "Tell Charlie you were not feeling well."

I looked down in defeat and nodded. I didn't want to fight. I was to blame for Edward's discomfort.

I turned around and headed for the door, wiping my traitorous tears before I turned to face him for the last time tonight. "Bye, Edward."

"Bella, wait." He came up to me and grabbed my arm. " Allow me to walk you to your truck."

"Fine."

On our way down the driveway nothing was said. I couldn't blame any of my pain on Edward; I put him in this position. I needed to face the consequences of my actions and move forward.

Before I opened the door to my truck, Edward placed a finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"Yeah, Edward, me too."

He sighed heavily and ran his hand through his hair. I knew he could tell I was upset.

I closed my eyes and said, "I should go."

Edward nodded and opened the door for me. I hesitantly got in and buckled up before turning to face him. "I love you, Edward."

"I love you more, Bella." Edward moved in towards and slowly leaned in to kiss my lips, but changed direction and kissed my cheek instead. He moved away quickly and shut the door.

I sighed. My heart and mind were screaming at him. In that moment, I hated the fact that Edward was a vampire. Something that could be so easily fixed became impossible. What happened tonight and what would happen from then on made me wonder if a human could actually exist within an alternate universe, and survive it. But, I would never show Edward that he was possibly getting through to me.

"Not possible," I stated, before putting the keys in the ignition and turning on the engine. I felt myself slowly cracking. I needed to leave before I broke down in front of him.

I took one last look at Edward before I backed out of his driveway. I drove as fast as my ancient truck would allow and cried all the way home.

I pulled up in the driveway and went inside. I shut the door quietly and carefully walked up the creaky steps to my room. Once I successfully reached my room without waking Charlie, I changed into my track pants and t-shirt before falling lifelessly on my bed. Edward and I didn't talk enough about what happened tonight, and I knew that I wouldn't fall asleep because of it. I rolled over and grabbed my cell phone out of my jeans pocket. I wanted to text Edward to get some reassurance that we would be okay, that he still wanted us.

I left my window open in case you change your mind. I'm sorry...for everything. I wish you were here and I love you. -B

I held onto my phone tightly, waiting for the vibration to alert me of a new text.

But it never came.


	4. Part One: Creep

**I hope you guys are enjoying the story so far. Don't forget to leave a review and tell me what you think. If you haven't yet, sign up over at Twilighted, that site is amazing. It's my home ;) I only started posting on here because of all the people who have accounts here. I know some of you guys aren't aware of Twilighted, and that's why I'm letting you guys in on my story. **

**I, disclaim**

**EPOV **

**I left my window open for you in case you change your mind. I'm sorry...for everything. I wish you were here and I love you. -B**

I took in her words and how I so desperately wanted to give into the option she had left for me. I wanted to let go of every obstacle that remained permanent in our relationship. I wanted so badly to wrap her frail, nervous, trembling body in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay. I wanted to let go and just feel...but it wasn't possible. The evening proved that to be true. I couldn't give Bella what she deserved. I couldn't give her the intimate interaction that a normal 17- year- old boy could give her. I just couldn't and I never would.

I slammed my phone shut and whipped it across my room, but managed not to smash it to pieces when it hit the opposite wall. I was frustrated with the fact that I could no longer prolong the obvious; it was a FACT that a human could not exist in my world - especially Bella. I was not upset with her, but how could she be so understanding and forgiving? How could she still love me after tonight and still want me? How did I let her get so close to me? When did everything get so...fucked up?

All I wanted out of tonight was to show Bella how much I truly loved and cared for her. How I would support and protect her as long as she wanted me to. After laying beside her last night, listening to the steady beat of her heart while she slept, I knew I wanted to try for her. I wanted to give her what she deserved, a normal human relationship. I knew how much Bella loved me. I knew, though she had doubt, that I loved her unconditionally and trying to express that to her tonight had been a mistake. It had been...unacceptable and a massive lapse in judgment on my part.

My loss of control hadn't been her fault. It was mine, no matter how much she tried to take the blame. Just reminding myself of her beautiful body and her erratic heartbeat that was so close to mine, still made venom pool within my mouth. I loathed myself for having my control falter the way it had. I tried every day for Bella, and the one time when I'd needed my self control the most, it had been nonexistent.

Everything was going fine until she had asked me to consummate our relationship; to finally connect us as one. I'd wanted nothing more than to do that for her- for us - but all I could think about was quenching my thirst. She begged me to go forward, and hesitantly, I'd complied.. I wanted to ignore the flaws of vampirism and pretend to be human for once; for her. As her soft, warm hand had caressed my erection, the temptation to sink my teeth into her buttery flesh had become all too much to bear - I wanted her. At one point, Bella hadn't even been my girlfriend anymore, she had been my prey. She was my drug, and I'd had it freely handed to me. I'd wanted to get as much as I could. I'd wanted to suck and swallow her hot, thick, sticky blood until my tongue exhausted. Until there was no life left to her.

It was like a demon had taken over my actions and a majority of my thoughts. I had no say in what I'd done at that point. I'd lost all self control and rational thinking. I'd forgotten the meaning between right and wrong, between what is morally and ethically correct. I forgot the difference between lust and love. Most importantly, I'd forgotten the meaning of life - the gift of being human.

I couldn't fathom how disgusted I was with myself. I wasn't going to say that everything had been running smoothly, because it hadn't. I had felt the burn in the back of my throat. I had felt all my muscles tense. I had smelled the freesias that so delicately laced the scent of her blood, but I had a handle on it. I had a handle on everything until Bella ghosted her hand over my raging erection and the smell of her arousal had dominated my senses.

At one point tonight, I had stopped fighting her off and placed painful kisses where I thought she would desire them the most. She had encouraged me to continue and I had complied, though it had been the most thoughtless thing that I could have ever done with her. I'd let this go on for far too long and it had gotten out of control.

When Bella had begun to glide her arousal up and down my dick I had known that, not only was I in trouble, so was she. I wasn't Edward Cullen anymore, I was possessed by evil. I'd given into her every encouragement, to anything that had made me inch closer to the taste of her blood. To whatever she had done to coax me into her, I'd followed without a second thought. Though our reasons had been much different, we both had given into our addictions.

I tried to put myself in Bella's position and think of what she wanted out of this relationship: the blessing of having her for eternity, beside me and my family. I was very tempted to give into my selfish need and grant her what she wanted. Deep down, I knew I wouldn't mind granting her that wish, just so that I would never have to be without her. It felt as though she had known what the night was coming down to. It was as if she had been waiting for me to bite her – as if she had expected it.

_Why, Bella? Why would you think so carelessly and recklessly? Stupid Lamb._

Just the memory of her made my skin crawl with need, and made the back of my throat light on fire. I leaned back on my couch and tried relentlessly to come up with a plan to rectify this, or just given in to the desire and her request. My eyes stung from the tears I could no longer shed at the thought of letting my Bella go. I didn't want to, and it made an ache course through my cold, dead heart. I fought constantly with the voice inside my head that changed its mind every second. I closed my eyes tightly, sighed heavily, and went through the events of tonight. How this was one massive step in the direction I knew I would have to accept eventually, but never would have thought this would be the reason.

- - -

_I wanted to fight for us both. I wanted to be her hero, her soul mate. But now...I didn't know what I was to her. I knew now at that moment, things could never be the same for us. I was disgusted with myself for handling Bella the way I had. She deserved somebody who could give her the love and attention she ought to have. She deserved to lead with someone who wasn't fighting the need to suck her dry. She needed someone who would walk along the sunny beach, hand in hand with her. Who would protect her from men like me. She needed someone normal who could touch and kiss her without the fear of turning her to dust. She needed someone who would grow old with her, without everything she desired having some sort of consequence. She deserved a human. Not me._

_I had one regretful lapse in judgment and I will never forgive myself for going as far as I did with Bella. I hated the fact that my vile fists met her chest and she flew so many feet away from me. I fought, I fought hard to overcome the monster that had taken over. I tried to find my caring soul, the one soul that Bella slightly convinced me I had. But I was right all along - I was soulless. I tried to believe I had a soul tonight and that's why I went as far as I did. I knew I wanted her. I knew I wanted to make love to her, but I also knew I was fooling myself. _

_In the back of my mind, I heard Bella tell me she loved me, but I heard her pounding heart and swooshing blood sing to me. It was reigning me in. It felt as though I was outside my body, screaming at myself to stop, that this was the woman who made me see a point in life. But, my body would not respond to my words. I think what had repulsed me the most was that everything Bella had given me was infantile in that moment. That I was willing to throw my love, Bella, away for a few minutes of hot, thick, sticky liquid to flow down my throat and quench my thirst. I was filled with regret, guilt and sorrow. I was nothing._

_It took all my strength to fight my inner demon and push her off of me. I felt immediate relief and my anxiety decreased, knowing that she wasn't in harm's way anymore. I was incoherent while I tried to put the pieces of what just happened together. I heard Alice scream, but I was oblivious, ignorant. I growled loudly at something threatening my prey, my Bella. I looked over at the commotion in my periphery and saw Carlisle sternly give Emmett a command. In an instant he was hovering over me and locking me within his grasp. _

_I was torn between everything imaginable. All I could think about was what I had done. I couldn't bring myself to look at Bella when she cried out my name, begging me not to leave. I hurt her, not only physically, but emotionally. For months, I had pushed her away, rejected her, and I knew that tonight had topped off all of those times. I clenched my eyes shut tightly and turned my head towards her. I knew that when I opened my eyes it would bring me to a level of anguish that would devastate me. But I deserved to feel pain, to feel regretful, to be hated. I deserved everything that was happening to me._

_When I finally found the will to open my eyes, the sight of Bella broke my dead, cold heart. Alice was scurrying to get her dress on, while Bella had her arm outstretched begging me to take it. She was crying hard. I could hear how stressed out her vocal chords were; her voice was so coarse. Bella's eyes held dark pools that drained down her face. There were so many tears. So many, that they traced all the way down her beautiful, tortured face, dripping off her chin. Sweat beads smeared all over her forehead, mixed with the dirt that she had fallen upon from my abuse. I couldn't look at her anymore. When I looked at Bella, I only saw the pain and unfairness I had brought to her life. I diverted my eyes from hers and looked at the ground, ashamed for the havoc I caused. I wanted more than anything to run back to my Bella. Run back into her arms and ask her for her forgiveness and kiss her everywhere I had caused her pain, profusely apologizing for what I had done._

_Emmett's hold on my arm was strong, so strong that it had cracked the skin on my forearm slightly. For the first time in a while, I felt pain and I endured it. _

_I don't know how far Emmett had taken me into the forest, but I could no longer hear thoughts, besides those of Emmett's. Suddenly, he threw me out of his hold and I was flying across the clearing. He charged up to me before I gained composure, grabbing my neck and slamming me back down on the ground. _

"_Yo, man. What the fuck is the matter with you?" he seethed. The look on Emmett's face was something I had never seen before on him. Hate._

_I struggled to get my words out, but Emmett had a very strong hold on my neck. "Emmett, I didn't mean to hurt her...Let go of me," I wheezed. I placed my hand over the one he had wrapped around my neck and tugged at it._

_Emmett's lips pulled back over his teeth and his eyes bore into mine. He tightened his hold on my neck so forcefully, that his whole body trembled. The pressure from his hand pulsed pain through my neck. Emmett's strength was something I couldn't match, he was much stronger than me. He turned his head and spat the venom that had pooled in his mouth before he turned back to face me. The next thing I knew, I had been punched in the face multiple times. I didn't fight him off, though. I let him do what he needed to do, what I deserved._

_Emmett finally let go of me and stood up, looking down at me."You're a selfish prick, Edward! You don't deserve her!" _

"_Don't you think I know that?!" I yelled, lifting myself up on my elbows. " I feel bad enough as it is, and I don't need you making it worse!" I touched my face where Emmett punched me, he got me good. I stood up, but stayed silent and very still. I knew there was more he wanted to say; his body was very tense. _

"_Well, Edward, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't worry that you're going to kill Bella."_

"_I pushed her way," I whispered dejectedly. _

"_You pushed her away?" Emmett turned to look at me with nothing but disgust on his face. "You pushed her away?" he repeated cynically. "No, Edward. You didn't push her away. You fucking punched her chest, which made her fly half way across the fucking forest. You're sick!"_

_I was furious. I felt pressure build up in my chest and I charged toward him with rage. I stood in front of him with my fists clenched at my sides, and he laughed. "What, Edward? You're going to punch me in the face and call me a liar?" _

_Emmett was everything but a liar tonight. I growled at the truth and turned around. I paced the clearing, pushing my hands through my hair in frustration._

"_No, Emmett. I'm not going to call you a liar. I did what I could to get her away from me. I hate that I had to inflict pain on her, it pains me to know that. But I would rather have done that, then what I could have done to her."_

"_You tell us every day that you won't lose control, and that you have a hold on yourself. You were doing good man, why now?" It shocked me to hear an emotion other than hate ride off his words._

"_I didn't plan this, Emmett! I did try to push her off, but she resisted."_

_Emmett laughed sardonically and shook his head. "Edward, who the fuck is the vampire and who is the human in this relationship? Don't try and tell me that's how you're going to justify punching her in the chest. Which, might I add, made her slam into a tree and cause deep scratches along her back. You might be able to fool Bella, Edward, but you can't fool me."_

"_I did what I thought was right at the time, Emmett. I wanted to make her happy, she deserves to be loved. She deserves to experience things that only come naturally to humans."_

"_Well, Edward, sorry to break it to you, but you're not human."_

"_I know that!" I spat._

"_What are you going to do now? How are you going to explain yourself to Bella...if she lets you."_

"_I can assure you she will let me speak with her. I know I'm correct when I say that she hates herself more than she could ever hate me. I know her all too well, and the fact that she is worried about my well being, without even thinking of her own. She is extremely selfless and it doesn't get her anywhere good."_

"_You have to do something about this, Edward. You have been dating for practically seven months and you are in the same position you were before you even spoke to her. If we hadn't been there Edward-"_

"_Listen, I didn't need Alice's vision to stop me from hurting her. I was pushing her away even before Alice interfered."_

"_You didn't need Alice to stop yourself? Are you sure?" he questioned._

"_Yes," I said firmly. He looked at me with such indifference it felt as though I had to prove to Emmett I didn't like what I was doing to Bella. "Do you think I enjoy putting her through this? Do you not think I don't ask her why she is with me? Do you think I don't tell her everyday that I am not worthy of her? Because I do, Emmett. I let it be known. I want nothing more than to give her what she wants-"_

"_Then why don't you do it, Edward? She has made it clear in the past that she wants to be one of us, but yet you just sit there and do nothing about it." He looked at me disappointingly, and crossed his arms over his chest._

"_How the hell can you stand there and tell me that you are okay with her becoming a vampire?"_

"_Edward, Bella would make one hell of a hot ass vampire. Whether you do it or not, she's going to become one of-" _

_I ran up to him and slammed him into a tree. "Don't you fucking think about it," I spat, pushing him harder into the tree._

"_Chill out, man. You have to face this, Edward. Bella wants to become one of us, and if you don't want to do it, then we don't mind. All of us want her to officially become part of the family."_

"_DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANOTHER WORD!"_

"_I'm not scared of you, Edward," he laughed. "You need to grow the fuck up and realize that Bella can make her own decisions, and she will, with or without your consent." Emmett grabbed my shoulders and kneed me in the stomach, causing me to saunter back. "Watch who you're fucking with, Edward. You are in some serious denial and I think you need to sit down and figure your shit out."_

_Emmett turned away from me and started to walk away. It took all the strength I had left to keep myself from pouncing on his back, pulling off all his limbs and burning them to ashes._

_He stopped short and looked over his shoulder. "Look, I'm sorry for being hard on you, but you make it impossible not to be. We all want to punch your head in, but I'm the only one who has the guts to do it. Figure your shit out, man. Really think about what happened tonight and how you can fix it. I know you don't want to hear it, but compromise with her."_

"_There. Is. Nothing. To. Compromise," I growled._

_Emmett looked away from me and shook his head."Nah, of course not," he said, walking away. " Who the fuck are we kidding, right?" And with that he ran off, leaving me there to do the only thing I knew how._

_- - -_

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

_Edward, please let me in. I really want to talk to you. _Alice's thoughts pleaded.

I was more than upset with Alice for not informing me about the vision she had. If I could have avoided this whole disaster, right now, Bella and I would be happy. I couldn't bring myself to avoid Alice and blame her for all of this. I knew she did what she thought was in Bella's best interest. I had no right to look down upon any member of my family, I was the one who had the problem. I was the one who was to blame for all of this. To think otherwise was completely out of the question.

"Come in, Alice."

She opened the door slowly, and tip-toed in my room.

"Edward, I'm so sorry."

"I know, Alice." I sighed as I walked across the room to pick up my cellphone.

She stood there silent before she continued. "Edward, my vision didn't relay to me that this would turn out... the way it had," she said shakily.

My eyes shot up from the screen of my cellphone, boring into hers. "What do you mean?"

"Well," she began. "I just had a vision that you were going to be tempted, but there was no punching, or fighting. I guess the decisions between you guys were made too fast and it was interfering with my sight."

I sat back down on my couch and ran my fingers through my hair. "Why didn't you tell me, Alice? Even if it wasn't serious?"

"I didn't think there was anything to tell. The vision was minor. I was planning on getting to you before you even got tempted."

"Are you certain the reason for your delayed visions were because we decided things to quickly?"

"I don't know for sure." She shook her head in confusion and looked at me. "Edward, know that if I thought any harm would have been done to you or Bella, I would have told you before the evening played out. You do know that, right?"

I sighed, got up from the couch, and walked over to Alice. I knew she was upset with the judgment she had made. I couldn't be angry at her and she needed to know that, so I wrapped my arms around her body and hugged her. "Alice, I know you would never want to hurt me or Bella. I know that you would do what's in the best interest of both of us."

"I love you and Bella so much, Edward. I-"

"Hush, Alice. I know. I'm not upset with you. Though, in the future, if you have a vision of any kind like that, please let me know."

She hugged me tighter. I knew she was relieved that I wasn't upset with her, and guessing by her vision of tomorrow, Bella wouldn't be mad at her for long either. "I will, Edward. I swear I will."

I let go of her and kissed her forehead. "Good."

She smiled at me and once again, became her bubbly self. "Did you want me to keep you company. I saw that Emmett was a real ass to you tonight."

I couldn't help but grin, she always had a way of making a situation easier to carry. "Emmett had all the reason to do what he did. It got me thinking."

"Don't do that." She winked at me.

I chuckled and shook my head, but I immediately winced when a flash of Bella's tortured face crossed my mind. I didn't deserve to smile. "For now I would like to be alone. I need to figure some things out, okay?"

"Of course." Alice made her way to the door and stopped suddenly, turning to me. "Edward," she said wearily.

"Yes."

"No, Edward. Please don't." I knew she had seen one of my debated decisions.

"Alice, I will do what I think is right. Goodnight."

" I know you, Edward, and what you're thinking of doing isn't the right thing," she panicked. "It's hurting me knowing what I see coming. Please, Edward. We all love her-"

"Goodnight, Alice," I interrupted. I could see the hurt deep within Alice's eyes, but I couldn't let her influence my decision. Bella deserved better.

"Edward, what about Bella? You can't. No-"

"Leave," I said pointedly.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO HER, EDWARD! IT WILL DEVASTATE HER!"

I threw myself off of the couch, anger and sorrow casting a shadow over me. "GET OUT OF HERE! DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS BEST FOR HER!"

Alice walked out and slammed the door behind her. My head fell and I cried tearlessly. I fell to my knees at the realization of what I had to do. I stayed on the middle of my bedroom floor unmoving. I listened to everybody's disappointed and saddened thoughts drown out my own. Tonight was the night I told myself I loved Bella Swan so unconditionally, and so irrevocably, that I was willing to let her go. The only question residing was: Did I have the courage and strength to do so?


	5. Part Two: Decode

**A/N: As usual, I disclaim.**

**BPOV **

I walked over to my window and looked outside. Edward was leaning against his Volvo with his arms crossed over his chest. He looked upset - his eyebrows were knitted together. I knew that the ride to school was going to be strained and awkward, but I had to ignore that if I wanted everything back to normal. I sighed heavily and prayed that everything would work out - that our love would be enough to pull through.

"Hey, Edward," I said as I made my way towards him.

"Hi." He mumbled his response without making eye contact.

I inwardly rolled my eyes at his mood and got into the car. As I saw him reach for the door handle, I immediately grabbed it and slammed it shut myself. I looked up at him through the window just in time to see him wince and shake his head at my actions. When Edward got in and pulled out from the side of the road, I took the opportunity to take another deep breath to calm myself down. My thoughts told me I was in denial and there was nothing I could do to help the situation, but my heart told me I had to try. I had to try because Edward picked me up for school. I had to try because I loved him and he loved me. I had to try because giving up on us wasn't an option. I had to try because I would never be able to live without him.

I let out the breath I was holding and turned to face Edward. It took me a few minutes to find something to say, and gain the courage to say it out loud. I noticed that his hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, and his jaw was clenched.

"How are you?" I asked, trying to sound as normal as I could. I started to feel the pit of my stomach tighten and my heart pound forcefully against my ribs.

Edward shook his head and scoffed. "How am_ I _feeling, Bella? I should be asking you that."

Making this work was definitely going to be harder than I thought. "Good. I'm feeling perfectly fine, actually." I swallowed hard and stared at him with anticipation as I waited for him to say something back. I saw his eyebrows furrow once or twice, and he opened his mouth a few times, but opted to say nothing at all. The unsettled feeling in my stomach went into overdrive, making me feel like I was going to vomit all over the floor of his car.

- - -

When Edward walked me to my first class, he finally looked me straight in the eyes. I missed his beautiful golden orbs. I wanted to reach up and trace the dark circles he had under his eyes. He was so stressed and my heart ached for him. "You have dinner plans with Alice this evening," he stated.

I pushed my hand through my hair and bit my lip. I hated feeling anxiety creep through my skin. I hated how cold his voice sounded and how distant he had become. "Yeah, I do. Why don't you come with us?" I asked shakily.

"I can't." He looked away from me and my stomach hit the floor.

I tried hard not to display my worry, but I knew the look on my face betrayed me. I knew I was failing miserably at trying to hold myself together. I also knew that Edward was taking this harder than he was letting on. I could tell his wall was up, and that behind it he was overreacting about everything that had happened. It made me sad seeing him look so tortured and upset. I wanted to take away his pain and show him that I was still here, that I wasn't going anywhere, but that was almost impossible. My Edward was gone. He was hiding and now I was stuck with...this.

Edward had always told me he would never leave me, and that he would be by my side as long as I wanted him. He had also told me he would never hurt me, but as I stood in the middle of the hall staring at him, I tried to decide if he had lied to me. I wondered if he had a hard time trying to keep the promises he so freely handed to me. I never wanted to doubt him and I had felt horrible doing so, but I had no other choice. I never told him to leave, so he couldn't. He wouldn't. Right?

_Deep breaths, Bella. Deep breaths. You can fix this. _

_No you can't. He's going to leave you. You fucked your whole relationship up because you couldn't wait. How pathetic are you? Did you really need to have sex that badly, Bella? _

I shook my head from the conflicting thoughts and focused on Edward - on how I could make this huge elephant in the room disappear.

"Oh, okay. I guess I'll call you after I'm done with Alice?" I posed it as a question because I wanted him to talk to me, to give me a sign that we were going to be okay.

"Alright."

I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head. "Can you, like, say more than one word, Edward?" I said, frustration evident in my voice. I knew he wasn't trying to be so distant, but I couldn't help feeling the sting his cold voice brought to my heart.

"What would you like me to say, Isabella?"

I laughed in disbelief. "'What would you like me to say, _Isabella_?' You're calling me by my full name now?" I felt tears well up in my eyes and my chest constricted. "You know what...never mind. I don't need you to say anything, your lack of words speaks volumes. Have a great fucking day, Edward." When Edward called me by my full name it was like a slap in the face. Every breath I took, the connection between Edward and I was disappearing.

My heart ached so badly that my breathing became labored. I was torn between telling him to get the fuck out of my face and never come back, and falling to my knees, begging him to love me and never leave. All I could do was walk away from the situation because I didn't know which thought to give in too, and that alone scared me.

I walked into the classroom feeling alone and defeated. I could have sworn I heard Edward whisper "sorry" as I walked away, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. I knew that any chance I had of forgetting this all happened had vanished when I'd pulled out of his driveway last night. I knew if Edward had planned something unreasonable it would be too late to fix it. So what was there to do? Wait for an emotional punch to hit me in the chest instead?

- - -

When I arrived at work, I put on my orange vest, crossed my arms over my chest, and sighed heavily.

"You okay, Bella?" Mike asked with a concerned look on his face.

"I'm fine. I don't really want to talk about it," I snapped back. I wasn't in the mood to work tonight, or deal with Mike. Edward ditched English and the rest of the school day without even telling me, or sending a text explaining what happened. He had just left without telling me where he was going. I was scared because he had been so distant today, but I was upset because there was nothing I could do about it. He was taking this too far, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Oh, okay," he replied as he continued to stock the shelves. "Just so you know, I'm here if you ever want to talk."

I needed to do something. I couldn't just stand here and let Edward do whatever he was going to do. "I know. Mike, I'll be back. I'm just going to run to the bathroom."

"Oh, yeah sure, Bella. Go ahead."

I walked into the employee lounge and went straight for my bag. I took out my cell phone and flipped it open to see a new text. Of course it was Alice. Why should I be expecting anything from Edward?

**Be at the Diner for 7:15, Missy! -Alice**

I sighed and clicked reply.

**I know, Alice. -B**

I clicked out of my inbox and immediately called Edward. I hated the fact that the unresolved problem lingered over my head, and the tightening feeling in my stomach had become painful. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I tried to calm my nerves. It rang five times before he finally picked up.

"Hello."

"Edward...?" I said nervously.

"Bella."

"Edward, you had me worried. Where are you?"

"At home," he said coldly.

"Why didn't you come to English? You could have told me you were leaving. I had to get Mike to drive me home to pick up my truck. What is going on, Edward?" I asked, my voice cracking at the end.

He was quiet for a few minutes before he responded._ "_I'm just having some difficultly right now, Bella."

"Me too, Edward. Want to know what with? You!" I slammed my phone shut and threw it back in my bag. I walked into the washroom and slammed the door shut. I leaned against the back of the door and slid down, falling into a sitting position.

All the emotions that stirred within me had finally taken their toll. I felt crushed because Edward wasn't _my _Edward anymore. Half of my heart was sore because he was pushing me away, while the other half was frustrated from putting in effort to make it better, when it was only getting worse. I cried. I cried for me, for Edward, and for our future. I kicked myself in the ass for ruining another opportunity to fix all this easily. I finally stood up, took a few deep breaths and splashed some cold water on my face before heading back out to work the rest of my shift.

I let out a sigh as I made my way over to the register when a deep husky voice that I had missed so much startled me. "Well, well, well. If it isn't Bells."

My head snapped up and a huge smiled plastered over my face. I ran up to Jacob and jumped on him, hugging him with everything I had.

"Oh, my God, Jake! What are you doing here?" I asked surprised.

"Well, Charlie told me you had a new job here, so I thought I would come and check it out."

I unwrapped myself from around him, and ran my hand through my hair. "Well, this is it. Nothing special."

He smiled at me and it took my breath away. He had gotten so...big - massive, even - since the last time I saw him. His shoulders were broad, and his sharp features were more defined. I couldn't stop staring at how different he looked. He must have been way over six feet tall.

When I brought my eyes back up to meet his, he was smirking at me with one of his eyebrows quirked up. "Are you done, Bella?"

I looked down and felt heat spread throughout my cheeks. I was embarrassed that he had caught me ogling him. "Sorry...but you're...you're massive! Are you on steroids or something?"

Jacob threw his head back and let out a hearty laugh. Seeing his smile and the shine in his eyes brought me back to a simpler time. He was just what I had needed to cheer me up.

"It's not steroids, Bella," he chuckled. "It's called becoming a man." He crossed his arms over his chest and flexed his biceps.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. "Give me a break, Jacob. You're sixteen," I laughed.

He snorted. "I'm maturing fast."

"Yeah...you keep telling yourself that." I smiled at him and our eyes locked longer than necessary. I started to feel uncomfortable when he didn't break our gaze, so I diverted mine away from his. "So, is there any other reason why you're here?" I asked.

"Isn't just coming to see my best friend reason enough?"

"No," I answered instantly. "You always have an ulterior motive, Jacob Black."

"You're right," he replied with a smile. "I just wanted to see if you were still going to come down to our place on Saturday."

I had totally forgotten about dinner with Jacob and Billy. I groaned internally at the fact that I had to let Edward in on this, on top of everything else that was going on between us. I just wished that Jacob wasn't an issue with Edward. It was unfair.

"Um, yeah. Of course. I'll be there. Do you need me to bring anything?"

A huge beautiful grin developed on his face, showing his amazingly white teeth. "Just yourself, Bella. That's all I need." I blushed and bit my lip, looking everywhere but Jacob. I felt this sensation flutter through my stomach, and the fact that Edward wasn't causing it, told me it had to stop.

"Alright, so just me and Charlie it is." I felt awkward, so I started to straighten out the hiking boots on the shelf.

"Okay, great. I guess I should go. I don't want you to get in trouble." He jerked his head to side and I looked over to see Mike staring at us.

"Um, yeah, that might be a good idea. We'll talk more later. Call me or something," I said, as I walked him to the door.

He leaned down and hugged me tightly. I couldn't get over how huge his structure was. "Bye, Bella. It was nice seeing you again."

I pulled back and shoved my hands in my pockets. "Yeah. It was nice seeing you, too, Jake. So, Saturday?"

"Saturday." He winked at me before he turned around and walked out. I was excited that I would finally be able to spend some time with Jacob. That excitement soon vanished when I remembered what I had to deal with first – Edward.

_- - -_

My dragging shift at Newton's finally ended and I was on my way to meet Alice. I pulled into the parking lot with some hope that I would see a Volvo, but of course, it wasn't there. I did see, however, a bright yellow convertible.

_Real subtle, Alice._

The bells that hung on the diner door jingled and Alice looked back, waving at me eagerly. I smiled and waved to her as I made my way over to the booth.

"Eww, you stink!" She scrunched her nose and fanned her hand in front of her face.

"Well, hello to you too." I got a little self conscious, so I discretely sniffed myself, but nothing smelled out of the ordinary. "Maybe you're smelling the meatloaf, Alice."

"No," she stated, shaking her head. "Not meatloaf. It smells like wet animal or something."

Wet animal? I shook my head at her comment. How did she come up with these things? "Yum. Maybe it's the special tonight."

"Ugh, Bella, you're gross."

While I laughed at the expression on her face, the waitress made her appearance. "Hi, my name is Leah. Can I get you guys a drink to start off with?"

"I'll get a Coke." I looked over at Alice. "You want anything, Alice?" I asked sarcastically.

"Uh, I'll just get a..." she trailed off as she looked through the menu. I laughed internally at her act. "I think I'll go with a Sprite."

The waitress smiled oddly at her. "Okay, I'll be back soon with your drinks," she said, before sauntering off.

"Alice, you have to become better at acting human. You suck."

"I guess so, since you'll never become-" Alice stopped short and put her hand over her mouth. She looked at me with wide eyes as she realized what she almost let slip.

"What?" I wanted her to finish what she had begun to say. I wanted her to tell me I would never become a vampire. If it came from her it would be final. She would be the only one who could tell me for sure.

"Nothing. It's nothing," she said nervously.

"Alice, were just going to say 'since you'll never become a vampire'? Is that true? You really don't see me becoming one?" I asked sadly.

An apologetic look grew upon Alice's face. It was all the confirmation I needed. It was true, my future was without Edward. I felt bile rise up my throat and I just wanted to get up and leave, to run away, but the waitress interrupted my actions.

"Alright, here are your drinks. Are you two ready to order your meals?" she asked.

I bore my eyes directly into Alice's. It was as if everything was at a standstill. I tried to wrap my head around everything and digest it for what it was. It was confirmed that Edward would never change me. My whole future with Edward had just turned upside down.

The waitress coughed and brought me out of my stupor. Alice quickly diverted her eyes away from mine and ordered. "I'm not going to have anything, but my friend will have the veggie burger platter."

"Alright," she said, looking at us curiously. "I'll be back shortly with your order." She turned around and quickly left us to our tension filled silence.

"Edward is never going to change me, is he?"

"Well, I-"

"Alice, the only thing I want from you is honesty. I need you to be honest with me. I deserve to know."

"Okay. To be honest, Edward is a mixed bag. One minute I see him make one decision, then the next he's making another. He's very unpredictable."

"What is he deciding right now?"

Her eyebrows knitted together and it took a moment for her to answer. "Bella, it's not my place to tell you those things. I know I have psychic abilities, but Edward deserves his privacy."

I knew what she had seen couldn't have been good. I understood that Edward needed his privacy, but I just wanted somebody to help me - to guide me in the right direction. If she wasn't going to let me in on what was going on in Edward's mind, then she could at least help me make it better.

"Where is he?"

Alice scoffed. "At home doing what he does best - wallowing."

I looked down and picked at my nails. Guilt wouldn't even start to describe what I was feeling. "I was mean to him, Alice. I called him at work, but I just ended up yelling at him. He doesn't deserve that..." I trailed off.

"Please, Bella. Don't feel bad. He needs to grow the fuck up."

"I just wish he didn't overreact. I hate that he's become distant. It worries me, and most of all, it hurts."

"I talked with him last night, you know, after you left. He's pretty down about what happened." I opened my mouth to interrupt her, but Alice held up her hand. "I'm not saying I agree with how Edward is handling this, but I can see where he's coming from. He wants to be the one who protects you, but he feels he's failing at that. Our conversation ended in an argument because of what he was deciding. It has changed recently, but it hasn't been ruled out-"

"What hasn't been ruled out?" I interjected.

Alice ignored my question. "I know it's silly, and we have told him that we want you to be a part of this family, but he won't hear of it. He pretty much beat up Emmett and vise - versa last night, but that's a story for some other time."

I wanted to ask her what happened between Edward and Emmett last night, but I didn't want to press my luck. She probably had given me more information than Edward would have liked, so I had to work with the information I was given.

"I just want to know how to make it better, Alice. I don't know what direction to take, or what to say to him. I love him so much, it's heartbreaking. It really, really hurts." I felt a tear trail down my right cheek and I wiped it away quickly.

"I understand that, Bella. Really I do. The whole family has this problem with Edward. Once he has his mind set on something there's no changing it. All I can suggest to you is to just relax and let him talk to you. Maybe ask him what is on his mind and just let him spill everything to you. Ask him what you could do to help. Don't tell him not to feel the way he does."

"I know, Alice. I-"

"I'm not taking sides, Bella, but put yourself in Edward's shoes. If you were the vampire in this relationship, and all you did was inflict pain on him, would you be okay with that? If you loved someone so much and you wanted nothing more than to give them what they deserved, but just physically couldn't, would you be okay with that, too? If you truly believed you were cursed, and you had the love of your life ask you to change them, would you be willing to grant their request so easily?

"See, though it may seem stupid to you, Edward doesn't like who he is. He misses being human. You don't understand what it is like for us. When Edward touches you, he's constantly scared he's going to turn you to dust. We don't know if we're being too forceful, and because of that, he could easily kill you. It's not just his bloodlust he has to be careful about. Just walk along with him instead of pulling him in a direction that scares him. He feels alone in this world and he's desperately trying to hold on to the point in his existence. The point of his existence is you, Bella. "

I took in her words. Everything Alice was pointing out was true, and I tried to see Edward's perspective on things. If I could turn Edward into a human, I wouldn't. Humanity comes with too many flaws. If I wanted to make the foundation of our relationship stronger, I had to support Edward. All this time I thought I was supporting him and I wasn't doing that in the least. I was pushing him to do something he repulsed, that he didn't agree with. What was wrong with me? I knew Edward wouldn't overreact if he felt he didn't need to. I knew he wanted to move to the next level, but he honestly believed he couldn't. All this time the solution was sitting in front of my face and I was oblivious to it. The only thing that could fix this was support and understanding on my part. I was the one who nearly broke our relationship. I was the one who was pushing him away.

"Oh, my God. I was being so insensitive. I need to fix this, Alice."

Alice put her hand over mine and squeezed it lightly. "Bella, don't be so hard on yourself. Both of you have your heads shoved so high up your asses." She smiled at me.

I smiled sadly at her comment. "Do you see him coming? I mean, I asked him if he wanted to come, but he said he couldn't."

She removed her hand from over mine and started to tear pieces off her napkin. "His decisions are all over the place. It's yes, then no. It's annoying."

I pushed my hand through my hair and took a deep breath. I saw the waitress head over to our table in my periphery. "Food's here," I stated.

"There you go. Enjoy," she said, before tending to another table.

"Thank you, Alice, for helping me see Edward's perspective on this. I mean, I saw where he was coming from, but I never understood it, you know? I know I have a lot of work to do when it comes to Edward, but hopefully the next time I see him, everything with be better."

"Yeah...Better." She didn't seem confident in her answer.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing. I just have so much going on in this head of mine. I don't even know where my own thoughts go."

"Oh." I picked up one of my fries and nibbled on it. I couldn't wait to get out of here so I could call Edward. I had this newfound motivation and confidence in knowing that I could place everything back where it belonged.

"It's about time, dumb-ass," Alice mumbled.

"Excuse me?" I said, almost choking on my fry.

"A certain somebody decided to take his head out of his ass," she said, rolling her eyes.

I looked at her confused - then it dawned on me. Edward decided to come and meet us after all.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"I can't tell, but the rest of the night will turn out alright."

Alright? Just alright? I decided it would have to do because it was better than what I had. I knew there would be tension between Edward and me, but I could handle that if it meant we would be together for the night. I waited impatiently for him to arrive at the diner. I wanted to see him. I wanted to know if he was okay - if we were okay.

I wanted the chance to show him that I understood where he was coming from. I wanted to apologize for being such a bitch the whole time. I wanted to prove to him that being a vampire didn't really matter to me. I only wanted it so that I would never have to be without him, so that nobody else could have him. After this whole conversation with Alice, it made me realize that being a vampire wasn't worth loosing Edward over. It didn't matter anymore as long as I had him until the day I died; that he would be there for every breath that I took.

I decided to tell Edward tonight that I no longer wanted to be a vampire. That I had only wanted it for selfish reasons. Obviously if it came around to Edward wanting to grant me that wish, I would take it without a second thought, but I knew that time would never come. I was going to start appreciating what I had instead of taking it for granted. I had a beautiful man who worshiped the ground I walked on, who loved me for me. He was devout and committed. It was about time that I stepped back and took a look at the unique relationship that I had. I smiled inwardly in knowing that tonight was going to be better than alright. It was going to be amazing.

"Alice?"

"Bella."

"What do these fries smell like to you?"

"What kind of question is that?" she laughed.

"Well, vampires don't eat food, so I was wondering if it smells the same as it does to humans."

"It smells like shit," she replied as she crinkled her nose again.

"Not potato?" I laughed.

"Well, Bella, if I remembered what a potato smelled like, then I would tell you." Alice smiled and shook her head. "Why are you so cheery all of a sudden?"

"Well, I just can't wait to see Edward. I had time to think and I realized what I've been missing, and it's him. I've been missing him."

"Okay, as long as that makes sense in your head. I guess that's all that matters." She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and flipped it open. "Jasper's texting me."

I nodded in response. "Alice, eat a fry."

She snorted. "No way! I'll puke it."

"Please, just do it for me. Try a fry."

"Bella, what has gotten into you? You're acting like a two year old."

I was acting like a two- year-old, but I couldn't help feeling giddy about seeing Edward and spending time with him. I couldn't wait for him to get here. Everything was going to be perfect. I could feel it.

"I just want to know what you think it tastes like, maybe it doesn't taste like shit."

"Bella, all food, to us, tastes like shit."

"Whatever." I slouched against the back of the booth and took my cell phone out of my bag. My phone indicated a new text message and I flipped it open. As I was about to click view, I saw Alice slowly grab a fry off my plate from the corner of my eye. I looked up at her and watched her eat it in amazement. I don't know why I found it so fascinating, but I did.

She bit into it and gagged, causing me to laugh out loud. She managed to eat the whole thing before she ripped into me. "See? Shit!" she yelled.

I laughed again. Her facial reaction was hilarious. "Thank you, Alice."

"Yeah, yeah. Go back to your cellphone, so I can get back to mine." She stuck her tongue out at me.

After I gave her the bird, I brought my attention back to my cell phone and clicked the VIEW button.

**What are you doing after school tomorrow? -Jake**

I looked up at Alice to see if she was watching, but she was too busy texting Jasper.

**I'm not too sure at the moment. Why?- B**

Not even a minute later, I received a text message back.

**Well, I wanted to try something with you. If you're up to it. -Jake**

**Try what? -B**

I don't know what he could possibly want to try with me, but I was intrigued.

**Haha. I'm not that easy, Bells. You'll have to say yes to find out. -Jake.**

I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

**Fine. You win. I'll drive down after school tomorrow.**

**Horray :P -Jake.**

I smiled at my phone before placing it back in my bag. I looked back up to find Alice with her arms crossed over her chest, looking at me skeptically. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Uh no, you're not." I felt a blush rise in my cheeks. "It was a friend of mine."

"Tsk, tsk, Bella."

"What?"

"I just saw your decision."

"Fine. I'm seeing Jacob tomorrow. He wants to show me something," I lied. I was afraid if I told her he wanted to_ try _something it wouldn't get me anywhere good.

"Ohhhh, man. Good luck to you, Bella."

"What's that suppose to mean?" Just then, I heard the bells on the door jingle and I looked over to see Edward walking in. His eyes were wide and his nostrils flared as he made his way over to our table.

Fuck. He'd heard everything.

He walked up and stood beside Alice without taking his gaze off me. "Alice." He nodded. "Bella."

"Hi, Edward." I swallowed hard and pushed over in my seat. "Did you want to sit here?"

My hands suddenly became cold and sweaty. I was nervous, but mostly I felt guilty for thinking of keeping my visit to Jacob's a secret. If I wanted this tension between us to break, I had to be honest with Edward. Though I didn't understand Edward's discomfort and hate toward Jacob, now was a better time than ever to discuss that with him. Maybe, hopefully, it would smooth things over. It was a start in the right direction.

"Sure." He sat down slowly beside me, but his body remained tense.

"So, Edward," Alice said. "You decided to come."

"That I did." He took his gaze off me and turned to Alice. The way he looked at Alice was almost as if he was concentrating hard on something. I then looked over at Alice, her eyes were squinted and her lips were pressed in a hard line. I assumed Alice was showing him something.

The more I sat there and watched their interaction, the more I felt awkward and out of place. "Edward," I interrupted. "I'm happy you came. I've missed you."

He turned to face me and took my hand, bringing it up to his lips and kissing each one of my fingers. "I missed you too, Bella."

"Alright, as much as I would love to stay, I have Jasper waiting for me at home." Alice put her phone in her purse and stood up.

"Bye, Alice. Thanks...for tonight," I said, smiling at her.

"Oh, Bella, anytime! We have to do this again soon, okay?"

She took a twenty dollar bill out of her wallet to pay for everything, but Edward reached over and stopped her from putting it on the table. "That's not necessary, Alice. Allow me," he offered.

She nodded. "Thanks. See you tomorrow."

I suddenly felt a rush of emotions. This time it wasn't mixed with despair and apprehension, but admiration and appreciation. It felt good to feel this way again. "Alice, wait!" I yelled.

She turned around before she opened the door. "I know, Bella. I love you, too." She winked and walked out.

Edward got up from beside me and took Alice's place across the booth.

"Edwar-"

"Bella, you smell different."

"Okay, Alice said the same thing. I don't get it, I don't smell anything!"

Edward chuckled, but sobered up quickly. "Don't worry about it, it's not important. I came here to apologize to you, Bella." I sighed and nodded. "For everything."

"I know, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was seeing Jacob on Saturday."

"You know I don't trust him, Bella." Edward looked away from me as he fisted his hands. "There is just something about him that rubs me the wrong way."

"You have nothing to worry about, Edward. I know how you get on edge when I see him, but I have known him since I was four. You have nothing to be worried about."

He brought his hands to his lap and took an unnecessary deep breath in and flared his nostrils. I had to comfort him. "Look, Edward, I trust Jacob with everything I have. You have to trust me on this one, okay? I know you feel uneasy when it comes to him, and I understand that, but you also have to understand that Jacob is my best friend. I need him in my life." I reached across the table and put my hand out, encouraging him to take it. He hesitantly put his hand in mine and laced our fingers together. "Please, Edward. If I thought Jacob was untrustworthy or he was sketchy, believe me, I wouldn't be hanging around him. Please wait until you have something to base your judgments on before you get all hyper."

Edward brushed his free hand through his hair and knitted his eyebrows together. "I just want to keep you safe, Bella. Please, trust me on him."

"Enough, Edward. I'm not worried about Jacob so you shouldn't be either, okay?" I smiled at him and brought his hand up to my mouth, kissing his cool palm. He closed his eyes, waiting for me to continue. Just trust me, Edward. I trust you, so I want the same in return. Please take comfort in knowing that if anything happens I will call you. If you don't trust me than I don't know what to do."

"I trust you, Bella. It's _him_ I don't trust."

"You don't have to worry about him, okay?" This was my first test in understanding him. I had to compromise with him, not tell him what to feel. "Look, how about when I see Jacob tomorrow, I'll text you throughout the time I'm with him. Also, if you get too worried or you need some reassurance, just call me. How does that sound?" I brought my right hand up and cupped the side of his face. He leaned into my hand and relaxed slightly, nodding in response. "Okay, good."

"Okay. I can do this," he reassured himself.

It hurt me to see him so lost. How could I deserve somebody like him? Everything about him was so beautiful. I removed my hand from his face and started to trace our intertwined fingers. "Edward, you can do anything. I know you can."

"I don't deserve you, baby." I felt butterflies flit through my stomach. I loved when he called me that.

"You deserve everything that I am capable of, Edward. I want to give you everything I can, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered.

"Edward?" He stared deeply into my eyes, silently acknowledging me. "Thank you."

He looked at me confused. "For what?"

"For being with me and letting me love you." I felt my throat tighten up and tried to swallow the emotion lump that formed within my throat.

Edward laughed lightly and smirked at me. "You're welcome," he said, winking at me.

"Did you wanna get out of here? I'm not going to finish this," I asked. I wanted to leave and crawl into Edward's arms.

"Sure, Bella." He took out a twenty dollar bill and tossed it on the table. He stood up and walked over to my side of the booth and held out his hand. I placed my hand in his as he helped me out of my seat. He then took my coat of the hanger and helped me put it on, and I lifted an eyebrow at him. "I'm trying to be a gentleman."

The way Edward looked at me always took my breath away, making me slightly dizzy. I exhaled the breath I didn't know I was holding and shook my head. "Um, yeah. It's working," I said shakily. In that moment, I was completely dazzled by Edward Cullen.

"I'm glad I still dazzle you."

I worried my bottom lip as I tried to focus on what I was feeling. This whole interaction with Edward tonight was heartwarming and it felt like I had just fallen in love with Edward all over again.

"You do, Edward. But just...never lose it."

I looked up at him seriously as we walked out of the diner. His eyes held uncertainty, but he smiled softly at my comment. "Never."

"Never is a promise. You know that right?"

He nodded in response and opened the passenger door for me. Once Edward made his way around to the driver's side, he got in and stared intently at me. The expression on his face was one I couldn't explain. It was weird. "Edward, are you alright? What's wro-"

Edward grabbed the sides of my face and instantly crashed his mouth against mine. It took me by surprise, but I kissed him back. I had waited so long for him to kiss me like that again, and he finally did without any regard. His kisses felt tender, yet urgent. Loving, yet needy. I knew Edward was fighting with himself. I knew that he needed guidance to find the right direction, and that right direction was me.

He pulled away and rested his forehead against mine. I was breathing heavily from the lack of oxygen, but I wouldn't complain. He pulled away from me slightly and bore his heavy lidded eyes into mine.

"Bella?"

"Yes..." I answered hesitantly.

"Be with me."

"I am with you, Edward. I'm here," I said, panic present within my voice.

"No. It's not enough," he said, his voice breaking at the end. The look on his face was so tortured, my heart hurt for him.

I placed my hands on his forearms. "Then tell me, Edward. Tell me what I can do to make it enough," I asked desperately. He was silent for a long time and it was unnerving. "Edward, please. You're worry-"

"Eternity."

I knitted my eyebrows together in confusion. I shook my head quizzically, trying to wrap my head around what he was saying. Tears welled up in my eyes; I was scared and confused.

"What?"

"I want you to love me for eternity."

Hot tears streamed down my face and it was getting harder for me to breathe. "I will l-love you for the rest of m-my life and t-then some, Edward. Always," I cried.

"Don't cry, my love" He took his left hand off my face and placed it over my heart. "I want...Bella, I want you to live with me for eternity."

The blood drained from my face at the realization of what he had asked me. He wanted to change me, so I could live with him for eternity.

My heart stopped beating. I couldn't breathe.

Pursue


	6. Leopard and the Lamb

**Author Notes: **Hey, guys! I'm back now, so thanks for being patient with me while I got settled down here in Vancouver. It is a huge change of pace for me, but it is so beautiful. I have so much to catch you up on, but I'll let you read this chapter, and I'll see you at the chapter end notes.

Thank you to LaRosada and Sheynondoah for editing this chapter with their mad beta-ing skills!

Chapter song and title belongs to Cat Power's 'Leopard and the Lamb.' It's a really good song, so be sure to check it out.

Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga, I own Joan Jett's greatest hits cd.

**Don't forget to leave a review! It's better than Rob naked. Okay, maybe not…but go ahead and do it anyway!

**BPOV**

I was extremely relieved in knowing I would be with Edward and his family forever, but my heart stung knowing what I would lose in the process. Since Edward had agreed to change me, I had been hit with the reality of my life and everything in it: my friends, my family, my job, my humanity, and lastly, Jacob. Eventually, I would have to say goodbye to everyone and the one I wanted to avoid doing that with was Jacob. He didn't know about the existence of vampires, and I knew I couldn't tell him - but then what _would_ I tell him? Tell him that I had a change of heart, and that I no longer wanted to be his friend? Or tell him that I was moving away and the reasons behind it were none of his business? Both scenarios were out of the question. I couldn't do that to him-I couldn't lie. He deserved more than that. I knew Jacob was smart and would figure out something was fishy sooner or later. I knew he wouldn't give me up - his best friend - without a fight. He deserved to know the truth. I trusted and confided in him with everything, and it tore me apart to break the foundation of our friendship and hurt him. I could deal with losing my friends, I could deal with telling Charlie and Renee that I was moving away with the Cullens, I could deal with that, but I couldn't deal with lying to Jacob - I wouldn't.

I pushed back the inevitable for just one more night and drove down to La Push to see Jacob. On top of everything I had to consider, I was excited to find out what Jacob had in store for me. The weather was crap; it was cold, damp, and the rain was misty, so I couldn't imagine the evening would to turn out to be fun.

I pulled up in front of Jake's and saw him sitting down on his porch, smiling at me. I turned off the truck and hopped out, jogging for cover from the drizzle. "Hey, Jake," I said as I sat beside him.

"Hey, Bella, how was school?" He turned to me and quirked his eyebrow.

"School was fine, loser. How about you?"

"I ditched," he laughed.

"Jacob Black ditching class? I don't believe it!" I laughed back.

"I just didn't feel like going. It's so boring," he said, picking up a rock and tossing it.

I brushed my hand through my hair and looked at Jacob. He was smiling at me, and I gave him a small one back, wondering about the sudden rebel he was. I didn't want to question him, so I changed the subject. "So, what is it that you dragged me here to try?"

He smiled back and ruffled my hair. "Well, I don't know if you're going to be up to it, Bells."

I bit my lip and shook my head. I felt adrenaline rush through my veins in reaction to the unknown. I suddenly had this newfound determination to live my life. Live it while I still could. "Try me," I posed, quirking my eyebrow at him. I knew he wouldn't have asked if he didn't think I wouldn't like it.

"Well, it's not that you wouldn't like it." See? "I just don't know if you would be up to trying it," he said nervously.

"Jacob, you drag me out here in this shitty weather just to back out? I'm up for anything if you're doing it along with me." I got up from the porch, wiped the dirt off my backside, and walked towards the forest.

"Bells, where are you going?" he called, catching up to me.

"Well, I'm sure whatever it is you want to try with me doesn't happen inside your house."

"You're right."

"Jake, you're really getting on my fucking nerves. What are we trying?" I said, annoyed.

"Fine," Jacob said, grabbing my arm and stopping me from walking any further. "We're meeting Seth and we're gonna smoke some pot."

Pot. Weed. Grass. Dope. I never gave much thought to trying it, mostly because I was never around people who indulged in it. Come to think of it, my whole life I wore an invisible safety jacket, always making sure I did the right thing. I was suddenly very tired of doing the right thing, and I wanted to live a little. I thought about how soon I would have to say goodbye to Jacob and the rest of my life. I wasn't going to be a human for much longer, and I wanted as many human experiences possible. I wanted to try things I never would have thought about. I wanted to try things that I would_ normally_ say no to…I wanted to be human.

"Cool. Let's get a move on, then," I said as I started to walk toward the forest again.

"Whoa. Hey, you're cool with this? You want to smoke pot?" he asked, surprised.

"Uh, yeah I do. I'm giving this whole 'live in the moment' thing a try."

"Right." He smiled at me before he put his arm around my shoulder and we made our way to Seth's place.

**EPOV**

I came home from leaving a fast asleep Bella, to a seething Alice.

"Are you crazy?" Alice screeched as soon as I walked into the living room.

"Alice, tone your voice down, please," Esme pleaded.

Alice faced Esme and pointed her finger my way. "Esme, Edward can't do this!" she shot back to her.

I stood in the middle of the living room not saying a word. I knew exactly what Alice thought I couldn't do- change Bella. I was confused, however, because I thought this was what the whole family wanted. I was also in disbelief; I thought we had discussed this and Alice saw Bella as a vampire. I couldn't say anything; all I could do was shake my head with disappointment and confusion.

"Edward, would you please fill the family in on what is going on?" Carlisle asked.

I looked around the living room. Alice had her arms crossed over her chest, scowling at me. Rosalie's features were stern and she stood closely beside Emmett who was smiling with his arm around her shoulders- enjoying all the family drama. Then there was Jasper, who looked as though he was on the verge of breaking down from trying to manipulate our emotions. I looked at him sympathetically. I took in the appearances of my family, and I couldn't help but feel ashamed. I had disappointed them.

I finally glanced over at Carlisle who was waiting patiently for me to respond. "I have decided to take Bella's wishes into consideration," I said flatly, and stood in the middle of my families' dead silence.

It took a while before Carlisle spoke up. "Does this mean you have chosen to do the transition yourself, then?"

Before I could answer, I heard Rosalie scoff. I looked over at her. "Is there a problem, Rosalie?" I asked her, annoyed. The lack of support that was riding off my family was extremely frustrating.

"Yeah, Edward, there is." She moved herself from Emmett's embrace and walked towards me. "I just think it's funny that you've decided to do this yourself, considering you can't even be intimate with her." She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. "What makes you think you'll be able to stop yourself once you get her blood on your tongue?"

"Rosalie," Carlisle said firmly.

Ignoring him, she continued, "What makes you think once you sink your teeth into her flesh you'll be able to let go?"

I was seething. I balled my hands into fists and glared at her, a growl rumbling within my chest.

"Rosie, babe, c'mon," Emmett encouraged her. "Let's get some fresh air."

"Shut up, Emmett," she shot back and growled at him, turning back to face me. "What makes you think that you would _want_ to stop yourself? You are incredibly selfish and stupid for even thinking this was the best idea."

I winced at her forwardness. "I never said it would be easy, but it is the best way if I want to keep Bella in my life. She is constantly in danger, Rosalie, this is the only way. This is what she wants," I said firmly.

"All right, Rosalie. That is enough." Esme interjected, and walked over to Rosalie, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Go with Emmett and calm yourself down. I'm sure Edward has a plan sorted out for this. Please don't jump to conclusions. You're not making this any better, dear."

"No, Esme! I am so sick of Edward being comforted!" she spat.

Esme winced at the harshness of her voice, making me yell out in her defense. " Do _not_ speak to her that way," I demanded.

Rosalie looked over at me with shock which quickly turned back into anger. "Do you honestly think this is what's best for her? Or are you just thinking about what's best for yourself? How dare you take away her humanity. I bet you're just doing it because you want a taste of her blood. You can't stand the fact that she's human and you want to take that away from her! You're a sick fuck, Edward! You're selfish!" Rosalie screamed.

"Enough," Carlisle demanded. "Rosalie, you are to leave this home and come back when you have calmed yourself down. We will discuss this further when you have done so." Carlisle glanced over towards me." Edward, we need to talk." Then, he glanced over at Alice. "Alice, you and Jasper can leave for awhile. Give us some privacy. We will have a family meeting after we have come up with a solution."

I looked at Emmett who had an apologetic look on his face. _I'm proud of you, man. If you want to talk about it, I'll be back later. I need to calm Rosalie down. _ I nodded in response.

All this time I had thought this was what they wanted - Bella a vampire; a part of our coven. I was confused and hurt at their reaction. Rosalie was extremely out of line, and she did nothing but make Bella feel uncomfortable within our home.

I hadn't thought about it until Alice brought it up. There were a lot of things we needed to go over first before we decided to continue with the plan of Bella's transformation. I couldn't help but think the whole process was going to be more difficult than I had anticipated. I also couldn't help but think I had spoken too soon last night.

I stood in the middle of the living room, which now only consisted of me, Carlisle, and Esme. I looked up at them sadly, and they met my eyes with regret.

"Edward, I won't allow you do to this," Carlisle stated.

**BPOV**

"Bella, you pinch the joint between your index finger and thumb," Seth explained. "It's as simple as that.

I looked over at Jacob and he nodded, encouraging me to try it. As we sat in a circle- Indian style, in Seth's basement- I couldn't help but feel like a complete tool. I was almost eighteen, and I couldn't even smoke pot right. I took a deep breath and took the joint from Seth's hands, trying to get the hang of it once more. I placed the joint between my thumb and forefinger and inhaled deeply. I felt it course through my lungs, and I was on the verge of choking on the smoke, but I fought the urge to exhale.

"Keep it inhaled, Bella. You get a better high if you do that," Jacob informed me, smiling.

I looked at him and then to Seth, who was nodding his head in approval. I kept it in my lungs until I felt it burn, and I exhaled quickly, coughing in the process.

"Atta, girl," Jacob chuckled, patting me on the back. "See, it's not that bad."

I looked over at him, unimpressed, and took a sip from my water bottle. The burn hadn't left my throat yet, and I felt my face start to heat up. I felt slightly numb, making everything fuzzy around the edges.

"I think Bella's high as a kite now, Jacob," Seth laughed.

"I'm so proud of her," Jacob said, pretending to cry.

I rolled my eyes and laughed at his act. It was out of character for me to laugh so much, but I figured it was the weed kicking in. "Shut up! Hey, Jake?"

"Yeah," he choked out, holding smoke in his throat.

"Give me some more!" I begged. I knew at that point I was officially stoned.

"Here, Bells." He passed the joint over, and I took a long toke, exhaling slowly.

"Bells?" Jake said.

"Yes, Jakey?" I smiled.

"Don't ever call me that again," he said in mock disappointment. "Anyway, I just wanted to say that you're great, and I love you as a best friend. Also, that I know we will be friends for a long time. I know I'm really stoned right now, so bear with me." Jake closed his eyes and smacked the side of his head before continuing. "Sorry, I lost my train of thought, but I have it back now. One day, we will both have kids and they can be best friends, too. How awesome would that be?"

I took in Jacob's lazy smile and blood shot eyes. His words suddenly snapped me out of my drug induced haze, and I gave the joint back to him quickly. I got up from the floor abruptly and grabbed my jacket. "I, um, I gotta go," I said quickly, taking off up the stairs.

"Bells, where are you going?" Jacob called after me, but I ignored him

.

"Are you alright, Bella?" I heard Seth call out in the distance as I made my way out the front door.

I brushed my hands through my hair and worried my bottom lip. Jacob and I were not going to be friends forever and sitting down there with them, having fun, was just going to make everything harder for me. Since the decision made last night, all I could think about was how to say goodbye to Jacob, and he was telling me that our kids were going to be best friends. Another realization dawned on me; immortality didn't allow me to have kids, and I couldn't handle that. I needed to get away and think about everything- what I was giving up. It was unfair that I had to give so much up for Edward, but I knew I would do it anyway. I wanted too.

"Bella, hey, wait up!" Jacob called, running up behind me.

I stopped and turned to face him. "I need to go home, Jake," I said sadly.

"You can't drive, Bella. You're high."

"I'm fine, Jake," I insisted. I was about to crack, and I needed to get away. I was torn between staying with him because I didn't have much time left, and leaving because it hurt too much to stay.

"Bella, what is going on with you? Are you all right?" He looked at me concerned and placed his hand on my shoulder. "You don't look so good."

"I'm fine, Jacob," I said sternly as I shrugged out from under his hold. I opened the door to my truck and was about to sit down, but Jacob's voice stopped me.

"Bella?" he asked, obviously not believing me.

"WHAT?" I yelled in response, feeling the rims of my eyes burning with tears.

"God, what the hell is wrong with you?" he snapped back.

I sighed and got in my truck, ignoring him. I started up the engine and looked back at him. His face was full of concern. I knew he was worried, and I had no right to speak to him the way I had. "Look, Jacob, I just have a lot on my mind right now, okay?" I closed my eyes so I didn't have to see the look on his face. "Goodbye, Jake," I sighed.

"You say it like you're never gonna see me again, Bella," he chuckled. When he noticed I wasn't laughing along with him, he sobered up immediately. "…Bella?" he said, nervously.

"I'm sorry, Jake." I closed the door and wiped the tears from my eyes. I heard him plead with me to stay, but I pulled out of the driveway and drove off. I glanced at him through my rear-view mirror and my chest constricted at the sight. He was standing at the end of his lawn, looking confused and hurt, watching me drive away.

I lay in bed soon after I came home, consumed in sorrow. I talked to Charlie for a few minutes and retired to my room before he could tell I was an emotional wreck, or that I was high. As I lay there, my conflicting thoughts were becoming unbearable. I couldn't even think straight. I was scared, happy, confused, and sad. Nothing was right anymore. I knew I wanted to become a vampire- that was a given- but what I didn't want was to give up what, and whom I loved. Edward told me we would have to relocate for at least three years. I didn't know a lot of the transition process, and I had so many questions about it. I didn't understand why I couldn't keep what I had in my human life. I knew it was going to be difficult to handle the early stages, but if I had proof around me of who I once was, I knew it would make everything better. As I lay restlessly in my bed, I decided that I would talk to Carlisle about how I could keep some parts of my human life when I transformed. I turned around and let out a low breath, knowing I could probably convince Carlisle to compromise. I knew Edward would fuss over my decision, but I couldn't handle letting my family go – letting Jacob go.

I woke up a few hours later to a beeping noise coming from my phone. I padded my nightstand and once I found my phone, I flipped it open.

**What's wrong, Bells? You have me worried. Please call. – J**

I felt horrible for leaving the way I had. The way I'd left things today with Jacob wasn't how I wanted him to remember me. Before I knew it, I was hitting the reply button.

**Sorry, Jake. I guess the weed freaked me out or something. I'm fine. – B**

I stared at his text message and thought about all we had been through. I had known him my whole life, and here I was throwing him away. He deserved better than that, and so did I. I deserved to be honest with him. He deserved to be told the truth. I knew Jacob didn't like Edward, that was a given, but he liked me. He liked me enough to never judge and be there when I needed him the most. I could always count on Jacob for support and understanding. I had to tell him what was going on – I had too.

**Okay, good. Just know I'm here if you wanna talk. So, are you still coming to the B.B.Q. tomorrow? – J**

Going to the B.B.Q. tomorrow would give me the perfect opportunity to let Jacob in on what was going to happen. If he was let in on everything, then maybe we could find a solution. I knew that when he found out about the existence of vampires he would be placed in harm's way, but I couldn't lie to him anymore…

**Of course I'll be at the B.B.Q. – B**

If I was anything, I was selfish.


	7. Let Me Sign

Author's Chapter Notes:

Hey, junkies! I'm back with chapter seven. I'm going to _try_ and post quicker updates for you guys. Thanks for the wonderful reviews and for those of you who favorite this story. It really does make my day.

Thank you to LaRosada and Pamela0201 for editing this chapter with there superb beta-ing skills.

Chapter song and title belongs to none other than the most beautiful man on the planet, Rob Pattinson.

I don't own Twilight or its Saga; I own every song from Band of Horses.

**EPOV**

"Edward, I won't allow you to do this," Carlisle said.

"You won't allow me to do this?" I asked, feeling shocked. "I...what does that mean?"

I felt a burning within my chest. I felt it course through my dead veins and scorch me more than bloodlust ever could. I never thought I could feel more alone in this world until now. It was me between my families' loyalty, and my irrevocable love for Bella. I was afraid I would have to choose, and I didn't want to. I couldn't fathom making such a choice.

"Son, don't get ahead of yourself, please." Carlisle came up to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. I glared at him. "You know more than anything that we want this for you. We want Bella as a part of our family."

I hissed and shook my head. If anything at all, I didn't need Carlisle to sugar coat the fact that I would indeed lose Bella. I looked away from him and furrowed my eyebrows in despair. I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to show my rage at the lack of their support, but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

"Why can't we do this, Carlisle? What is the difficulty? This is what she wants," I said, sadly.

"Oh, Edward," Esme said, sympathetically. "We know this is what she wants. We know this is what _you _want. But-"

"But, what?" I snapped.

"Edward," Carlisle interjected, grabbing Esme's hand. "We love Bella as family and we just want to make sure we go about this the right way."

I glanced at Esme and she gave me a small smile, nodding in agreement. "We want her to be a part of the family, Edward. We're willing to help you with that." Esme let go of her grasp on Carlisle's hand and came to place her hand on my cheek. I closed my eyes at her comforting touch. "I don't want you to think we are against changing Bella, dear. We're not. Please, don't be upset. Carlisle and I just think it's going to take more time than Bella might assume."

Right. Bella. I knew that she wanted this to be done quickly - I should have known. Having me agree to her transformation probably had her mind going so many miles a minute. I shook my head at my own ignorance. Though Bella would do anything in her power to become one of us, I was sure the importance of her humanity had struck her. There was so much to discuss when it came to vampirism, and I knew I couldn't ignore it for long. I feared that eventually she would figure out her humanity was worth more than she thought. Though I feared it, I was relieved.

"Right, I understand." I grasped on to Esme's hand that was on my cheek, taking it off and intertwining our fingers. "I need to speak to Bella about a lot of things. I need to let her know the implications."

"Son, there are implications, but she has us – her family – to protect her. There are implications for us all, Edward, and it is nothing that our coven can't overcome. It will be hard for Bella to deal with her losses at first, but she's aware of that. She is a very strong human, Edward." Carlisle interjected.

I nodded in agreement. "I understand that, I know, but I can't understand why she wants to do this. I know I have agreed, but from Bella's perspective, I…" I trailed off, shaking my head in confusion. I untangled my hands from Esme's and paced the room.

"Why does anybody do anything, Edward?" Carlisle questioned. I looked over at him, staring at him blankly. "Why do people who love each other go to extremes? Do things beyond their power to be together? Look, I know you may not like what I have to say, son, but I have to say it. You and Bella need to learn how to communicate. You two may want the same things, but you are not on the same page. I think you two need to sit down and discuss this. It will be a huge adjustment to Bella's life as a newborn, and to ours. I know it is painful for you to hear, Edward, but Bella is going to be scared. She is going to rethink what she wants, and she is going to be in pain, because of what she has to lose. I know that Bella is very curious about our existence, but from what I have observed, you have not taught her or educated her about it.

"She knows very little, Edward. I am behind both of you for this transformation, but I will not let you do this until you have answered every single question she has. I know without a doubt that she has plenty, but she is hesitant to approach you about it because of your view on vampirism. You need to let her in."

Carlisle was right. Every word spoken had been none other than the truth. Every time Bella had approached me with her curiosity, I had gotten upset with her. She was open to a very different universe, and I left her to carry it all on her own. If I thought hard enough, I knew her questions would go beyond what I would ever expect. Every question opened a new question. Every answer I would give to Bella had the ability for her to change her mind, to open a door that enabled her to walk out of my life, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to blame her if she did. It was what she should do.

"You're right, Carlisle. It was selfish of me to hold this from her. To keep her away from what she had a right to know. When I see her next, I will fill her in on the consequences, and answer every question she may have."

"Edward," Esme said. "Don't just focus on the consequences. Please, stop thinking of the gift you have as a sin. It is nothing like that, my love. Don't go to her to turn her off of what she wants. Bella is extremely understanding and has supported us more than any human should. She has shown nothing but loyalty, trust, love, and commitment towards this family. I would hope this family could do the same for her. However, this is not the only thing you need to keep in mind. Our main concern was the time line for her transformation. You have to realize that there is more to plan than just the bite, Edward. You have to think of her family, her friends, her education, and her needs. We have to make this as comfortable and easy as possible. We also have to discuss this with the family, to make sure we have their support one hundred percent."

"I agree, Esme. I will do anything to make Bella comfortable throughout the transformation. It pains me to know how much pain she is going to go through."

"Edward, I know you are going to do the right thing," Carlisle added. "I need you to come to me once you two have come to a decision on how to go about the transformation. If Bella would like to come and speak to the family, she is welcome to do so. I have a feeling she would like to."

I gave them both a small smile and turned to leave, but Esme's voice stopped me. "Edward?" I turned to look at her. "Remember what you said. 'It pains me to know how much pain she is going to go through?'"

"Yes."

"She's doing it all for you, Edward, for you only. If that's not love, I don't know what is." I nodded in response and left the house to go feed.

If I was anything, I was selfish.

**BPOV**

Finally, it was the weekend, and I didn't have to work. With everything shooting through my mind, I couldn't consume myself with the friendships – besides Jacob's- I would lose. I sat up and brushed my hand through my hair, then rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I glanced over at the time on my alarm clock, 9:13 am. I was relieved because Charlie would be fishing by now, and I wasn't any better than when I last left him to watch his sports news. I had to collect myself before I made it to the Black's B.B.Q. I needed to go there strong, hopeful, and happy. I needed to convince myself that Jake would, in fact, be supportive. I prayed that he would be supportive. As much as Jake was there for me, I woke up with a shadow hanging over my head that his support just might not be the outcome, and the pit of my stomach tightened. _No, Bella, don't back out. You have to tell Jake. He deserves to know, _my thoughts tried to convince me.

I got up and stretched, and before I could make it to the door, I heard a tap on the window. I quickly turned around to see Edward grinning at me. I smiled back and walked to the window, opening it up for him.

"Hey!" I said, cheerily. My heart beat erratically when Edward came around, and I knew that being with him was the right decision – the best way. He gave me hope and confidence. He gave me courage, enough to be able to tell Jacob.

"Hey, my love, how was your sleep?" he asked, before leaning in and kissing my forehead – it wasn't enough.

I leaned back and grabbed the sides of his face, flushing my lips tightly against his. My body responded in multiple ways when I felt his lips move and capture with mine to complete our kiss. I moaned into his mouth when he continued to kiss me, happy that he didn't back away. My lungs started to burn for oxygen, and before I knew it, I pulled away. "Uh, my sleep? It was…good," I said, dazzled.

Edward grinned, and brushed his hand across my cheek. "Good, because I have a day planned for us."

"You do? I'm intrigued, Mr. Cullen, do tell what it entails." I smiled at him and left his embrace to pick some clothes out of my dresser.

"Well, I thought I would take you out for some…" He looked at the clock, then back at me. "Some lunch, and then we could, you know, talk for awhile."

"Um, yeah, sure. Just let me go get dressed." I said, grabbing a t-shirt and jeans before walking to the bathroom.

I quickly got dressed, brushed my teeth, and fluffed my hair out a bit before going back to my room. I stopped suddenly when I noticed Edward was no longer there. I went down stairs and smiled at him sitting on my kitchen counter.

"You know, these things aren't that comfortable." He grinned.

"Really? I always thought they were," I said sarcastically, and laughed.

Edward chuckled back, and lifted himself off the counter. I walked to the front hall and put on my converse before turning back to face him. "So, wanna go get some lunch now? I bet you're hungry." I tried to hold my smile back to look serious, but to no avail.

Edward dashed towards me, picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder. I screamed out and slapped his ass begging him to put me down.

"No way, Bella. A beautiful woman like you shouldn't walk to the car," he laughed, swatting my ass every step he took.

"EDWARD! Ha ha, very funny! Let me down!" I wrapped my arms around his torso and kissed his shoulder blade. I could smell his sweet skin through his cotton t-shirt, making my heart explode with love for him. Before I knew it, I was on my feet and Edward was holding the passenger door open for me. "Now, _that_, is what I call service." I stuck my tongue out at him and got into the car.

Before Edward shut the door, he leaned down and whispered, "That's not the only thing I can service."

My mouth fell open.

Lunch went by pretty fast; flirting with your vampire boyfriend would do that to you. I couldn't help think that Edward sensed my unease about everything that was going to happen. I was glad that he didn't seem to sense that it was because I was having second thoughts. As I laid down wrapped in Edward on my bed, I couldn't imagine myself being anywhere else. That is until I heard Charlie come home and yell, "Bells, you ready?" _Shit the B.B.Q._

I sat up abruptly and looked at Edward. "I'll be right back, okay?"

"You have the B.B.Q. tonight, I'll leave."

I thought for a second about how he knew, but soon realized- mind reader. I put my hands on his chest to stop him from getting up. "No! Please, don't leave. I'll tell Charlie I'm not feeling good.

"Bells, you up there?" Charlie called from the staircase landing.

"Bella, please, I don't want to keep you from this. Not now," Edward said, sadly.

"Edward, I don't care, I want to be with you." I don't know what came over me, but I couldn't pull myself to be away from Edward for one minute. I don't know if it was a sign that I shouldn't tell Jacob, or if I really wanted to tell him at all. "Edward, please. I'll see Jacob another time. You should be happy that I'm not seeing him."

"Bella, your friends mean something to you, and soon you're not going to…"

"Don't.' I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Don't. I'll be back, so just stay there."

I heard Charlie's boots clunking up the stairs, so I quickly got out of my room and shut the door behind me. "Hey, dad, sorry."

"You all right, Bella?"

"Um…no, I'm not. I'm not feeling good." I looked at him and tried my best to act sick, luckily it worked.

"Huh, so you don't think you can come? Jacob was lookin' forward to seeing you."

"I know." I put my head down and crossed my arms over my chest. "Tell him I'm sorry, and I'll call him later."

I felt horrible for lying to Charlie and for ditching Jacob. Even when my days with them were numbered, I couldn't bring myself to think I wasn't doing the right thing by staying home with Edward.

"Okay, well, feel better, then. If you change your mind, come, okay?"

"Yeah, for sure." I ran my hand through my hair and nodded.

"Okay. Bye." Charlie looked at me for a few seconds longer before turning around and making his way back down the stairs.

"Bye," I called out, before I made my way back into my room. I was relieved to see Edward was exactly where I had left him. "Sorry about that."

"Don't be." He grinned.

I walked back towards Edward and sat Indian style on my bed. I looked deeply into Edward's eyes. "Edward?"

"Yes, Bella."

I knew that I had to tell Edward my concerns about losing everything I had. I knew it didn't have to be that way, but I also knew I would have a hard time convincing Edward and/or the Cullens otherwise. "I want to talk about my transformation."

Edward's body stiffened and he copied my position on the bed. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Okay, Bella. What would you like to know?"

I could tell this was going to be difficult for him, that he was holding back his protests, and I admired him more because of it. I understood. "Um, first, before anything, I want to know why I can't keep what I have now."

Edward sighed before answering me. "Bella, being a vampire is more difficult than you can fathom. It isn't easy, and we want to make it as easy for you as possible. Even if you are confidence in knowing that you're going to be the same person, you're not."

"What makes me a different person, Edward? Why can't I still love the people I do now?" Edward looked at my sympathetically, he knew I didn't understand his reasonings and probably never would as long as I was human.

"Bella, after your transformation you will lose memory of your human life. It's just what happens when the venom takes over your body and the transformation is complete. You will still have the same personality, you will still have the same thought process, but it will be more complicated."

"Complicated?" I questioned.

"Yeah, complicated." Edward ran his hands through his hair and looked away before continuing. "See, your thoughts are going to be consumed by your thirst. You see people, you care for them, but the front of your mind is constantly wondering when you're going to get your next fix. Quenching your thirst is your number one priority for the first three years of your transformation."

"I have will power, Edward. I'm sure I can handle it," I reassured.

Edward laughed humorlessly. "You act as if you're giving up caffeine, or chocolate, Bella. Listen to me." He leaned forward and placed his hands on my shoulders. "Blood will be your primary source. It isn't a hunger, it's a craving. You'll be an addict, searching for their next hit. I hate it, I hate it." Edward winced and shook his head.

"Edward, Edward, listen to me." I grabbed his face and looked him in the eyes. "Your good comes out stronger than your evil. I'm not naïve, and I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I know it won't be. I have had time to realize exactly what bloodlust feels like. Do I know what it's like to be an addict? No, of course I don't - that's why I have your family, why I have _you. _I just want to be able to at least communicate with my family, with Jacob."

"With Jacob, huh," Edward hissed.

"Edward, please, don't start." I took my hands off the sides of his face and rung them together. "My main concern about this whole transformation is my loss. What I'll lose. Am I expecting to see them? Of course not, Edward. Not just because of my bloodlust, but my looks, my eyes, my strengths. I just want to talk to Charlie and Renee, to Jac – my friends."

Edward took a few minutes to answer me before he spoke again. "Your…Bella, your voice won't be the same."

I laughed out loud at what he said. "My voice? You mean you didn't sound like this when you were human?" I quirked my eye brow at him, but Edward stayed silent. "Edward?"

"No, Bella. Everything about me is different. I'm not who I was, Bella."

"You make yourself sound like a bad guy, Edward, and I'm not buying it. You have done well from what you have become, and I want to live like you, like the Cullens. You're all so beautiful, why can't you see that?"

"Bella, why do we have to discuss this? I'm willing to transform you, can't that be enough?"

I felt heat spread throughout my veins. My chest constricted, and I couldn't really say what I was feeling. Was he only transforming me because it was what _I _wanted? I wanted him to want this just as much as I and his family did. "No, Edward, it's not!" I got up off the bed and rung my hands together; they were cold and clammy.

"What? Now you're saying you don't want this? Bella, this is something I don't take lightly, I need you to be serious about your decision. There is a lot of planning to go along with this."

I pushed both hands through my hair as I paced my room and tugged on the strands. I laughed humorlessly. "Edward, I am quite aware that this is serious, and believe me, I'm being serious about my decision. If I wasn't fucking serious, I wouldn't be leaving everything I love for you!" I wanted to say everything but that. I wanted to tell him that I was willing to give that up for him, that there was no question about it. My hurt and anger spoke for itself without sifting through my verbal filter. I knew I was hurting him and making him feel bad. I refused to let the day play out like this, not again. It seemed too often we strolled this vicious cycle, and it was coming to a stop, but before I could raise my white flag, Edward spoke up.

"You know what? No one asked this of you!" he yelled. I stood, shocked at his tone. "I never asked you to give up all that you love for me! I never wanted this to happen! I never wanted to damn you, Bella!" Edward stood up and balled his fists.

_He never wanted to ask me?_

"So, what now? You want to take back what you said, Edward? Really?" I felt an emotional lump form within my throat, constricting my breathing. My ears starting to ring and prickly feelings exploded all over my skin. I couldn't feel my legs, and my feet were ice cold. I was hyperventilating.

"Bella? Bella!" Edward flew towards me and wrapped me in his arms. He kissed my temple and grabbed the sides of my face. "Bella, stop, please."

I shook my head convulsively; he didn't want to change me. He never did. "No, you never wanted this. You don't want me forever. I know now, so just leave."

"Bella, look at me!" I bore my eyes right into his, the golden color slightly blinding me. "I want you forever. I want you by my side. I want you to become a part of my family. I want to love you for eternity. I meant everything I said last night, Bella, and I'm not taking it back. I know if I look deep enough, I have become a better man because of you. You are the only person who made me feel worthy, who made me feel like I had a heart, that I deserved to exist. Don't ever think otherwise."

"Why, then? Why don't you want this?"

"I want it, God damnit!" He placed a kiss on my forehead and repeated himself, "I want it."

I grabbed on to Edward's forearms and leaned my forehead against his, closing my eyes. "Then do it," I whispered. "Do it."

"I don't want you to regret it, my love," he whispered, sadly.

"I won't, Edward. This is what I want. I want to be with you forever. You took my heart the day you spoke to me, and I want you to have it forever. Please." Edward furrowed his eye brows together and pulled his lips back in protest. "Edward, answer something for me?"

"Anything," he said, brushing a kiss against my nose before placing his forehead back on mine.

"If…If you could have the chance to become human again, so that we could grow old and die together, would you?"

Edward winced before replying, "Of course I would, Bella, in a heartbeat." He chuckled at the irony of it.

I smiled. "See? That is exactly how I feel about becoming a vampire. Don't doubt for a second that your love for me is more than what I could ever feel for you." Edward let out a sigh before he kissed me softly against the lips. "I'm here, Edward, whether you want me or not. You have no reason to be scared. I want this, and I won't regret it. I will love you forever, that won't change."

"You'll lose your memory, Bella. You'll forget me."

"Never. I'll never forget you, that's a promise. This love I feel for you is not normal, Edward. It's powerful; it actually causes me physical pain sometimes. I promise I won't forget you. You will be there when I leave for a few days, and I will be there for you when I come back. Think of all the things we could do, Edward. No self control, no bloodlust. We will be together how we were meant to. If I was never meant to be a vampire, whatever it is that brought you to me wouldn't have."

Edward took an unnecessary deep breath in before he chuckled. "You sure know just what to say, huh?" He smiled.

"Of course, Edward. Do you get it now, though?"

"Yes, Bella."

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed him lightly. "I love you, Edward."

"I love you more, Bella."

The rest of the day we laid in each other's arms and talk about everything and nothing at all. Too soon, Edward had to leave before Charlie came home from the B.B.Q. I cleaned up my room a bit and worked on some homework, which reminded me I had to see Angela tomorrow. I heard a vibration come from my phone alerting me of a new text.

**You're not feeling good? – Jacob**

The text was sent shortly after Charlie would have gotten there, and I didn't notice it until now. I replied quickly with the first thing I could come up with.

**Hey. No, I'm not feeling too well. Sorry, I didn't get your text until now, I was sleeping. – B**

I felt horrible for lying to Jake, but I couldn't help feeling relieved that I didn't tell him about the existence of vampires. I knew Edward and I didn't talk about half the things we should have about my transformation, but I was glad that I didn't tell Jacob. It felt like a huge relief had been lifted off my shoulders after Edward and I discussed what was worrying us the most about all of this. I knew that once we cleared that up, I had more say in what I wanted. I had no doubt that I would be able to talk to Charlie and Renee after everything. Lastly, I was happy that I didn't have to stop speaking with Jacob, but I was scared to tell him I was leaving. I still needed to figure out all the details of my transformation, so I backed out on telling Jacob…for now.

**That sucks, Bells. I hope you didn't get Edward sick. – Jacob**

What? How did he know Edward was here? I felt my stomach become queasy and my palms started to sweat. I knew Jacob wouldn't be mad because I didn't tell him I was hanging out with Edward, but because I lied about being sick. I could still play the card and have it bite me in the ass later on, but I decided that honesty was the way I would play with Jacob.

**I'm sorry, Jake. We had a lot to talk about. We were having, er, problems. – B**

My throat suddenly felt coarse and dry, so I went to the washroom to get a glass of water. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed, preparing myself for Jacob's response to my last text message. I went back into my room and flipped open my cell phone. One unread message.

**You seem to be having a lot of those lately, Bella. Just…be careful, they aren't a trustworthy family. – Jacob**

After reading Jacobs last text message it piqued my interest. Not because he said the Cullens were untrustworthy – that was false – but because I wondered if he knew more than he was letting on.

**I'll be the judge of that, Jake. – B**

**Don't worry, Bells, I know. Call me when you can tell the truth. – Jacob**

I worried my bottom lip before deciding to call Jacob. He had every right to be angry with me, I had lied. It seems that every time one problem was solved, another problem would come up. I called his cellphone, but he didn't answer. I tried three more times before I finally left him a voicemail.

"Jake…it's me, Bella, obviously. Um, I'm sorry, I wanted to come, I really did. I don't know why I didn't just come out and tell you, I guess it was to avoid you being upset with me. Well look how that turned out," I laughed, awkwardly. "Please, don't be mad, call me back. I just wish you would pick up your phone. I hate leaving messages, um, call me, Jake. I love you, bye."

I hung up and flopped myself down on my bed. I stared at my ceiling and it felt like my bed was spinning in circles. My eyes started to sting and tears flowed out the corners of my eyes. I jerked slightly when I heard my phone going off and sat up quickly, whipping my nose and eyes. I flipped my phone open without looking at the caller ID. "Jacob," I said, my voice quavering.

"Ugh, it's Alice, Bella."

"Hey, what's up?"

"You talked with Edward today." It wasn't a question.

"Obviously, Alice, as you would know," I said, flatly.

"Are you, okay?" Alice asked, concerned.

"Uh, I'll be fine. Why did you call?"

"Because it's your birthday on Tuesday and you have nothing planned!" she chimed.

"Alice, I don't want to do anything for my birthday, please…" I trailed off.

"Stop being such a party pooper, Bella. We're throwing you a party, you have to come."

As much as I hated parties, I felt bad for declining Alice. I know it wouldn't be just her preparing the party; it would be the whole family. "Alice." I was going to protest one more time, but it was no use. "Fine, but nothing big, okay?" I said, defeated.

"Yes! It's going to be great, Bella. Okay, I have to go, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Uh, I have to-"

"Go to Angela's, I know. But, you'll come tomorrow. You need to speak with Carlisle, remember?"

"Alice, I don't like this sight you have," I laughed.

"I'll pick you up from Angela's tomorrow, okay? Around five?" she questioned.

"Alice, I can drive myself you know."

"I'll pick you up," she said, obviously ignoring what I just said.

I had a feeling that Alice wanted to talk to me about something before I arrived at the Cullens. I prayed that there wasn't another problem with my transformation. "Okay, fine. Look, I have to go to bed; I've had a long day, okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine, Bella. Good night!"

"Night." I slapped my phone shut and checked my text messages. Still nothing from Jacob. I decided that I would sit on it until tomorrow, let him have a chance to cool off before I called him again. I threw my covers on and pulled them up to my chin. I closed my eyes and said goodbye to another day left of my humanity.


	8. Cross Bones Style

**Author Notes: Hey guys, thanks for checking out my story! I want to hear what you guys think, so leave me a review. Everybody over at Twilighted (my home sweet home) is kicking your ass! I'm at 61 reviews over there so far, and her I got none! Show support.**

**Chapter song and title belong to Cat Powers song 'Cross Bones Style.' Check it out. It's one wicked song.**

**Thanks to La Rosada and KrisB Cullen for editing this chapter for me. You ladies are amazing! Also, thanks to Wikipedia for helping me out with the Cullens dialogue.**

**I don't own Twilight. I own a fine batch of blue raspberry kool-aid. That shits amazing.**

_"Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness." -Ray Bradbury_

**BPOV**

It was Sunday afternoon, and I was getting ready to visit Angela so we could work on our English assignment. Every day it came closer to my transformation, the harder it was for me to deal with everything, or rather, to deal with losing everything. Making the whole situation worse, I still hadn't heard back from Jacob. I tried texting him, but to no avail. I was really worried that I had ruined everything, but on the other hand, how strong was our friendship if he was willing to drop it because of something so petty? I shook my head to ease my irritation, because my annoyance should be the last thing on my list. I hurt him, obviously, and I needed to fix it.

I'd decided to head over to the Cullen's tonight to discuss the process of my transformation and get some unbiased answers. I needed to be told straight out what would be a part of my life once it was complete. I knew Carlisle and Esme would be honest and not hold anything back from me. It would be the best idea. I made a mental note to call Jacob on my way to Edward's, giving him enough time to hopefully calm down and forgive me. If I knew anything at all, it was that I wouldn't be able to go through this transformation wrestling with Jacob's disappointment in me.

I grabbed my school bag and left my room, making my way down the stairs. I pushed on my shoes and walked into the kitchen to fill Charlie in on the day I had ahead of me. I brushed my hand through my hair, stopping at the sight in front of me, and I grinned. Charlie was fast asleep on his recliner with one slipper on and one fallen to the floor. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the wall with a smirk on my face. I sighed happily, but the pang of sadness and guilt that seared through my chest didn't go unnoticed. I felt horrible for having to leave Charlie to fend for himself. He couldn't even make himself a proper dinner if his life depended on it, and soon I would leave him to eat frozen dinners for the rest of his life. He was such a hard working man who did everything for me, and I was giving him nothing in return except loneliness. It hurt me knowing that I would have to lie to him, to betray him. I wiped the tears that fell from the corners of my eyes and walked towards him. I took the throw off the couch and tossed it over him, giving him a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you, dad. Though I don't say it enough, I do."

I walked back into the kitchen and grabbed a pen, a piece of paper, and jotted down where I was going to be and when he should expect me home. I finally got into my truck and gripped the steering wheel tightly, willing away the overflow of emotions threatening to wash me away. I let out a low breath and half-ass convinced myself that everything was going to be okay. I wanted immortality more than anything I had ever wanted in my entire life. I had to stop looking at everything so negatively. How could I convince Edward that this was the right thing, when I couldn't fully convince myself? I had to look at the brighter side of things. I had to believe I would eventually be able to see my family and friends again.

"You know, sometimes I wonder if Brontë actually knew what she was writing about. I guarantee you she was on something," Angela complained.

I smiled at her lack of perception sometimes. Though Angela was one of the most intellectual people I knew, she lacked it when she actually needed it. "Ang, _Wuthering Heights_ is one of the most romantic pieces of literature out there. No author can compare to the Brontë sisters."

Angela flapped her hands, mocking what I had just said. "Okay, genius, tell me what all this means then. I really want to get a good mark. If my grade gets any lower, I'm fucked for Harvard."

"Harvard?" I quizzed. I hadn't given much thought to my post-secondary education. I always thought I would end up at some university for journalism. Since moving to Forks, I figured it was a given I would go to UW, but now things had changed. Could I still go to school? Edward had told me it takes two years for me to develop self control, giving me no choice but to be reclusive. I closed my eyes tightly, driving away the pang of jealousy I had over Angela potentially attending Harvard.

"Bella? Are you all right?" Angela asked, concerned. She got up from her bed and kneeled down in front of me. "What's wrong, Bell? You can tell me."

I shook my head involuntarily and looked at her. "Uh, it's nothing. I just suddenly got a headache. So, Harvard, huh?" I turned away from her and began to look over my _Wuthering Heights _footnotes.

Angela lifted herself up from beside me and sighed, walking back to her bed. "Yeah, Harvard. I really want to get into pre-med. They don't just look at your grades; they look at your overall average. They even get references from your teachers and scan your extracurricular activities. I can't fuck this up."

"Yeah, no, I completely understand. So, where were we?" I said, not making eye contact with her, and started tapping away at my laptop.

Before I could say anything else, I was hit with the question I had prayed wouldn't come, causing the blood to drain from my face. "So, where are you going to apply, Bella? I can't believe we're graduating this year!"

I gave Angela a small smile and bit the inside of my cheek, stopping myself from blurting out what I really wanted to say. I couldn't say, "Well, I can't go to college because Edward and his family are vampires and they're changing me into one very soon. I have to wait two years before I can really roam around in public, because I'm at a high risk of killing and humans I might eat by sucking the blood from their bodies." So instead I said, "Well, I was thinking I could take a couple years off, you know, to save up money." I knew it was a valid and believable reason to Angela, but I also knew I didn't need to save up money. The Cullens had too much of it, and as much as I rejected their offers, they would be paying for my education regardless.

Angela looked up at me and quirked her eyebrow. "Really? I never pegged you for that type."

I scoffed. "Pegged me for_ that_ type? What the hell does that mean?" I shook my head in confusion. Since when did you have to be "that type" to do something smart as save money for school?

"Well, you just seemed eager for graduation. I mean, not like the Prom part, but just moving on from high school in general-"

"If I don't go to college, that doesn't mean I haven't moved on from high school, Angela." I was fighting back telling her my reason for holding off on college. I wanted to make her understand. I wanted to convince her that my choice wasn't because I didn't want to attend college.

"I know, Bella. You're not understanding what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm not saying what I'm trying to say properly?" she posed as a question.

It would shock me, too, if Angela came to me and said she wasn't going to school. It seemed out of place for her to make a decision like that. I sighed. "No, Angela, I'm sorry. I have so many decisions to make, you know? I'm just stressed out about a lot of things; I've got a lot to consider before I even _think_ about going to college."

"Do these things have to do with, I don't know, Edward?" Angela quirked her eyebrow expectantly as she tapped her pen on the papers.

"Uh, no, it doesn't. I just have to think about Charlie. He doesn't have the money to send me to college, and I don't want to have to rely on him for it. I don't think he'll be able to take care of himself properly. I also have to think about where I really want to go. I don't want to just make a rash decision, that's all. I want to make sure what I choose to do is what I really want, you know?" I knew I was running off anything I could think of to convince Angela. I wouldn't guess she thought something was up, but just to be cautious, I had to play it safe.

"I get it, Bella. It's perfectly fine to wait; I wasn't saying that it wasn't. I just thought…you know what? Never mind. I get why you're waiting." She closed her book and sat up quickly on her bed, smiling at me. I knew that look.

"I'm not going like this am I, Angela," I said, unimpressed.

"Well, erm, maybe it wouldn't be so bad." Angela wrung her hands together and gave me a small smile.

"What won't be so bad?" I crossed my arms over my chest in frustration. This wasn't the first time Angela planned something with me involved behind my back. She was more nervous than usual, which made me more nervous.

"I kind of told Mike that we would, you know, go to his party on Saturday." Angela quickly got off the bed and scurried towards me, stopping in front of the computer chair. "Wait! Before you freak out, everybody is going to be there. His parents are going to Seattle for the weekend, and you can invite anybody you want. Please, Bella. Please!"

"Not the fact that it's a party, it's Mike Newton's party. Why do you want to go so bad?"

"Because, Bella! Look, I have never done anything that would qualify as being a rebel."

"So, you want to be a rebel now? I see."

"Oh, give it a rest, Bella. You know what I mean. My nose has been in a book for the past four years, trying to maintain an average in school for something that I might not want to do in the future. I'm seventeen and just got my first boyfriend. I've never tried anything out of the ordinary. I'm graduating high school this year and I just want to experience things before it's too late. Not because it's Mike's party, Bella. You could loosen up a bit, too, you know."

"Loosen up a bit? Please…just to let you know, I tried pot a couple days ago," I gloated.

"You didn't. With who?" Angela questioned.

"Just with Jake and his friend Seth. It was all right, nothing special."

"See! Why do you get to have all the fun? Please, Bella, come to Mike's party. You could bring Jacob if you want."

"Really?" Bringing Jake to the party and having Angela there would make it seem more bearable. It would be one last time together with all my friends and give me one last chance to say goodbye. My heart sunk at the realization, but I knew I didn't really have any other choice unless I wanted to regret it for the rest of my life. I didn't have much time left and I wanted to make Angela happy. I wanted to hang out and see Jake, if he would allow it.

"You really want to go, huh?"

"Yes," she said sternly, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Well, then we'll go."

"Yes! Thanks, Bella!" Angela squealed, giving me huge hug.

A couple hours later, one weird drive back to the Cullen's with Alice, and an unanswered call to Jake, I was now sitting in a room full of vampires preparing what I was going to say. I took a look around the table and tried to read the energy coming off them. I looked to my right; sitting beside me was Edward, looking worried. Rosalie was next to him, avoiding eye contact with me while Emmett held her hand as he beamed a huge smile. I shook my head. Next, was Carlisle, smiling supportively, but with a hint of sympathy. He was sitting beside Esme, who was watching me adoringly, with so much love for her family, for me. Then, there was Jasper, with the usual pitch black eyes and the strained smile. He was very rigid while he clasped his hands tightly in his lap. Finally, there was Alice, who was looking around the table at everybody smiling as she bounced up and down, patiently waiting for me to start speaking.

"How are you, Bella?" Carlisle asked.

I brought my eyes to meet his, swallowing hard before I answered, "I'm doing fine." I nodded in agreement with what I had spoken and looked at Edward, who still had not made eye contact with me. I placed my hand on top of his, squeezing it gently. "I wanted to discuss things, with all of you, before we plan out what's going to happen."

"I think that's a wise decision, Bella," Carlisle responded back.

"We will answer any question you have, sweetie. Don't hold back because of who you might offend or make uncomfortable," Esme said, glancing over at Edward. "This is a very big and courageous step you are taking, Bella. You deserve to know everything there is to know about vampires and the life we lead. Okay?"

"Okay." I closed my eyes to collect my thoughts. I had prepared for this over the last couple of days and I didn't know why it became so hard to accomplish now that I was here, in front of everybody.

"Take your time, Bella. We have all the time in the world," Alice chimed, making the whole family chuckle.

"Thanks, Alice. I appreciate it." I smiled at her and she rubbed my shoulder.

"Before we all get into what Bella has to ask, do we get to ask questions as well?" Rosalie inquired.

I wasn't surprised that she wouldn't go without speaking during our discussion. I thought about biting back, but I bit my tongue instead. I wanted to stand up, slam my fists down on the table, and demand to know what the fuck her problem was. But instead, I sat there and replied nicely, "Of course you can, Rosalie. Any topic is open."

She never took her hard look off me. "Good." I felt the chills spread up my spine.

"So, Bella! What's up, homeslice?" Emmett laughed.

"Not too much, Emmett," I laughed back. "Leave it to you to break the ice, huh?"

"Of course, that's what big brothers are for, sis." He winked at me, knowing what his endearment would mean to me. Putting the loud scoff that came from Rosalie aside, my heart swelled at his conviction on me being a part of the Cullen family. I wanted to get this done and over with as soon as possible. I had to get things started.

I shook my head and became focused. "Okay, I want to get all these questions out of the way. Any of you can answer, if you disagree with an answer, add your opinion. Okay?"

"All right," they all said in unison.

"Why are vampires pale?" I started. I opened one eye to see their reaction and it was the same as before.

"Pretty much as the saying goes, "you are what you eat." If we ate sun-bathers, then I guess we'd be tanned," Emmett answered, causing laughter from the rest of the family. Edward turned and scowled at him, silencing the rest of us.

"Honestly, that is a very good answer, Emmett," Carlisle interjected. "It's a pretty good observation, but to me more realistic and blunt, our bodies are dead. We don't have blood running through our veins; we don't have any live organs." I nodded in response.

"Okay. Since we, well you guys, have so much spare time, what do you do? I mean, I will be awake and alive forever. Do you ever get bored?"

"Vampires possess what interests they had when they 'died'. So if a person was an ardent studier when they became a vampire, they would continue in that passion after they are dead. You could also eliminate boredom by picking up new hobbies or interests. That's why we all still go to school, even though we don't have to," Edward answered, mechanically. "See, Bella, you like writing. You love to take pictures; you love to care for people. You will love those things after your transformation and will likely aspire to them."

It hurt me to see the pained expression on Edward's face. I knew he was upset about this whole thing even though he had agreed to it. He was completely selfless, and I knew exactly what to do. I leaned over and placed my hand on the side of his face, forcing him to look at me. When his eyes met mine, pain took hold of my heart. "Really? That's interesting because I am absolutely in love with you, so does that mean I will continue on loving you when I become…a vampire?"

"You will lose some of your memory, Bella. That can't be for certain."

"Neither can my writing, or taking pictures, or helping people, then."

"I suppose."

I released my hand from Edward's face, knowing we would continue our conversation later. "Okay, next question."

"Go ahead, dear," Esme encouraged.

"What is the process of the transition? Like, what's it like to be a vampire physically?"

"I want to give my version to Bella!" Alice said. "When humans are changed into vampires it's like a disease going around their body. It causes their bodies to work differently than ours, only allowing certain parts to work. We sparkle in the sunlight, which you know. Our eyes change color when we feed because the blood rushes there. Then, our eyes change black when we are thirsty, I guess in a sense it would be to warn off other vampires and/or creatures. Unlike human teeth, which are slightly sharp, a vampire's are so sharp they can cut into more solid things. Vampires look pretty much the same as they did as humans, though there are slight differences. We have very fast reflexes and very forceful strength."

Alice rushed that out faster than I could register it. Once I let everything settle in, I felt widely informed. I wondered why Edward didn't just say that in the first place. It's easy and simple. "Wow, thanks, Alice."

"No problem!"

"Your answer was very well laid out, Alice. However, there are more things that have to be mentioned," Carlisle added. "Bella, I don't know if Edward went over some of the details with you, but your eyes will be red for the first two years after your transformation. Now, if you decided to feed off human blood, your eyes will stay red." Edward hissed and dug his fingers into the table, causing shreds of wood to surround his fingers. I grasped his hand tighter and rubbed my thumb over his knuckles. "Edward, calm down. Bella has the right to live the way she feels comfortable."

"Edward, my love, this is one of my favorite pieces of furniture. Please refrain from digging your fingers in it," Esme asked, with a pained looked on her face.

"She doesn't need to feed off humans, Carlisle," Edward seethed, ignoring Esme. "Why would you suggest that to her?" Edward seethed.

"It is natural for a vampire to feed of humans, Edward. It is our nature. We choose to feed of animals because we want good to come from us. We chose this lifestyle because we feel that's what's morally and ethically correct to us. I am just letting it be known, however, that we will only agree to change you, Bella, if you commit to our lifestyle."

"Carlisle, I don't want to feed off humans. I won't. I can't," I interrupted.

"Very well, then. There is something I do have to explain, though. Human blood is more satisfying, but brings with it a tremendous amount of guilt, and I don't want you to have to carry that baggage around. It is also extremely difficult to live the vegetarian lifestyle, and you will have trouble maintaining it. While you are a newborn it will be hard for you to see humans as something other than the fix to your addiction; your food. You understand that?"

"I do understand that. I understand that it will be difficult, that's why I would like to live in a secluded area for a bit, so I can get used to the right lifestyle and gradually introduce myself to society again."

"You have a smart mind, Bella. I have confidence that you will fight your bloodlust. It is very important to this family that we raise you correctly, and with a good conscience," Carlisle responded, smiling.

"Thank you. It's very important to me as well. Seeing the way all of you live your lives they way you have, makes me proud to become a vampire. I wouldn't want to be changed if I was going around killing people, being completely animalistic. I appreciate your understanding in all of this. All right, my next question. How often will I need to feed?"

"This is a difficult question to answer, as vampires have a constant hunger and often feed far more than what they need to. Some vampires become gluttons, but such monsters are usually destroyed quickly as they draw attention to themselves, and are awkward to say the least. Vampires or covens who are trying to maintain a lifestyle in society are often restraining themselves. We all do it; we all have to restrain ourselves. We're doing it right now," Rosalie answered, snottily. "Starvation will degrade a vampire's physique. It causes dark circles under the eyes, black, seemingly pupil-less eyes, and slow responses. But don't restrain them to much, or they will revolt and desert you."

"Rosalie, that is enough!" Esme demanded, and then looked at me. "Sweetie, don't take what Rosalie said personally."

"Why not, Esme? I mean, you can't honestly tell me that Edward would stay with Bella until the day she dies without having a taste of her blood. I guarantee the only reason he agreed to do this was so he could finally get a taste of her blood…" Before Rosalie could finish her sentence, the dining room table was flipped over, and Rosalie was pinned up against the wall. I stood up and covered my mouth in horror.

"I. Am. So. Sick. Of. You," Edward snarled to Rosalie.

"Edward! Please, let go of her," Esme cried.

I felt somebody grasp my forearm tightly, and I looked over to see Alice standing next to me. Jasper was huddled in the corner, trying his best to manipulate everybody's emotions. Emmett ran up behind Edward, trying to pry him off of Rosalie and calm him down. Carlisle whispered something in Edward's ear which I assumed was reassurance, reminding him of who he was.

I walked up to Edward and placed my hand on his shoulder. "Edward, I love you." His teeth were still pulled back, his lips moist with venom. I had to try harder. "Edward, could you please let go of Rosalie? This isn't the way to handle the situation." I waited for Edward to push himself off of Rosalie, but he didn't. "Edward, be the better person. Show me you're not like all the other vile vampires out there. You are better than that, than them. Please. This is your family, don't do this."

I stumbled back a bit when Edward finally pushed himself off or Rosalie, spitting the pooled venom within his mouth on her Prada stilettos. Rosalie rubbed her hands over her neck where Edward had grasped. "You are one stuck up bitch, Rosalie. I am so sick of you treating everybody around here like we disgust you. You can't stand the fact that I have found somebody who makes me happy, and that I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with. Face the fact that not everybody needs money and clothes to be happy, _Rose. _You're cold hearted.

"SO ARE YOU!"

"No, Rosalie, I'm not. Just because you're miserable with your existence doesn't mean you have the right to make it like that for the rest of us. If this is what Bella wants then she will have it. Just because your desires might differ from hers doesn't make it wrong!"

"I never wanted this, Edward! I never wanted to be a vampire!"

"Then fucking _do_ something about it. Eliminate yourself!" Edward screamed as he walked out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

The family stood around the flipped over table in shock from Edward's suggestion. I couldn't believe he told Rosalie to consider killing herself. As much as I hated Rosalie, she didn't deserve what she had gotten from Edward. "Rosalie, are you okay?"

"You! You leave me alone! I never want to see your face again! You've made this whole family blow up, you know that? Because of you, we have to watch our every move. Because of you, we have to worry about the implications if we don't. You have disrupted our lives, and for what? You have no idea the mistake you're making. You have taken your humanity for granted, and I hope you regret the decision you have made." Rosalie sneered. "C'mon, Emmett, let's get out of here.

"Rosalie, don't walk out, please," Esme pleaded. "We need to figure this all out. Walking out isn't the way."

"No, it's not. It's Edward's way."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

Rosalie ignored my question and jumped out of the window with Emmett. Esme looked over at Carlisle. "Carlisle, you can't just let her walk away from this family! How could you!"

"Dear, I am not letting her walk away from this family, and she isn't. She needs time to cool down. She has always taken her transformation really hard, which is why she is having trouble adjusting to Bella's approval of it."

"What does that mean? Actually, you know what; I'll talk to Rosalie myself. I think if we had some time alone together this could all get sorted out. Right now, things need to be figured out and they can't be held off for much longer. Alice and Jasper, do you approve of me becoming a vampire?"

"Of course we do!" Alice chimed, Jasper nodding in agreement. "I have to admit, I was angry at first when I found out, but that's because I thought you weren't going to think it through and demand it being done right away. I agree with not wanting to hold off the questions, so why don't we just continue and we can fill Edward in later. He's too upset and he needs to calm down before we go hunt for him."

"I agree," Carlisle said. "Bella, let's move into the living room and we will continue our discussion. We don't have to suffer because of the hostility some of our family members hold."

I swallowed hard. "Okay, let's get this over with." I knew the right thing to do was to finish getting the inquiries about my transformation answered once and for all. But I couldn't shake the sinking feeling of my heart, knowing Edward was out there somewhere angry, hurt, and alone.

Once we were all seated in the living room, I tried my best to focus on the situation at hand. I had to focus on what I could control, rather than what I couldn't. "I know this doesn't really have anything to do with me being a vampire, but why do vampires drink blood?"

Carlisle chuckled lightly before responding, "That's actually a very good question. Vampires need to steal life-energy, and blood happens to be the easiest, primary source for us. If we knew a better way, we would be happy to forgo the sticky blood part."

I nodded in response, and Esme patted my knee, smiling encouragingly. "Ask us more questions, Bella. You must be so curious."

"I am. Um…since I'll be following, you know, the vegetarian diet, how would I catch my prey?"

"By any effective means. We can be quite imaginative in our ploys. However, both the thirst for blood and the ability to hunt are natural instincts when the vampire awakens from their transformation. We all have a different way of approaching and capturing our prey, but it's more like training, Bella. It's more hands on, we would need to show you rather than tell you," Carlisle clarified.

"Right. Okay. When would we hunt?"

"Mainly at night. This way it eliminates a lot of causes to the explosion of our existence, as well we can go un-noticed."

"I think I have had a lot of my questions answered for tonight. I'm more aware now, but I do have a couple more questions." I felt Alice squeeze my hand forcefully, knowing what was to come. "Can I still talk to Charlie, Renee, and Jacob?"

"You can speak with them, yes, but to see them, no. Now, let me explain. Your physical features will be very different, Bella. You may see them after the two year period of your newborn stages, but prior to that, I think it would be best if we avoided that route. I know you think that because it's Charlie you won't hurt him, but your main focus is your thirst. It rules out all of your rational thinking. It is very hard to handle the burn of bloodlust, making it hard to not be tempted by the smell of blood, even those of your closest loved ones. Take Edward for example. He fights with his bloodlust in front of you every day. He's not snapping at you or rejecting you because he wants to, Bella." I nodded in response.

I was becoming more depressed by the minute. It was confirmed that I wouldn't be able to see my family for two years. Statistically that wasn't a long time, but it was when you had to make excuses for your absence at family holidays, or why I haven't gone to school. I needed to figure something out. "Well, what if I can handle my bloodlust better than expected? Would I be able to see them before the two years is up?"

"Well, it is very highly unlikely that would be the case, however, if you are managing your bloodlust without so much difficulty, I'm sure we could figure something out. Just know that you saying you can handle it doesn't make me feel the same way. I have to be one hundred percent sure myself that you will be able to restrain yourself. If I have the slightest doubt that you wouldn't be able to, I will not approve. I'm not saying this to be unfair, Bella; I'm doing it for your safety as well of the safety of your loved ones. Please understand that."

"I do, Carlisle. I understand."

"Very well."

"When can we do my transition?"

"Ultimately the decision is up to you, but we have to make sure it is the right decision. That we have a plan we can all agree on to make this as easy as possible for you."

"I want to do it soon, Carlisle. I want to do it on my birthday."

"Your birthday? Bella, you realize this is two days away?"

"I do realize that, but I am willing to give a story to Charlie. I've actually made one up. I..I-"

"Bella, in all honesty, the story you're going to tell Charlie is the least of our concerns. What about your education? Leaving at the beginning of your graduating year? Maybe it would be best if we waited until after graduat-"

"No! I could do correspondence. I mean, I would have all the time in the world, right?"

"Dad, she does a have point," Alice interjected.

"Yes, I understand that, but what will the school think when they see that Bella Swan and the Cullens up and left Forks? What then? You can't just think of something semi-convincing to tell them."

"Why not? I don't think it's really any of their business. I mean, if I tell Charlie I'm moving away with you guys, and the school knows the same story, what is the harm?"

"The harm? The harm is the fact that if you get your way with this plan, you are going home to tell your father that in two days you won't be seeing him for two years. On top of that, you are going to tell him you're disappearing with the Cullens, which doesn't leave us in a good spot with him, making us explain our motives to him. Ask us why we have allowed you to come with us."

I knew what Carlisle had said was true, it made sense. But my idea also made sense, I could work with Charlie, make him agree. I knew under the tough love Charlie gave, he was also very level-headed and supportive. "Please just let me talk to him. Let me talk to Charlie, I know he would understand."

Carlisle sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Esme got up and moved to the other seat available beside me on the couch. "Sweetie, we understand you want this to be accomplished as soon as possible. I understand that you are well informed now and you have a smart head on your shoulders. I also understand your reasons and why this should be done your way."

It took me a moment to register what Esme had said, and when it did, I was speechless. "Y-You mean we can do this?"

"Esme," Carlisle interrupted.

"Shh, Carlisle. You have to admit, she has a good idea. You could tell the hospital that you got a job offer somewhere. Then, we can tell the school that we are moving, and Charlie could tell the school that Bella is moving along with us. It doesn't seem strange. The whole school already knows Bella and Edward are dating. How bad could it be?"

"It's true, dad. I think her idea is pretty smart," Alice agreed.

"What Bella wants is in two days. That doesn't give us a lot of time to prepare. Charlie and the school will have a lot of questions and wonder why we waited until the last minute to tell them."

"Then I guess we should get started now," Esme suggested.

Even though I was happy with the way things went this evening, I couldn't help but think that things were going to get worse before they got any better. Even I wasn't that naïve.


	9. Woods

**Author Notes: It's very surprising that I don't have any reviews. Over at Twilighted (my home away from home) I have 76 reviews. They are kicking your ass folks! Lets see if we can catch up. I would love to know what you think I've my story so far. **

**Thanks to my beauiful betas for editing this chapter for me. Without them, this wouldn't make sense.**

**I don't own Twilight. I disclaim.  
**

**BPOV**

Everything was said and done – finally. I had time to relocate my mind and calm my nerves down. My next task: find Edward. He had left, but never returned after his attack on Rosalie. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and remained focused. Many gates of my curiosity were now open, and I had to find a way to make things right between everyone. I didn't want to be changed to live forever with Edward, but have Rosalie hate me for the rest of my, well, forever.

Something deep inside of her was wounded and it wasn't close to scratching the surface. I had to dig deeper to really find out who she really was. It was a known fact that people disagreed, but Rosalie was angry, upset even, that I was becoming a vampire. She knew more than me what it was like to live as one, so I couldn't be quick to dismiss her judgments about it. I never knew her story – I never asked. I would make it my first priority once I finally spoke to Edward. I had made this choice in hopes to make everything easier on all of us. The thing was it definitely didn't make life easier for me, if anything, things were worse. Every time one issue was in the clear, another one erupted. I had to fix what I could, I had to do things for myself, even though there we differing opinions.

"Bella, please let me come with you. It's not safe out there," Alice suggested, stepping on the porch with me.

"It's not necessary, Alice. I know Edward is out there close by. I know you see him and he would never let anything happen to me. I'm sure he's waiting," I insisted, walking down the steps onto the driveway. I turned back to face her. The look on Alice's face was one of worry. "I'm serious, Alice. I'll be fine."

"Fine," she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and turning around.

"Alice?"

"Yes?" she said, glancing over her shoulder.

"I know you wouldn't let me go if you thought I was in serious danger. You already know what's going to happen." Her eyebrows furrowed slightly and her eyes went blank. She was gone. "Alice?" I walked back up the steps and stood in front of her. "Alice, look at me."

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Uh, what? Sorry." A pause. "I was just thinking."

"Alice, I have known you for far too long, and from a recent situation, you should know by now you can't lie to me."

"I know. I just think you should stay here. At least wait until Edward comes home. Please, Bella," she said, frantically. "You don't understand. Edward's not thinking clearly. Please. Listen to me just this once." Her eyes were laced with fear. If she could cry, I knew she would have.

"Alice, what the hell is going on?" Apprehension started to stir within me. I knew Alice hadn't seen something good, and her not telling me about it only made me feel worse. "I need to see Edward."

I rushed down the steps and jogged up to the forest line. I could have sworn I heard Alice say, "I'll miss you," but that just didn't make sense. I stopped myself from walking and took in a huge breath. The night air was heavy and damp. Everything was eerily quiet, and all I could hear were the crickets chirping. I suddenly got the chills, and it wasn't because I was cold. I brushed my hand through my hair and walked slowly through the forest. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, by going in the forest alone, but I needed to see Edward – to talk to him. I felt the ground with my shoe before I took one step, making sure my clumsiness didn't rear its ugly head.

After about a good fifteen minute walk through the forest with the moons luminance, my only source of light, something told me to stop in my tracks. It wasn't a voice that stopped me, but my instinct. I knew Edward was close. I could feel the energy – the electric current pulsed through my veins. "Edward?" I whispered.

I heard movement in the trees and I looked up, but saw nothing. I brought my glance down and squinted, trying to catch any movement within the forest. Before I took another step, a voice stopped me.

"Stop."

I felt something grab my shoulder and I jolted back. "Edward," I said, out of breath from fear. "You scared me."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. You shouldn't be here, Bella. It's not safe."

I huffed. "Edward, you knew I was coming here, don't play the 'it's not safe' card." I placed my hand on his face and leaned my forehead against his chest. "Are you okay?" I questioned him.

"I've been better," he said, dejectedly.

I grabbed his hand and we started to walk towards the forest exit. "What happened? Why did you attack Rosalie, Edward?"

I felt his body stiffen beneath my hand, but I continued walking. Something about being in the dark forest began to freak me out. It felt like something, or someone, was watching us. I heard a branch snap, and I immediately looked back over my shoulder. I heard Edward growl and before I knew it the trees that lined the forest were a complete blur. Suddenly, I was standing in front of my truck on the Cullen's driveway. "What the hell was that?"

"Get in the truck, Bella," he demanded, opening the passenger's door for me.

I knew better than to not comply, so I got into my truck and buckled up. Edward got into the driver's side and quickly started the engine. "Are you going to tell me why you growled and ran me out of the forest? Or is this just another thing I have to act obliviously towards?" I asked, a note of frustration present in my voice.

"I smelled something that I didn't recognize, Bella. It was just better if we got out of there."

By the silence after his statement, I knew he wasn't going to elaborate, so I probed him in hopes to get answers. "What do you think it was? An animal?"

"I don't know. I'll have to speak to Carlisle about it, but for now let's just drop it." I looked at the side of Edward's face and studied his worry lines. I knew he wasn't telling me the truth. He was hiding something from me, and I hated when he did that. Here I was living the last moments of my human life, and he still couldn't tell me the truth.

"Fine. Did you want to stay over for a bit? I need to speak with you." I stared out the windshield and felt his burning gaze on the side of my face. I knew he could sense that I was nervous and edgy.

"Yes, I'll stay."

I relaxed slightly when he agreed, and I was able to focus on what we needed to discuss. In two days it was my birthday – the day of my transformation, and the one person who meant the most to me, didn't know. Everybody seemed to agree, but to convince Edward to do the same was going to be like pulling teeth. I needed to word myself properly and stay calm. I didn't need him flipping out.

"Your father's asleep," he said, pulling up into my driveway and getting out of the truck.

I rolled my eyes at his coldness, and tried not to take it personally. He came around to my side and opened the door for me. "Thanks. Meet me in my room in five?"

"Sure." He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes at the touch. My Edward.

Sure enough, five minutes later, Edward made his way through my window. I walked over to my bed and patted the space beside me, inviting him to sit down. Once he did, I grabbed his hand and caressed his knuckles. I watched him close his eyes and furrow his brow. "Tell me, Edward. What happened with Rosalie."

"She's against us and she always will be, Bella," he answered, opening his eyes and meeting mine.

"Why was she changed? Why is she so against the transformation?" I continued on, hoping to get some answers.

Edward shook is head in disbelief and snorted. "She's a crazy bitch."

"Edward! Don't say that. You felt the same way about my transformation."

"I know that, but if roles were reversed, I wouldn't make her loved one feel as though he wasn't wanted."

I nodded my head in understanding. "Why was she changed?"

"She was raped and left to die," he said coldly, and I winced. "She had a fiancé who thought it would be fun to drink one night and share her with his friends."

I swallowed hard and felt remorse for Rosalie. She had been through more than I thought. "Wow," I responded, shocked. "How did Carlisle find her? Carlisle changed her, right?" I didn't want to push Edward too far, so I didn't say anything else until he responded to my questions.

Edward took his hand from mine and stood up. "Yes, Carlisle changed her. She was very badly beaten, and so he…_saved_ her." I could tell by how he had said "saved" that he had a hard time looking at it that way, but I felt proud of him.

"He did save her," I agreed. He shot a look at me and shook his head. "What?"

"Nothing," he responded, sitting back down on the bed, further away from me.

"No, tell me," I urged him.

"She doesn't look at it that way. She feels as though Carlisle condemned her to hell. She feels like our whole existence is to haunt her with what she never got to have."

In some strange way I understood Rosalie's take on her existence, but it didn't come close to making me change my mind. I felt my curiosity peak. "Is that what you think? That you're condemning me to hell, and that I will resent you one day for taking away my humanity?" Edward looked over at me and his eyes were full of despair. "Oh, Edward," I said, my voice quavering. "I would never resent you, or regret my choice. You have to trust me on that. I want this more than you'll ever know and I have thought a lot about this decision. We can still do a lot of things that humans do. We will just have to do it differently." I placed my hand on the side of his face and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Edward."

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead on his temple while I continued to stroke his cheek. "I love you more, Bella."

"Not possible," I responded. I hated to break our embrace, but more needed to be said. I was running out of time. "As you probably already know, we continued the rest of our discussion once you left." I swallowed hard in anticipation of his answer.

"I figured you did." He brushed his hand through his hair and then rested his elbows on his knees. "What's the verdict?"

I found myself confused. Usually Edward would have avoided an answer, but he was going with the flow. I was more nervous and apprehensive about his reaction than I have ever been. "I've decided, well we all decided, to go through with the transformation on my…" I trailed off.

"On your…?" he questioned, glancing over and quirking his eyebrow.

This was it. "On my…birthday." I closed my eyes in preparation, but he didn't say anything. I opened my eyes to see he was staring intently at me. He looked as though he was conflicted with his thoughts. "Edward?"

He stood up and paced the room. "Your birthday? Don't you think that's a bit too soon, Bella? I can't-"

"Don't." I interrupted him. I couldn't hear another "can't" escape from his mouth. I couldn't be tossed around his uncertainty any longer. I couldn't walk on eggshells or tweak my opinion anymore. "This is my transformation. I have made the choice by myself and how I will go about it, and when, is my decision. I want to do this on my birthday for more reasons than one. First, I don't want to wait any longer – there is no need. Second, I don't want to be older than you, but being that we are doing this on my eighteenth birthday, I have no choice. Third, I'll do this the way I want, and you nor your family, will alter or try and change my decision.

"I have tried to reason with you and it doesn't work. No matter how many times you tell me you think I'm making the wrong choice, or the regret I'll hold, I won't give into you. Yeah, maybe in ten years I'll regret this, but who is to blame? Definitely not you, Edward. I would blame myself because it was _my_ choice. Just let me handle this." I let out a low breath and wrung my hands together. This would be one of the times where I felt slightly liberated for standing up for myself, but shitty for doing it to the person I loved. I couldn't decipher what he was feeling or thinking. I bit my bottom lip before I spoke again. "Sorry."

Edward shook his head and chuckled humorlessly. "You have one strong backbone, Bella. I have to admire that. You seem to be very strong on your decision, and I won't try to change it again."

"Thank you," I replied, skeptically. There was something off about his sudden shift in mood.

"I assume Carlisle went over everything with you?" I nodded in response. I couldn't wrap my head around why he was taking this so well. He was calm and collected. The pit of my stomach turned and my head spun with confusion. I couldn't understand why he was wasn't fighting me more on the subject.

"He went through everything with me. Though when the time comes I'll have to discuss the basics…"

"What is it you're going to tell Charlie?"

"I was thinking of telling him-" I was cut off by a sardonic laugh escaping Edward's mouth, and I scoffed. "What? Is there something wrong with that plan?" I deadpanned.

"Bella, think about what you're saying. You think you can just walk into the kitchen and tell Charlie you're leaving his life for good in two days?"

I didn't take well to Edward's tone, but I couldn't blame him for his opinion. Carlisle had the same reaction. I thought hard about how to tell Charlie I was leaving. Speaking with him seemed to be the best way – it was the right way. Leaving without telling him would devastate him more than anything, and I couldn't do that to him. Even thinking about that option made guilt wash over me. I needed to be honest with him – he deserved that. He had done so much for me already. For me to just up and disappear from his life was out of the question.

"I have to tell him, Edward."

"I know, Bella. Let me be with you when you do. This will be hard on you," he suggested.

"No! I have to do this by myself. You think he'll want to see _you _when I tell him about this?"

I knew this was going to be hard on Charlie, but ultimately, he couldn't do anything about it. I was going to be eighteen. He couldn't lock me in this house and refuse to let me leave. I knew he would have a problem with me leaving at the beginning of the school year, but that was the least of my concerns. I had confidence that I would go in there and sternly tell him that I was moving with the Cullen family and that there was nothing he could do about it.

"Bella, maybe-"

Finally my emotions made their way to the surface, and I started to sob. "Oh, Edward, I'm so scared."

Edward rushed towards me, pulling me into his arms. "Shh, Bella. Everything will be okay."

"Stay with me for the night, Edward. Please," I cried.

"Of course, my love."

Thinking back to what Carlisle had said made me insecure and uncertain that my plan to tell Charlie would work. It was going to be a complete fail. Who was I to think that I could just march in the kitchen and tell my chief-of-police father that I'm moving away? It just couldn't happen like that. I wanted two different things that were on two different extremes, making me choose one or the other. And my choice was made the day I found out Edward was a vampire.

–

I woke up and felt for Edward beside me, but he was gone, and I instantly felt his loss. I couldn't help but smile, though, when I remembered I would be with him for eternity. I took in a deep breath and stretched when I heard a knock on my door. I had too much planning to do today, so I decided with Edward last night before I fell asleep that I would deal Charlie the sick card.

"Yeah," I croaked.

"Better get up or you're going to be late, kid," Charlie advised.

"I'm just not, um, feeling good," I told Charlie, rolling over in bed to face him.

"Uh huh. You're sure you're not trying to trick your old man?" he questioned.

"Ch- Dad, don't you think I would try and trick you tomorrow? On my birthday? I think that would make more sense don't you think?" I brought myself up to lean on my elbows. I felt my chest constrict. Charlie looked so content; he didn't think his world as he knew it was going to end.

He cleared his throat and eyed me skeptically. "Well, all right. Call me at the station if you need anything, and...yeah," he mumbled.

"Be careful, Dad," I called out to him before he shut my bedroom door.

"Always am," he replied, and clicked the door closed.

I released myself off my elbows and fell back onto my bed. Everything was hitting me head on and full force. I had one more day left as a human…that was fucked up.

There were so many things I needed to do in order for me get ready for the end, but yet beginning, of my new life. I needed to say goodbye to my friends. My Dad. Then, there was Renee. I knew if I told her over the phone, she would freak out and be on the next plane to Forks, trying to change my mind. I decided I would write her a letter, explaining my decision with a promise to call and e-mail.

And that's when Carlisle's opinion from last night came to mind.

_"Yes, I understand that, but what will the school think when they see that Bella Swan and the Cullens up and left Forks? What then? You can't just think of something semi-convincing to tell them."_

_"Why not? I don't think it's really any of their business. I mean, if I tell Charlie I'm moving away with you guys, and the school knows the same story, what is the harm?"_

_"The harm? The harm is the fact that if you get your way with this plan, you are going home to tell your father that in two days you won't be seeing him for two years. On top of that, you are going to tell him you're disappearing with the Cullens, which doesn't leave us in a good spot with him, making us explain our motives to him. Ask us why we have allowed you to come with us."_

That was it. I would write Charlie a letter. This simplified everything. It would give him time to calm down, and for me to get away fast enough before he could stop me. I still felt uneasy going through with this plan, but the situation left me no choice. Edward was right when he said Charlie would give me a hard time. I loved Charlie to death, but it made sense to do it this way. It would be better for both of us, and I could easily call him after a few days – to make sure he was okay. I just hoped he could find it in him to forgive me.

I sighed in relief as the weight of confronting Charlie rose from my shoulders. It may have seemed selfish on my part, but ultimately it was the best choice I had made since deciding to become a vampire. I had today and tomorrow to write both letters to my parents, and there was still so much I had to do.

My main focus now was Jacob. He still hadn't called me back or answered any of my texts.

There was only one more option, and that was heading down to La Push to see him.

After I jumped in the shower and got ready, I was on my way down to La Push. Though Edward wouldn't be pleased, I needed to do this for me. I needed to do it for Jacob. He was my best friend, and even though I wouldn't see him for the longest time, I couldn't let things continue the way they were. I was a fool and I needed to fix it.

I pulled up into Jacob's makeshift driveway, which was made of dirt and gravel, and parked. I got out of the truck and heard banging coming from the shed at the side of the house. He must have been in there working on his Rabbit. He loved to build cars and it was nice to see him keeping at it. I crossed my arms over my chest to give myself some sort of security, or reassurance, I wasn't sure, but it helped me feel protected.

Even as I was walking slowly, I still managed to slip on some mud, causing me to fall back on to my ass. "Shit!" I moaned. The noise in the shed suddenly stopped and Jacob appeared in front of me, rolling his eyes before lending out his hand to help me up.

I grabbed his hand and he hoisted me upright. Jacob tossed me a piece of ripped up towel to wipe my hands on. "Thanks," I mumbled. I could tell Jacob was still very displeased with me.

"Sure. What are you doing here?" he asked, with a disappointed tone. He turned away from me and walked back into the shed, and I followed suit.

"I came to see you." I didn't know what else to say. His coldness towards me had me speechless. I had so many thoughts registering through my mind, trying to pick the best way approach. Jacob was still very angry, and I had a hard time wondering why he was taking this so hard. I wasn't sure if he was just angry, or uninterested in being my friend. I tried multiple times to speak, but my voice betrayed me. I had a feeling that no matter what I said to Jacob, he would reject it anyway. I had never felt this way around Jacob, and it unnerved me.

"Well you saw me, so you can leave," he spat, avoiding eye contact with me and stared at the engine of his Rabbit like his life depended on it.

"Look, Jake, I'm sorry." I walked closer to him and he threw his wrench across the shed. The loud clatter it made caused made me jump back and wince. I stared at his figure worriedly. I knew at that point I needed to work hard for Jacob's forgiveness. I was about to prove myself to earn Jacob's forgiveness, but Jacob's hard words stopped me.

"You're sorry?" I was shocked to see Jacob so cold, so aggressive. My eyes grew wide. "And what exactly are you sorry for, Bella?" He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the side of the car. He was too mad. It didn't make sense. He was furious. Why?

I kept my eyes locked on his, making the apprehension I felt grow heavy. His cold stare made me feel so small. I felt my body prickle with fear. I felt my hands go cold and clammy. I felt the hairs on my skin stand up. I swallowed hard, noticing that my mouth was extremely dry. After recognizing what I felt, I knew for the first time in my life, I was terrified of Jacob Black. "I-I'm sorry for lying. I had a lot to deal with. I-I couldn't avoid it any longer," I stuttered out.

"What couldn't you avoid?" he questioned, harshly. I didn't know how to answer him without giving him the truth. I tried my best to come up with some sort of explanation and he shrugged, looking at me expectantly. "Well? I'm waiting."

"Edward and I…"

"Stop," he demanded, and shook his head.

"Jake, what the hell is your problem?" Suddenly my fear of him subsided and turned to frustration. He was completely out of line.

"Everything that happens to you, it has to do with Edward. I told you to stay away from him, but you never fucking listen. There is something seriously wrong with you."

I was taken aback by what he said, and I knew I was hurt. Out of everyone he had no right to tell me how to live my life, or say there was something wrong with me. Never in my life did I think he would stoop to a level that he had. Also, never would I have thought that day would come, but it had. I felt empty in knowing what I had to do

"That is where I draw the line, Jacob," I told him.

"Where you draw the line? Bella, you lied to me. I know it wasn't a huge lie, and it's a pretty cheap thing to be upset about, but I'm tired of being rejected and ignored because of that guy. You have known me your whole life, yet for a guy you've met only seven months ago, you drop me whenever he comes. All I asked was that you attend a B.B.Q. with my family. That's all."

I understood it wasn't the reason behind my lie. It was the principal. I broke his trust. I broke his confidence in me and that hurt me more than anything. I was happy with Jake. I was happy in knowing that we were strong. Now all I felt was alone and scared. I felt unworthy. "I'm sorry, Jake. I came here to get you to forgive me and for you to see that I really was sorry, but I see that won't be happening."

"I've already forgiven you, Bella," he said, strongly, but I could see sadness within his eyes. "You're my best friend, and until you can give me the same thing, you should just stick to your turf."

"My turf? What the hell was that suppose to mean?"

"Just stick to where the Cullen's belong."

"Jac-"

"Just go, Bella. When you can give me, your best friend apparently, the time of day like you do Edward, then come back. Until then, just go."

I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. I wondered where was the Jacob I used to make mud pies with. The Jacob I just smoked pot with a few days ago. I stood a few feet away from my best friend, but I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I failed him. I broke us.

Before I knew it something in me snapped. I felt my bloods start to boil. "You know what, Jacob, for somebody who has known me my whole life, you should understand. People grow up and fall in love. It doesn't matter how long I've known Edward, it's how strong of a connection I feel towards him. I love him, Jacob, and if you were my best friend, you would accept that. You would be supportive of my decisions and choices. You would be there for me. I don't care how much you may dislike Edward, I don't. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Eternity, even."

With the words that came out of my mouth, I saw Jacob's eyes grow wide and wary. Like he knew what I was trying to get across. In a sense, I was happy to at least get the word eternity in my rant, and hoped that he would come to some conclusion that I was going to be with Edward forever. Whatever way he took it, I hoped he knew I still cared for him deeply, regardless. I turned away from him, unable to take the silence any longer. As I walked back to my truck he spoke.

"Eternity?" he seethed.

I looked back at him and his hands were balled into fists. I could tell his breathing was rapid, because his chest was heaving up and down at a fast pace. I have never seen this side of Jacob and I didn't want to know him. I took one last look at him before I got into the car without a response. I slammed the door shut and pulled out. I could have sworn I heard him call out that the Cullen's were bloodsuckers, but that couldn't be possible. Jacob couldn't know who they really were. I shook my head and kept on driving ahead. I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't comprehend what the hell just transpired a few moments ago. I couldn't figure out exactly why Jacob was so mad. Why he showed such hatred towards me. I knew what I had done was wrong, but our interaction moments ago went beyond rational. There was something deeper going on with Jacob. I had a hard time thinking that I was the cause to his anger, his temper. I wiped the tears from my eyes as I went back home to write my goodbye letters.

_Goodbye, Jacob. I love you and I'll miss you,_ I thought to myself. I only prayed he knew it. I only prayed he knew how much he meant to me. How much losing him gutted me. I had a very hard time keeping my emotions in check while driving home. I had to pull over to the side of the road and sobbed into my hands.

I was sitting in the middle of my bed, staring at everything that made me who I was. I closed my eyes and let the silence of my surroundings take me away and indulge in memories. I was silently saying goodbye.

I got up and walked over to my desk, slowly sitting down and taking a deep breath. I picked up my pen and starting writing.

_Dad,_

_I know when you read this you'll be hurt and furious…_


	10. Help, I'm Alive!

_I see him, but he sees past me. I look in his eyes, but he looks around me. Does he know what I see when he stares through me? I see him and I can't help watching him not watching me.—Unknown. _

**BPOV**

I had finished writing my letters to Charlie, Renee, and now Jacob. I couldn't go on with my life knowing that he was still mad with me. The letter expressed everything I had to say and what he needed to know as far as where I would be. Hopefully without me revealing too much, he would figure it out. I had a suspicion he knew more than he led on, so I kept my fingers crossed that he would be able to understand my choices.

Today was the day of my transformation. I couldn't tell how I really felt about it, but I knew I wanted it. I was nervous, scared, happy, in love, and torn, all at the same time. I was relieved to find out that Charlie had to go to Seattle for the weekend and work on a case, so I had more time to prepare. I had given him a hug this morning, which was unusual, and he gave me a look of confusion back. I told him that I wanted him to be safe, and that he never knew what could happen. He just nodded and mumbled back his reply and left. I cried once I shut the door knowing that it was our final good-bye; that he would no longer see his daughter. The only thing that held me together was the fact that I might see him in two years time, even though I was afraid that he might not want to.

I was walking to the mailbox down the street to mail off my letter to Renee when my phone buzzed.

"Hello?" I asked, sliding my letter in the slot.

"Happy birthday, Bella!" Alice chimed. "How are you holding up? You look pretty sad."

I chuckled at her comment. Alice knew everything…obviously. "Ugh, Alice, I told you not to mention my birthday, so please don't. I don't need a reminder that I'm technically older than my one-hundred and seven year old boyfriend. To answer your second question, I am pretty sad – I'm leaving my family and friends behind…"

I heard her sigh into the receiver. "Being _technically_ not a day over Edward isn't that bad. You're overreacting, Bella, stop being so grouchy. I understand that you're pretty sad, but you know we are behind any decision you make. If you wanted to wait…"

"No!" I said loudly, making a couple walking their dog look over. "No, I want this. I want to be changed…it's just a lot to take in."

"I know it is, but the way I see it now, if things go as planned, everything will be okay. I promise."

"What do you mean if things go as planned? Do you think something will go wrong?" I suddenly became very nervous. Alice's tone was indecisive.

"Uh, yeah, Bella, I see you as a vampire. Don't be silly!"

I relaxed slightly and let out a low breath. "Okay…"

"Stop worrying so much. I can see things. Trust me!" she laughed.

"I trust you, Alice. I know you wouldn't lie to me. But, uh, I have to get going. I have a few things to do before I come over."

"This is so exciting, Bella! So wonderful," Alice squealed.

I shook my head at her excitement and smiled. "Bye, Alice. See you soon."

"See ya!"

It had been a few hours since I had spoken with Alice. It was 7PM and I was packing the rest of my belongings. I wiped the rest of my tears away from my eyes, feeling tortured with panic and happiness. A twisted mix for sure, but soon it was going to be over. Everything on my checklist was done, and I was ready to head over to Edward's. Each beat of my heart was more distinct than the last. I realized how beautiful a heartbeat was, but not as beautiful as the creature I was about to become. I would lose good things just so that greater things would develop. I wanted this.

I jumped when I heard a thump come from behind me. I turned around and saw Edward standing in front of my window. I smiled and walked towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I pressed my lips lightly against his, and felt a few more tears escape.

"Hey," I said breathlessly as I pulled back, and looked deep into his golden orbs.

"Hi, my love." He smiled and grabbed my hands, gently squeezing them.

"What…what are you doing here? I thought I was meeting you at your place."

"Yeah…I thought…" he trailed off.

My nervousness multiplied, hoping Edward's uncertainty wasn't getting the best of him. I thought back to Alice and what she had said of her vision. I had to believe her.

"You thought?" I probed, squeezing his hands back.

"I thought you might want a lift." He smirked at me and bit his bottom lip.

I let out a deep breath and chuckled in relief. My knees suddenly felt weak. No matter what situation I was in, that smirk got me every time. Things had been on edge lately, not allowing us to fully be ourselves. It was comforting to see Edward being himself again.

"Oh, yeah sure. I could use a lift." I smiled at him and he turned around, preparing for me to get on his back.

I put my backpack on, wrapped my arms around his neck, and jumped. Edward caught my thighs with his hands. "Hold on, baby."

I tried not to scream as he jumped out my window. As the wind blew through my hair, the fear rushing through my veins turned into excitement. This would be the last time I would appreciate a vampire's speed and strength from a human's perspective. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the ride.

"Call us if you need anything, dear," Esme requested.

"Don't worry, Esme, I'll call," Edward promised, rubbing her back.

"Son, we are staying close by, so we shouldn't be that long. When we come back, you can leave for your last hunt before the transformation, okay?" Carlilse said.

The rest of the Cullens were all going hunting before my transformation took place. I didn't blame them; their eyes were pitch black. They had been so focused on planning my transformation the past few days that they'd neglected their own needs.

"Fair enough," Edward added.

"Happy birthday, Bella!" All of the Cullens yelled in unison suddenly, causing me to jerk back in surprise.

"Thanks…but, please, don't mention it."

"Don't be such a party-pooper, Bella!" Emmett laughed.

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, nodding in agreement. "Go hunt! Please!" I laughed.

"I can't wait for this to happen! Bella is going to be my sister forever!" Alice exclaimed, clapping her hands.

I looked at Edward and he grinned at me, causing me to do the same thing. This was actually happening. I smiled and everybody and caught eyes with Rosalie. Her pursed lips and glaring eyes didn't surprise me. I knew I should have asked her why she objected to this, but it was my future – my choice. I didn't shy away from her. I looked straight into her eyes until she turned around, grabbed Emmett's arm and left.

My actions could have started something, but I wasn't about to back down, or let anything get in my way. She needed to be put in her place, and I'll be quiet until my transformation was done. Then, I was confronting her.

Now it was just me and Edward – alone. Everything was in order, and I just wanted one last chance to take it easy and embrace whatever humanity I had left. "Edward?"

"Mhm," he hummed, walking towards my bags and picking them up.

"Can you…can you just lie down with me for a bit?"

Edward furrowed his eyebrows in confusion for a moment then agreed. "Of course, Bella. Let's go to my room, shall we?"

I nodded and started to walk up the stairs when Edward caught up to me and grabbed my hand, squeezing it gently. "Everything will be okay, my love," he assured me.

"I know. I believe you," I said, smiling at him.

We settled on Edward's bed and made ourselves comfortable in each other's arms. I moved in closer, rested my head on his chest, and took in a deep breath.

"What are you thinking, Bella?" Edward asked curiously.

"I'm thinking about the transformation. About how I can't wait until it's over. I'm nervous for how painful it's going to feel."

"It will be very painful, Bella, but I will be here the whole way. You will have me beside you. I won't leave."

"Promise?"

"I promise, my love." I felt Edward press his lips to the top of my head. I sighed as I tightened my hold around his torso. "Bella?"

"Yeah." I leaned back and looked up at him.

"I…I wanted to try something with you before your transformation."

"Okay. What would you like to try?"

Edward moved away from my hold and leaned over me. "I wanted you to experience making love to me as a human," Edward admitted, staring intently at me.

I didn't know what to think of what he just said. Delightfully unexpected and shocking would be the understatement of the century. I lay underneath him, and his burning, desire filled stare heated my body with want. I grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him, nodding. "Make love to me, Edward…please." I didn't want to ask him why he had suddenly changed his mind on the subject, afraid that he would go back on his offer. I would take whatever Edward gave me.

Edward's lips molded to mine, kissing me deeply. I took his cool bottom lip into my mouth and sucked on it gently, making him shudder. Suddenly Edward leaned back, pulled me up into a kneeling position with him, and smiled. Gently taking off my shirt, he traced his hands up my sides, and his cold hands left a simmering trail in the process. I looked deeply into his eyes and took his shirt off in return, locking my lips back with his. As he kissed my passionately, and as our bodies were so close together, I felt lifted off the ground. The way Edward made me feel amazed me. There couldn't be any love like ours. I didn't believe that Angela and Eric, or Jessica and Mike felt as fiery passion as I did.

When Edward placed his hand on my breast and caressed it, I was brought back from my thoughts. I pulled him closer to my body and moaned in his mouth. I moved my hands down to unbutton his pants and pulled down the zipper. Edward mirrored my movements, and soon we were both naked. I found myself on my back again with him hovering over me. Edward started tracing kisses along my jaw, each one increasing in intensity. My eyes rolled to the back of my head, and I moaned out loud. "Edward, I love you…I love you." I grabbed the sides of his face, pulling him back up to look at me, and lightly pressed my lips against his. Even though we hadn't gotten far yet, I knew Edward would make a loving, passionate lover. I didn't know what move he would make next, which excited and intrigued me.

My heart pounded erratically within my chest, on the verge of breaking my ribs. I brought my hands down to the middle of Edward's torso and caressed him, taking in every beautiful definition of his body. t He broke his connection with my lips and trailed kisses down my body. Reaching my nipple, he took it in his mouth and caressed it with his tongue, causing me to shake and shiver. I arched my back into his touch and brushed my hands through his hair. "Edward, that feels…that feels so good. I need you now." I couldn't wait any longer.

I felt Edward reach my stomach and place kisses around my belly button. Delicately making his way back up my body with his lips, he left a hot yet icy trail along the way. I wanted the first taste of what Edward had to offer. I was consumed by him. Then, just when I thought he would never say the words, he enlightened me. "Are you ready, Bella?" His words were full of desire.

"I've always been ready for you, Edward. Make love to me."

Edward nodded and smiled, pressing his body down against mine. Feeling his weight on top of my body was amazing. There were no words to describe the level of intimacy we were sharing. I was speechless – thoughtless. I looked down and caught a glimpse of his beauty, proving that he was, in fact, well endowed. The way the moonlight was directed on Edward, made his beautiful, pale skin glow. His defined abs were flexed, which made me bite my lip in anticipation of us finally connecting as one, putting the last piece to the puzzle together. I wanted him to fill me up. I wanted to feel completely his.

He positioned himself at my entrance and froze. "Are you really sure? I don't want to hurt you…"

"Baby, you won't hurt me. Please, believe me." I reached up and kissed his forehead, stroking his cheek with my hand. I smiled and nodded at him in reassurance.

"Okay." Edward kissed me again as he slowly pushed himself inside me. I grabbed his shoulders and gasped at the sensation.

Edward quickly stopped and pulled back. His eyes were full of worry and panic. "Bella?"

I closed my eyes and let out a low breath. "I'm fine…it's…just…"

"It's just what?" he rushed out.

"You're cold!" I chuckled; trying to convince Edward I wasn't in pain. I knew if I had told him the whole truth he would refuse to continue. I didn't care how much pain it caused, it was worth it. Edward and I had reached a level of intimacy I craved for. There was no going back – I wouldn't allow it.

Edward groaned, and leaned his head on my shoulder, chuckling.

I rubbed my hands over his strong back, pulling in forward in the process. "Don't stop. Please continue." I felt Edward nod against the crook of my neck as he continued to thrust himself into me.

I didn't know how long we made love to each other, but I had never felt so much perfection in my life. I felt so close to Edward, introducing me to a part of him I didn't know. Though I was discomforted from the pain, Edward's soothing endearments and encouragements helped me forget. At one point the way Edward was kissing and sucking along my neck was intense, causing my eyes to roll into the back of my head. I jerked my body underneath his, making him respond accordingly. I felt completely wanted and adored, sending the love I felt for Edward to an absolute high. I pushed my hands through his beautiful hair as I felt tears stream down my face, from pain or pleasure, I wasn't sure. I heard Edward whispering in my ear, but it sounded like an echo, a voice distorter. He brushed my hair off my forehead, but I only felt the pressure, not the sensation.

He continued to whisper words of encouragement in my ear, "You're beautiful, Bella. You're my soul mate. I've waited over a century for you, nothing will separate us now. I can't wait until this is all over and we can spend forever together. No boundaries…Nothing. You're so strong. You're so very strong,"

Edward's voice quavered and broke at the end. I thought of how serious his voice was, how his body had suddenly tensed on top of mine. I was drowning in so much desire that I couldn't bring myself to respond to him. The burn within my veins stopped me from doing that.

"You're safe, my love," Edward assured me.

I quivered and threw my head back.

Then everything went black.

When I opened my eyes, my mouth was parched. I brought myself up on my elbows and smiled when I remembered that Edward and I had made love. I looked over to the side and noticed Edward wasn't there. I furrowed my eyebrows and shot upright when I realized I was back in my room. I threw off my covers and looked at the time on my alarm clock, the red digits blinking 1:00AM.

"SHIT!" I yelled, and jumped up off my bed. I looked down to see that I was fully dressed.

_Why would he bring me back to my place? Tonight was my transformation! I'm late for it! _I began to panic.

For some odd reason, I ran into the washroom and looked at myself in the mirror. No, I wasn't a vampire. _Of course you wouldn't be, Bella, you just WOKE up, remember? _I rushed back to my room and looked for the bag I packed, but it was gone. I figured it was probably still at Edward's.

I crouched down to put on my shoes and winced in pain. The after effect of sex, I guessed. It proved that tonight actually did happen, and I wasn't going crazy. I walked out of my room and closed the door, quickly looking around the house one more time before I left and got in my truck. I started the engine and accelerated as fast as it would allow.

I pulled up in the Cullen's driveway and got out, looking at their house. All the lights were off, as if no one was home. I shook my head in confusion and walked up to the door, allowing myself in. I turned on the light switch next to me and noticed that everything was gone besides the piano and couch, which were covered with white sheets.

Worry started to ring in my ears, my stomach dropped, and my heart started pounding within my chest. "Edward?" I called, walking quickly through each room of the house, finding nothing. Tears started to fall down my face, blurring my vision. I ran up the stairs and entered each of their rooms. "EDWARD? ALICE? ANYBODY!" I grabbed my hair and started sobbing. They left me. They never changed me….

I ran down the stairs, looking around frantically. I refused to believe this could happen. There had to be some kind of mistake. I pulled out my phone and dialed Alice.

"_Hi, you've reached Alice! I can't take your call, so just leave a message!_

"Alice, where are you guys? Where the hell did everything in your place go? You forgot something…ME!"

I slammed my phone shut, and started biting my nails. I wiped the tears from my face and breathed heavily, attempting to cease my panic. I tried to figure something out, there had to be a reason for this.

I flipped my phone back open and started dialing Edward's number, but I stopped when I heard a voice behind me.

"Bella?"

I whipped around and found Edward standing before me. "Edward? Where were you? I was freaking out! Why did you bring me back home? Where is everybody else?" I rushed out.

"They left for Alaska already."

"Okay, so can we leave now then?"

"Uh…no." Edward kept looking down, refusing to make eye contact with me.

"What? Why?" The pit of my stomach started to churn.

"You're not going to Alaska," he stated. I could already hear the walls of my heart start to crumble, but I played with denial a little longer.

"Then where are we doing the transformation?" I questioned nervously.

"We're not doing your transformation," Edward said coldly.

"What do you mean?" I choked out in disbelief. I shook my head to keep my thoughts focused. "Okay, fine. If you want to wait, we will wait. Just…tell everybody to cancel the move." Edward stayed silent, not acknowledging me. "Edward?"

"Bella, we're not moving back. You're staying here, we're leaving." Edward clenched his jaw.

"You…you can't be serious, Edward. You can't just walk away…NO!" My tears finally fell freely down my face, and I choked out a sob, covering my mouth. My heart officially broke down.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with us. It's just better off that way. It will never work between us."

Fire shot through my veins, and it felt as though my heart stopped beating.

"You…oh god…." I found it hard to take breaths, as they had became very shallow. "No…you don't know what you're saying. You're scared because of the transformation. We can wait…just don't go," I pleaded.

"Bella, please leave. I have to go now."

"No, Edward, I won't leave you…no. You're putting your mask on again. This isn't you." I walked up to him, but he turned away from me. I stopped from going closer towards him.

"Bella, I just don't wish to see you anymore. I realized that I was only infatuated with you. I never loved you. Vampires can't love humans." The indifferent, cold look on Edward's face infuriated me. I wanted to slap the inconsideration out of him.

"YOU'RE LYING, EDWARD!" I screamed, sobbing heavily. The words he spat out at me cut me deeper. My world was ending.

"I know I should have told you this a while ago, but you're just not meant for my world. Humans and vampires clash. I can't fight this anymore, so we're leaving."

"Edward, please…stop. You're not going to do this. I won't allow it." I walked up to him and grabbed his arm. He pulled it away and whipped around, growling at me. I scrambled back, frightened by Edward for the first time.

"You are my food, Bella. You're not somebody I fall in love with. You're my prey. What we had was unnatural and forced. It was unhealthy. I can't live with temptation. You…you were just _there_, Bella, something to pass the excruciating time of eternity. Now, get out."

I felt an uncertain force come over me, like I wasn't in control of my own body. It felt like I was looking down on myself from bird's-eye view. I was absent – following my instinct. I had no thoughts; I was barricaded by pain that had consumed my whole body. I had a million things running through my mind, but I couldn't speak. I shook my head, shocked, as I sobbed continuously. Who was I to beg Edward? I believed him. He told me he would never lie.

_And never is a promise, _my thoughts chanted.

I looked down and wiped away my tears, walking down the steps to the driveway. I saw Alice in my peripheral vision and my heart burned even more.

"Bella! Bella!" Alice called, grabbing my arm.

I stumbled at her force when she grabbed me, and I finally looked up at her. An unfathomable sense of betrayal flooded my veins – my heart. "Don't you dare touch me!"

"Bella, I'm sorry…"

I shook my head at her words. "Sorry? You hid this from me!" I yelled. "You hid the fact that the love of _my_ life never loved me back, or wanted me, and you expect me to just run into your arms? No…you out of all people…" I scoffed and shook my head in something that was beyond disappointment. I turned and started to walk towards my truck.

"Bella, let me explain. You can't drive home like this," Alice pleaded, walking towards me.

"No way." I glared at her for her nerve to even come close. "So tell me, Alice, that you never saw this outcome. Don't try and say that it came as a shock to you. You know just as well as I do, if not better, that that wasn't the case. Just stay away from me. Both you and your brother can go to hell."

I got into my truck and started the engine. I heard Alice yell something, but my heart was too distraught to register it. I was in no shape to drive, but I did anyway. I was halfway home, but my I was so consumed by pain and tears that I started to swerve. My misery was beyond what I thought was humanly possible. I was hurt, I knew this – but the extent, though – that was unfathomable.

I couldn't bear the thought of Edward not being in my life. He took himself away from me, and I hated myself for it. I felt bile quickly rise up my throat and I got out of my truck. I stumbled along the side and fell to my knees, allowing the contents of my stomach to come out. As I watched it splatter all over the gravel I started to wail. My life, as I knew it, ended, and I had no idea how to move on.

The only thing that soothed me was the rain pouring down against me, cooling my broken heart and boiling blood. I wanted so badly to get up and drive back to the Cullens and demand answers, but I knew I couldn't. They would be long gone by now. I never thought Edward would stoop so low as to go almost eight months lying to a woman who was so in love with him.

The only thing I could do now was cry. Cry for my lost love, cry for my future, and cry for all that I knew. I lied down on the road, in the pouring rain, and lost myself within the sorrow that was now my life. I closed my eyes and tried to disappear, tried to wash away. I couldn't take anymore of this pain, I just wanted to come undone and make it stop. I wanted to dig a hole and crawl in – die.

I didn't know how many hours had passed, but I was completely soaked. I heard a car slow down, and the door slam shut. I heard someone's shoes run on the wet pavement, and then become muffled when they stepped on the gravel. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. I couldn't bring myself to talk or move.

I could sense somebody close to me, their body heat radiating off of them. Their smell was oddly familiar – like wet wood and car grease. I breathed it in deeply.

"Bella!" a raspy voice called out. I recognized the tone. _Jacob_. Suddenly, I felt him wrap me up in his burning arms. "Everything will be okay, Bells. Oh, God, what the hell happened?"

I couldn't bring myself to answer him.


	11. Excess Baggage

Chapter Eleven – Excess baggage

**BPOV**

I had been lying in my bed – in hell – for three days. The only reason why I knew it had been three days was because I heard Jacob and my dad talk to each other in hushed voices in front of my door. My pain had yet to subside. Every so often it would multiply, and I was left screaming for it to go away. The only time I wasn't screaming in agony was when I was laying in bed, dead to the world. I hadn't spoken to anybody or refocused my attention on anything else besides my window. Hoping that Edward would jump in laughing, admitting it was some birthday prank. But it had been three days – my birthday was over – and so was my life.

I didn't understand why he left me the way he had. Why he didn't love me as much as he said he did. Did he fool the rest of the Cullen family into thinking he loved me, too, or were they playing the cruel game along with him? It was unfathomable to think of the ladder. As I lay here and watch the overcast sky, changing from light to dark, betrayal and pain simmer within my blood. It felt like the scorching flame that my heart burst into was permanent. It was still, never ceasing, always increasing.

Over the last few days I heard continuous knocking on my door, but I had ignored it. I didn't want to exist if I was without Edward. I was ashamed for what ugliness they would see when they looked at me. Edward scarred me for life, and I didn't want anybody to witness the weak, broken Bella I had become. I had become what Edward said I would never see the day of. I was empty with nothing to live for. I was damaged. Through all my agony, however, I still found myself willing to live the rest of my life loving Edward. I would until my last breath was taken.

I felt hunger pains shoot through my stomach, but I knew I wouldn't hold in anything I ate. I only got up to go to the washroom. I didn't want to get up – I couldn't – it felt like I was paralyzed. Every time I tried to move, my body wouldn't respond. I was also missing school, and after Charlie first made an unsuccessful attempt to get me to go, he stopped trying. Another wave of tears stung my swollen, red eyes when I thought of how much I had hurt Charlie. There was so much falling apart, yet I couldn't bring myself to care enough to fix them. The only thing I cared about was Edward. My mind switched over to everything that had happened before I went to see him. I had mailed the letters to Renee, Phil, and Jacob saying goodbye. What was I going to tell people? That his family was planning their move without me? I felt hot tears scorch the sides of my face as they fell off and hit my pillow. I blinked once, and it felt like sandpaper scratching over my eyes.

I jerked slightly when I heard a knock on my door.

"Bella?" a voice whispered through the door. _Jacob_.

I didn't know how to feel about his presence. He was the one who _saved_ me, who picked me up off the side of the street. I wondered how he knew where I was, but then I remembered the letter I mailed to him. My chest clenched and my heart beat weakly, as if it were a bruise in my chest. I wanted to be left alone, but at the same time, I wanted somebody by my side. I hated that.

I continued to look out at the dark, gloomy clouds, which mirrored the color of my heart and soul.

I took a deep breath, knowing it was about time I faced Jacob. He had waited long enough. "What, Jacob?" I croaked out, my throat extremely dry. I tried to swallow and winced at the stinging sensation. It must have been from my sobs, from the screaming of my aching loneliness, which was now my reality.

"May I come in?" he asked, his voice tense.

I wiped my eyes and answered, "Uh, yeah."

I looked over at the door and watched as Jake opened it slowly, as if he expected me to jump out of bed and lunge for him.

"Jake, you can just walk straight in. I don't bite," I said, dripping with sarcasm. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, preparing to get myself in an upright position. It took all the strength that I didn't know I had to do so. I finally looked back at him and he looked pretty good, yet had worry flooding his eyes. I could tell he was nervous to be around me, like I was going to break down at any second. His whole body was tense and his hands were shoved into his jean pockets. I hated the fact that I caused him to be weary of me.

"I know, Bella." He sighed. "How are you?"

I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, my pain slowly threatening to take over once again. I didn't want to face what had happened. I was afraid to say something in case I lost it, so I just raised my eye brows at him.

"Right. Stupid thing to ask. I'm sorry."

I closed my eyes and swallowed the hurtful lump in my throat. "Don't be, Jacob. It's an impulse to ask things like that." I shook my head and chuckled humorlessly. "Why are you here?" I tried my best to hide my pain, but it was becoming harder and harder by the minute. I felt the loss of Edward start to eat me alive. I didn't know how much longer I was going to last.

This time Jacob raised his eyebrows. I could see concern laced within his features, and frustration in his eyes. I knew nothing good was about to come and my stomach dropped, anxiety creeping its way through my body. "Why am I here? Bella, you haven't been out of your room in almost four days. You haven't eaten. You haven't gone to school. You haven't spoken one word to Charlie, and you haven't even answered you fucking cellphone." I furrowed my eyebrows thinking back to when my cellphone went off, and I couldn't remember it ever ringing. "Like, fuck, he's worried about you, Bella. He's never seen you like this before, this…gone. You're not acting like yourself, and on top of that, _I'm_ worried about you."

I winced when I thought about Charlie and realized what he really must have been going through. I hated to put Charlie through so much. "Well, I'm sorry I worry you, Jacob. Charlie will be fine, and I can take care of myself," I spat out, trying to force down my threatening sob.

"I know you can, Bella, but I think you need to convince not only yourself of that, but Charlie as well. He called me as a last resort because you won't talk to him."

I shook my head, disagreeing with what he was saying. "No, Jacob, he never came to see me."

Jacob scoffed. "Bella, are you serious? He's been right here where I am, begging you to acknowledge him, and you didn't take your fucking eyes off that goddamn window!"

I couldn't hold my tears back any longer. I put my head in my hands and cried. I needed Edward, this hurt too much. I couldn't handle it…

"Jacob, stop yelling at me! I'm trying okay!" I screamed, wailing.

I couldn't take the pain anymore. It was unbearable.

Jacob walked towards me with a sympathetic look on his face. "I'm sorry, Bella," he said sadly. "But you're hurting the people who actually care about you."

My blood started to boil at what he had just said. "What did you just say?" I wiped my eyes and glared at him.

"What?" Jacob looked at me confused.

"People who_ actually_ care about me? You think I like being this way over somebody who never gave a SHIT about me?" I finally got off my bed, my hurt and sorrow directing me.

"Bella, I-"

"No, Jacob! Don't come in here and rub in the fact that I was a complete fool and madly in love with…_him_. Don't you dare shove it in my fucking face!" It felt like my insides were ripping apart, that my air supply had been cut off. I started to hyperventilate and clenched my chest with my hand. How dare he be so cruel, so inconsiderate…

"That's not what I was doing, Bella," he rushed out. "You're reading this the wrong way, and on top of that, putting words in my mouth!" Jacob stepped forward, and I put my hand up to stop him.

"I'm not putting words in your mouth. I'm allowed to be hurt and deserve to be left alone…Just leave." I turned around and walked back to my bed. I didn't have the energy to argue with Jacob. I only hoped he would listen and leave.

"Bella?"

I guess not. I twirled around to face him, angry. "What? You finally got your chance to shove 'I told you so' in my face, so just LEAVE!" I cried out. It just wouldn't stop. I just wanted everybody to just go away.

"Bella, be serious. I'm here because I care for you. You're hurting…"

"Leave me alone! Get out!"

"I'm not leaving you here like this, Bella."

I growled in frustration. "I hate you! I hate you, Jacob. Nobody here gives a shit. Do yourself a favor as well and take a break from such a weak human." Jacob walked towards me, and I was too busy being swallowed up by the excruciating pain taking over that I couldn't stop him.

"Bella, stop-"

My sorrow finally washed over me at full force, and I was struggling to breathe. "He left me…oh, my god…he left me. It hurts, God, it hurts. I'm alone." I started to look frantically around my room and chuckled humorlessly, which quickly turned into a painful sob. "He left me. I'll never see him again. He moved, and broke my heart. I can't take it, Jacob, I can't take it…Get it off me…Take it away." I felt like I was suffocating. I started to grab at my t-shirt and tug at it. "He let me go…I hate you…You don't care! This was what you wanted, Jacob. The one person I truly loved was the one person you hated most. You're the last person who should be here helping me! You could never comprehend the love I felt for Edward. Just leave!" I screamed out, and rolled over on my pillow, succumbing to my pain.

Jacob walked out and slammed the door behind him. I pulled my covers over my head and let out all the pain that Edward caused me by leaving. I instantly felt horrible for turning against Jacob, he was just trying to help me – be there – but he didn't understand what I was going through.

I knew I needed to start fixing what problems I had caused, but first I had to fix things with Charlie because I was hurting him the most. But for now, I was begging for blackness to suck me out of my misery.

It hurt me every time I had to look at the table where the Cullens "ate". Every day I walked through the doors of Forks High; the stares of pity were almost unbearable. Every so often I had to rush to the washroom and breakdown behind a closed stall, trying to suppress the loss and pain I felt. I was tired of continuously doing this routine, which seemed as though it was one I would never be able to break. I needed to be the first one to break this cycle and get back up on my feet. As much as I loved Edward, and always would, I needed to let him go. I needed to get back up and fight off the dark cloud that hung over me since the he left.

Being that it was the weekend, I was so relieved that I had made it through yet another horrible week at school. I avoided Jessica and Mike as much as I could and stuck around Angela and Eric most of the time. Jessica's third degree had been overwhelming and it was all too much to take. I hadn't been ready to deal with telling people about the Cullen's sudden move, or the fact that Edward had broken my heart. I felt like people were laughing at me constantly – it haunted me. I pushed it down as far as it would go, and tried the best I could to take it all in stride. Angela had been supportive by telling me that she would be there if I wanted to talk, and she never forced me to give her answers. I appreciated her for it. Glares from Lauren didn't go unnoticed, either. Each time I caught eyes with hers, my hatred for her multiplied by hundreds. Rage filled my body with how much she had gotten pleasure from my pain. Ever since I stepped foot in Forks High she had a stuck up grin on her face – one I had always been ready to punch off.

As I drove down to La Push, I pushed my thoughts of school to the back of my head, and dealt with the apprehension of seeing Jacob's reaction to my arrival. I drove up onto his driveway and parked, getting out and taking a deep breath before I walked up the steps to his porch. Jacob suddenly appeared behind the screen door before I could knock.

"Um, hey, Jake," I said nervously.

"Hi, Bella," he said flatly. "It's good to finally see you out."

I furrowed my eyebrows as to how calm he was being, but shrugged it off. "Thanks…It's good to be out." I shoved my hands in my back pockets and nodded along with my answer.

"Yeah…" Jacob walked past me and made his way to the shed. I followed behind him. "How is Charlie?"

I frowned. "Charlie is good. Uh, we patched things up a bit." Jacob walked to the back of his shed and shuffled through his tools, staying silent. I continued, "Jacob, I'm sorry. I know it took me awhile to come and apologize, but-"

"It's okay, Bella," he interrupted, looking up from his toolbox and focusing on me. "You don't have to explain. I understand."

"I don't care if you understand. How I treated you was unfair." I walked further into the shed as I wrung my hands together nervously.

A small smile crept up on his face. "Apology accepted, then. I owe you an apology as well. I mean, I pushed you instead of helping you out. So, I'm sorry."

Jacob's instant understanding was something I wasn't expecting, making me unable to say anything. I was internally getting ready to defend myself, but now I didn't have to. "No, Jake, it's okay. Just…let's move on."

_Move on_

My chest involuntarily constricted as my pain of Edward's leaving consumed me again.

"Cool. So, you wanna help me build this thing back up. You get under the car, and I'll pass you the tools and tell ya what to do?" he asked it as a question, probably sensing my hesitation.

"Jake…if I do that I'll probably mess it up. Probably not a good idea," I said, shaking my head.

"You wuss," he laughed. "In that case, you grab a couple of sodas and take a seat on this crate. I'll tell ya what tools to pass me then. You know…if you wanna keep me company."

I walked towards the fridge, grabbed a couple of Coke's, and tossed one to him before I replied, "Of course, yeah, I wanna hang out."

I swallowed hard, knowing that I sounded unsure. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I knew this was in the right direction. I knew it was the right direction when I saw hope in Jacob's eyes, and a huge smile take over his face, showing his bright white teeth. I couldn't help but smile and nod in agreement. It was the first time a smile appeared on my face in two weeks and it felt…good. My life had been swallowed by pain and darkness, so 'good' was something I would cling onto for dear life.

Things weren't getting easier, as much as I just wished they were. Time was passing, but my pain wasn't fading. I still felt this aching absence deep within my heart – my soul. Jacob's understanding and presence numbed me and my pain in installments, but I wasn't healing. I knew the throbbing pain was still there, but I couldn't feel it – Jacob only stilled it. Spending my time with him forced me to not think about Edward. In a way I was thankful for that, but I hated the fact that my memories of Edward were deteriorating. He'd hurt and broke me beyond repair, but I loved him nonetheless – I still did. Somewhere in my deep, fucked-up, imaginative thoughts I hoped Edward did this for a reason. Edward was a better man than what he had portrayed to me two months ago. I never suspected this from him, making me think that he had suddenly made this decision, and I found myself wondering what curved him in that direction.

There was just something suspicious about his motive. If I took myself out of the situation and looked back in, I could see something faulty. I wanted to believe my thoughts, but I trusted Edward – I believed him. I always believed he had my best interest as a priority. Suddenly, pangs of sadness wretched through my heart, making me cripple over in pain and scream. I wanted him back here. I wanted him to tell me he loved me. I wanted him to look me in the eye and tell me he never did, tell me that he never wanted this. I deserved the truth.

As I sobbed alone in my room, I begged – I prayed for a second chance, so I could do things differently. Nothing made sense anymore. I wasn't living, I only existed. I felt swarmed with sorrow – I was drowning. I wanted to scratch away at my skin and find an exit to my misery. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs until I found some sort of relief. I wanted to beat something – anyone – so they could feel just an inch of what was pulsing through my soulless body.

I just wanted to be numb forever.

I would never get over the pain and heartbreak of Edward's leaving – that day would never come – so I needed to find some sort of…false cure for my pain. Once I finally calmed myself and my nerves down, I got up and walked to the bathroom. I looked at my ghost reflection in the mirror and sighed. I felt the need to face myself. Though there was no logic behind my realization, I just needed proof that Edward had taken my soul and my heart with him. I was dead, but not like the Cullens. My hair was messy, knotted even. I had dark circles under my red, puffy eyes, making me look even paler. I had dried tear tracks tracing my face. I took in my frown lines and my eyebrows were permanently furrowed.

I stared at myself and thought of what I could do to help myself revive. One side of me was reluctant to find a way, but if I was without Edward, I wanted nothing – not even solace. I had to do it for everybody else. Everybody was already wondering why I was still so catatonic and mute. I could see Charlie's disappointment in his eyes when I would come downstairs every morning and not say a word. I could feel the way he looked at me with pity and it made me sick to my stomach. He would attempt the effort to say something, but opted to back out. I couldn't act like this forever and so I needed to find a "cure" ASAP.

Until I figured my shit out, I had to come up with a plan to convince people I was over Edward. I had to find a way to numb my pain and act like my old self. I needed something to trick people into thinking I was, in fact, okay, and that I was moving on.

I let out a deep sigh, glad that Charlie wasn't around to hear and witness yet another outburst of my depression. He had gone fishing with Billy and wouldn't be back until tonight. I didn't want to be alone anymore; I was tired of it eating me up whole. I planned to visit Jacob today, but I needed to find an alternative to help me seem…in better spirits. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, opening up the medicine cabinet to grab the toothpaste. When I went to reach for the tube, my eye caught a prescription bottle. I grabbed it instead of the toothpaste and read the label. It was for Charlie's pain killers for when he slipped and pulled his back on the job.

I bit my tongue and thought about doing something inconceivable, but as much as I was thinking of pleasing others with "acting" okay, I was, in reality, only thinking of myself. As I tried to put the bottle back in the cabinet, I found myself turning the cap, taking a pill out and staring at it. I weighed my options and fought my conscience. Before I could completely make up my mind of what to do, it seemed as though I already had. The pill was already in my mouth, and I had a glass of water to my lips. I took one big gulp and stared at my worried face in the mirror, wondering what the fuck I had just done.

I took one of Charlie's painkillers in a desperate need to be "okay" or "sane", to numb my pain from the absence of Edward.

That alone should have made me snap back into reality and ask myself what the fuck I was thinking. But soon enough, everything was fuzzy around the edges, and I forgot my reasons for being upset with myself in the first place. I couldn't feel pain, or emotion. I couldn't find reason to care and I liked it.


	12. Wish You Were Here

Chapter Twelve – Wish You Were Here

**BPOV**

I was moping around Newton Outfitter's stocking shelves when I heard the bells jingle. I turned around and saw Seth walking towards the camping gear. Ever since I started taking Charlie's painkillers, I have sort of been…dependent on them, on feeling numb. I was scared out of my mind because I was already half done his bottle, so I needed to find something else to ease the pain of my reality. Weeks and weeks have passed, and nothing was getting better, only my acting of leading people to believe I was okay.

I walked up to Seth and wrung my hands nervously, feeling awkward for what I was about to ask him. "Hey, Seth."

He turned around and a wide smile developed on his face. "Hey, Bells, what's up?"

"Uh, not much. Do you need help looking for anything?" I thought that I might as well do my job, being that was what I was getting paid to do. Also, it wouldn't make me sound desperate and only wanting something from him.

"Nah, it's cool. I got it. How have you been?" Seth's eyes grew with sympathy, and I knew what he was insinuating. I hated the looks of pity I had gotten from everybody. I cringed.

I took and deep breath, perked myself up, and smiled. It was completely put on, and I knew Seth could tell, but I chose to ignore it. "Great…everything is just…great."

He smiled weakly in return. "That's good…" Seth was a great guy, but when nobody else was around, conversation between us was extremely awkward. I needed to ask him for a favor before my courage ran away.

"So, Seth, I was wondering if you could help me out."

He looked at me curiously and nodded. "Sure."

"Do you have any…Um, do you have any of that weed?" My stomach sank to the ground. I hated doing this, but I needed it. I just did. My nerves were frantic. I knew at that point it wasn't my head leading the way, it was my addiction. I had crossed a huge no-go line, and I couldn't bring myself to take one step back.

"You want some? You smoking with Jacob again?" he laughed, and patted my shoulder.

I cringed away from his touch – it was too warm – not cool like I was used to. Nobody had touched me since…that night. "Uh, well, it's actually just for me."

"Oh." Seth rubbed the back of his neck and hesitated. "Well–"

"Look, if you can't that's fine. Yes or no," I interrupted. My patience was wearing thing, making my irritability spike. I needed something – anything.

"Yeah, okay, sure. Why don't you come by after work, and I'll hook you up."

I instantly felt relieved and relaxed slightly. Seth grabbed a couple flashlights off the shelf, and I motioned toward the checkout. "Thanks, Seth. Here, I'll cash you out at the register."

I swiped through his items and smiled weakly at him. "I really appreciate this, you know." I bit my bottom lip, worried that he would think differently of me. The last thing I wanted was for the town of Forks to think I had become some addict. I wasn't an addict; I was a heartbroken girl who had trouble dealing with my heartbreak, my loss and pain.

"Ah, c'mon, don't worry about it." I nodded and handed back his change. Seth grabbed his bags and smiled at me. "See ya later, Bella."

"Yeah…see ya."

As soon as he was gone, I signed out of my register and bee-lined it for the washroom, popping yet another painkiller.

I was on my way home from seeing Seth in La Push. The whole drug selling thing freaked me out, and I was completely unsure of myself. It was hard for me to really look at my life the way it was. I refused to think of myself as getting worse, though I knew more and more each day that I couldn't deny it anymore. Substance abuse was never something that I had imagined doing, but now I couldn't see how I would handle it any other way. Some part of me was convinced that this was the only alternative to getting over Edward, and the other half was convinced that I was a coward who wasn't able to face what had happened. Maybe I didn't want to. Edward became all that I knew—he consumed me. I rode upon what shattered hope I had left in thinking that he might regret his choice—that he might have loved me half as much as I loved him. That maybe one day he would realize that he had made a big mistake and come back to Forks. But for now, while I still silently prayed—hoped—I had to block out my pain and Edward.

I took a deep breath and calmed my nerves as I pulled up onto the driveway. I had hid the pot in one of the pockets of my bag, so Charlie wouldn't suspect anything. I composed myself and finally got the strength to get out of my truck and go inside. As I walked into the kitchen I saw Charlie sitting at the table with a Vitamin R in one hand and the daily newspaper in the other.

"Hey, Dad," I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. "Did you eat yet?"

Charlie looked up at me and quirked his eyebrow. Obviously my sudden interest in making dinner for the first time in two months would come as a shock. "Hey, kid. And no, I thought maybe we could just order in a pizza."

I walked towards the table, and shook his beer can to see if it was empty, and it was. I threw it in the recycling bin, before grabbing him another one. "Yeah, that's cool."

He nodded and set his paper down, clearing his throat. "Sit down there, Bells."

I sighed heavily before I took the seat across from him. "You're not gonna give me another one of your lectures, are you?"

He rubbed his chin and grumbled under his breath before he finally spoke up. "Do you think I am?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't see why you would."

Charlie sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Did you have a longer shift today? You said you were off at 5pm. It's 7pm now."

I hated lying to him, but I needed to. I needed to keep things in line. Everything was going to be fine. I repeated that to myself so many times in one day. I had to believe it.

"No, I didn't have a longer shift. I went to see Jacob after work for a bit."

"Oh," he mumbled, and nodded, uncrossing his arms. "Well, I'm glad you're getting out there, Bells. The fresh air is good for you."

I snorted. "Yeah…" We sat in silence momentarily before I got up. I started to think and I couldn't handle that. "I'm not really hungry, so you just go ahead and order yourself something. I'm gonna study…Math test," I said, grimacing.

"How's school going anyway?"

"It's going," I added quickly, wanting to be alone already.

Charlie eyed me suspiciously before waving his hand, dismissing me. "Night, Bella."

"Yeah, night, Dad."

I sauntered into my room and sat on my bed, grabbing my laptop and turning it on. I put in my earplugs and switched on my iPod to some Band of Horses. I checked my e-mail, and of course, I had three from Renee. Ever since I mailed that letter and she had received it, she had been calling and e-mailing me more in one week than someone should in year. I rolled my eyes and clicked the first one open.

_From: _

_To: _

_Subject: Hi Honey._

_My baby Bella,_

_I haven't heard from you in a few days. I called your father yesterday and he told me that you have been hanging out with Jacob recently. I'm really happy to see that you have been expanding your horizons and reaching out to friends. It's very good for the soul and the human spirit. I really wish you didn't cut me off last week when I asked you about seeing a psychiatrist. There is nothing wrong with that, Bella, especially in your case. You have done nothing wrong, and it's okay to grab a lending hand. I gave your father the number to a very highly recommended one. I really hope you take our offering. _

_Anyways, please give me a call or e-mail me back. I miss you. The offer to come to Jacksonville still stands. Oh, and Phil says hi._

_I love you, baby,_

_Mom xoxo_

I deleted the rest of the hysterical e-mails following this one and decided to reply to avoid Renee flying out here.

_From: _

_To:_

_Subject: Re: Hi Honey_

_Hi Mom,_

_Everything is going fine. Jacob is a good guy, I enjoy hanging out with him. I don't need a psychiatrist, nor do I need to move to Jacksonville. I'm handling everything fine. I'll call you later on this week, and tell Phil I say hi back._

_I miss you…a lot._

_Bella_

I clicked back to my inbox and examined it closely to see if maybe Edward or Alice sent me something. Of course they didn't. I wanted to e-mail them, but the chance of an ancient vampire sitting at a computer was slim to none. I fought the urge to click compose message and signed off. I had tried texting Alice and Edward, even calling everybody else, but they had all changed their numbers. I didn't want to think back to how I felt when I called and had an operator tell me that the number didn't exist.

I gritted my teeth and slammed my fist down on my bed. I growled in frustration, stood up, and started pacing my room. I didn't deserve any of this. I didn't deserve to fucking live the rest of my life suffering. Why was it so hard to get over him? I wiped the errant tear that trailed down my face quickly and grabbed my bag. I was starting to feel again and I refused to. I refused to let myself cave into trying to contact him. He knew where I was.

I unzipped the pocket and took out the stash of pot, sniffing it. It smelled good – fresh. I needed to get out of the house and smoke some of this shit because I could feel my painkillers start to wear off, and I couldn't let that happen. I took my lighter, stashed the weed in my pocket, and trucked it downstairs. I slid on my shoes and put on my coat, telling Charlie that I was going to Jacob's and that I'd be back.

I took out my cellphone and texted Jacob quickly incase he called my place looking for me.

**Hey, Jake. I told Charlie I was coming to your place, so don't call my home. I'm just taking a walk to clear my head. –B**

A few moments later I felt my phone vibrate between my hands.

**Just be careful, Bella. You never know what's lurking around. Call if you need anything. Oh, when are you coming over next? :P –J **

I smiled a little at his text, but decided to respond to him later. I put my cell back in my pocket and focused on my surrounding. Walking through the woods and feeling the cold damp air hit my face, felt good. It felt like an escape. I breathed in the night air deeply, instantly relaxing my nerves as I walked further into the woods. I stopped when I reached my favorite Evergreen and sat up against it. From there, I could see the Cullen's house. Even though seeing their place was heartbreaking it was comforting – that a part of them was still with me—still existed. I did contemplate getting up and leaving, but I dismissed it quickly. I stared at it for a few minutes, or hours, I didn't know, and felt sorrow course through my body. My chest felt heavy and my breathes were labored. As I intently stared at it, reality set in and the exterior was deserted and unkept.

_Esme would have been devastated, _I thought to myself, and laughed humorlessly.

I closed my eyes willing away my pain and took out the baggie of pot. I ripped some off the bud and crumpled it into the bowl of my pipe. Putting it up to my lips, I lit away, and inhaled it. I held it within my lungs for as long as I could, knowing that I would need the extra high. I needed my focus to be spaced out, to be fuzzy around the edges. I exhaled slowly and continued until the bowl was finished. I dumped out the ashes and tucked everything back into my pockets once I was done.

I leaned my head back on the tree trunk, letting the weed take its course, and chuckled to myself. None of this was ever going to get better. I loved being high because it allowed me to think of Edward and the Cullens without feeling the torn emotions that came with it. It was just a memory; I didn't feel the pain associated with it.

I got up and walked towards thier house. It was a stupid decision to go to their place, but it was as though I didn't have a choice. I didn't care how many scars I carried from Edward's actions, I loved him regardless. I had watched him turn his back on me and walk away, but I would always be here because he was all that I had.

I made my way up the porch steps and grabbed the door handle, and to my luck, it was unlocked. I made my way inside slowly and took in the abandoned, dusty interior. I tip-toed my way through the hallways and looked everywhere, taking in my surroundings. I couldn't believe I was walking through their house, and as much as I knew I wouldn't bump into anybody, I couldn't help but hope.

I quickly jogged up the stairs and soon enough, found myself standing in front of Edward's door. It was eerily quiet. The only thing I could hear were my rapid breaths and the sound of my heart pounding wildly. I could smell their lingered stale, sweet scent, and the only thing that kept me from falling and crashing with sorrow was my high.

I closed my eyes and swallowed thickly. I let out a low breath as I placed my shaky hand on Edward's doorknob, and turned it quickly, pushing it open. The door creaked as it slowly opened up. I hesitantly walked in, and I could feel my eyes widening with every step that I took. My heart pounded wildly, even more so now, against my ribs.

I walked further into his room, shocked that he hadn't taken anything with him, and walked over to his CD collection. I traced the dusty spines of each case with my fingers and stopped when I came across a recorded copy of my lullaby. I swallowed a sob and pulled it out of the slot, opening it, and making my way over the stereo. I blew off the console and powered it on, sliding the disc into the slot. I pressed it open and hit play, and made my way over to Edward's bed, crawling on top of it. I didn't have a fucking clue what I was doing, or why I was putting myself through this, but something compelled me to stay. I collapsed on top and wrapped my arms around his pillow and brought it close to my chest, inhaling deeply. It still smelled like him – honey and sandalwood.

"I love you and miss you, Edward," I mumbled aloud.

I closed my eyes and relished in Edward's scent and my lullaby. I smiled against his pillow and imagined his cool arms wrapped around me tightly. I stayed like that until I fell asleep.

Waking up in Edward's bed had been a traumatic experience for me. My high was gone and the pain of his absence lashed out at me. I thought I would never make it out of his place fast enough. I had run home, never looking back. Thankfully it had only been a couple hours or else Charlie would have flipped. When I had come home I pulled my clothes off and threw them in the wash, praying it would get rid of Edward's scent. It would be pure torture if I allowed myself to envelope in anything related to him. I was foolish to go there in the first place.

Though I knew it didn't matter how many times I washed my clothes, or got high to numb my pain, I'd still have the memory of them. The wound that was now my heart would always be painfully fresh. Every day for the past couple of months, the fiery pain licked my insides, eating apart everything in its path. I remained focused on trying to make people happy, to forget and get over Edward, but every day it kept becoming more and more unbearable.

I knew I had fallen to an ultimate low when I would sneak into the cellar in the basement and drink a few beers. I hated what Edward made me become, and I hated his family even more for allowing him to do it. I hated feeling eaten alive, having no control over my thoughts. It all became routine for me. Usually the alcohol or painkillers would help me out with my pain, but I was always looking for something more. When days got especially rough for me, like when Jacob wasn't available and I was left wallowing in my deranged thoughts and aching body, I would shoot back some of Charlie's whiskey. Every time I took a sip, I'd feel the achy burn it left as it went down my throat, knowing it wouldn't be much longer until I didn't have to feel.

It was wrong for me to go to such extremes, but I was running out of options. It was a stupid thing to get caught up in drugs and alcohol, but I wanted to forget. And as much as I wanted to forget, and as much as I didn't deserve this, I still wanted to see Edward one last time. I just wanted to ask him why; ask him if it was me that had upset him so. I just wanted answers. I wanted closure.

As I sat at the school's picnic table all alone outside at lunch time, I closed my eyes and let the cool, fall breeze whirl around my hair, letting it fly all over my face. I ignored the nipping cold and squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to think about Edward's face, the way he would smirk at me when I did something stupid; the way he would furrow his eyebrows when something upset him; the special surprises that brought light and excitement in my life; the way he told me he loved me; the way his cool arms felt around my body as we laid in bed at night; the way he made love to me; the way he made promises; the way he never kept them; how he left me here with nothing but pain – nothing to live for…but him.

I tried every day to keep my mind from falling back on Edward, but sometimes I liked to think of him – remember him. I liked to reminisce about our time spent together. It wasn't helping my situation any or helping me get better, but I was fine. I was going to be okay…

"Bella?" a smooth, velvety voice called, causing my heart to immediately stop.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw Edward sitting directly across from me. My eyes grew wide and my chest tightened. I felt frozen in place. "Edward?" I wheezed out, feeling very dizzy. I was scared, not of him, but of moving or blinking in fear that he would disappear. I let out a low breath and stared intently, taking in every feature of his face. I swallowed thickly, my mouth suddenly very dry.

"My love. You are so strong." The corner of Edward's mouth pulled up a bit and he slowly placed his hand over mine.

I followed his movements and closed my eyes at the comforting sensation, allowing a tear to escape. I was anything but strong. "I…I…What?" I was officially losing it. It had to be the drugs. I refused to believe that Edward was actually here. It was impossible. As shock coursed through my body, and his touch sent electric currents through my veins, I relished his close proximity. My reaction to his touch also burned for his audacity to just waltz back into my life whenever he felt it was necessary. "Are…are you…are you really here?" I stuttered, my chest constricting so tightly it felt as though I would vomit. I shook uncontrollably.

"I'm here, my love. You have to calm down, Bella. You're suffering," he said, his golden, amber eyes boring into mine. "You're going to be okay now. I promise."

I sniggered and shook my head. "You promised a lot, Edward," I choked out, swallowing the painful lump in my throat. "I…I can't do this." His presence was too overwhelming, and it became very hard for me to breathe and tears started to pool in my eyes. I looked at him, and though his silhouette was blurry from my tears distorting my vision, I had to take him in one last time. My memory did him no justice.

"Please, Bella, stay with me."

My body felt like it burst into a million flames with anger.

"No! How dare you! You lied to me! You expect me to just forget everything and jump back into your arms? You have some nerve, Edward." I held back a sob, grabbed my bag quickly, and got up. I started to walk back towards the school, and not even a second later, Edward was standing in front of me. "Please…just…go." I closed my eyes wishing he would go away, wishing he would just stay. _Fuck_. I had so much I wanted to say to him. I wanted so badly to push him and scream on the top of my lungs, but I felt as though I couldn't move. My body was refusing to comply with my pleas to walk away.

When I open my eyes back up, Edward was gone. My body went painfully tense, and my stomach fell to the ground. Every breath I took was painful. He was gone…again. _Oh, God._ I quickly looked around everywhere, taking in my surroundings and found nothing. I balled my hands into fists at my side, on the verge of being swallowed by heartbreak all over again. I looked to forest in the distance behind the school, but I couldn't see any movements. Would he really rush out? I heard someone calling me in the distance, but I ignored it, continuing to frantically look around the school property for Edward.

"Bella…hey!" I looked over, knowing I couldn't avoid her, and steadied my vision on Angela. "Are you okay?"

I bit my lip and shook my head, trying to remain focused. It was hard; being that my body was trembling, aching to see Edward again, to talk to him. "I'm fine. Why?" I said, my voice quavering as tears streamed down my face.

Angela's worried expression told me she didn't believe I was fine. She walked up to me slowly and took my hand, and intertwined our fingers, squeezing it gently. I closed my eyes and started to sob, falling to my knees.

" Oh, my God, Bella!" Angela let go of my hand and dropped to her knees beside me. She wrapped me up in her arms and stroked my hair, whispering calming words to me. "What's going on? What just happened?"

I sank into her comforting embrace and held on for dear life. "He…he…"

Angela probably knew what I meant, even though I couldn't bring myself to tell her what happened. She rocked me back and forth gently. "Shhh, Bella, everything will be okay."

"Ang, it hurts. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to."

"Don't say that, Bella. Everything _will_ be okay. I promise," she said, placing her left cheek on my shoulder, and pulling me in tighter.

Even I could hear the uncertainty in her voice.


	13. Ice Water

Chapter Thirteen – Ice Water

**BPOV**

_His arms wrapped around me, and his embrace was warm, not cool like I was used to. I felt his warm lips press against the back of my neck and linger there. His intoxicating presence and scent soothed me, comforted me. I smiled and sighed contently. I had everything I wanted – my family, Edward, and immortality. I turned around and faced him, smiling. He smirked back at me and tucked my hair behind my ears and kissed the tip of my nose. He moved in closer and caught my lips with his, kissing me reverently, without any regard. He didn't need to anymore. He was mine, in every single meaning of the word. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him in closer, feeling so safe, so whole. I leaned back and took in each and every one of his features. My vision was clearer, more defined. He was as flawless as porcelain. His eyes bore into mine with certainty, love, adoration, and respect. My human sight hadn't done this beautiful creature any justice. His eyes shone the brightest Topaz, so bright, so hypnotizing. They swirled with want, with need. They glowed beautifully; almost making my dead heart beat again. He gave me everything; he gave me all he had, himself. We didn't need any words; the electric current charging and crackling between us spoke volumes. I felt incredibly happy, swelling my heart, my soul. As I stared directly into my husband's golden orbs and I could see his soul. The one soul I had finally convinced Edward he had._

"Everything is going to be okay, Bella," Angela insisted.

I pulled back from her embrace and shook my head. "No, it won't. He just left me here, again." I got up from the ground and wiped my knees. I glanced around the school property to see if I could see Edward anywhere. He really was gone. He'd vanished.

"What do you mean?" Angela asked, looking confused.

"Edward. He was just here…he was just-"

"Bella?" I looked at her again and bit my lip. Angela's reaction to my answer seemed off. "Okay. You know you're one of my greatest friends, right?"

I quirked my eyebrow and looked at her curiously. "Uh-huh." I nodded.

"Okay, well, that being said, you are officially worrying me."

I crossed my arms over my chest, and I felt heat spread through my veins. I held my breath, preparing myself for what Angela was about to say, knowing that it was no use. My anxiety sky rocketed, and my stomach tightened with worry. "How so?" I asked sarcastically.

She let out a low breath and pushed her glasses up before she spoke again. "When I was walking to my locker to gather my books for my next class, I glanced out the hallway window and saw you."

"And?"

"Well, um, how do I put this?"

"Anyway you want, Ang." My frustration was building rather quickly.

"You were talking and it looked like you were in a deep conversation, but there was nobody on the receiving end. Do you get what I'm saying?"

I thought for a moment and furrowed my eyebrows, taking in what Angela had just said. Realization suddenly fell into place and I looked at Angela, my eyes widening. "Oh, God, I have to go-"

_Edward didn't come back…Oh, God._

"No, Bella, don't go. I'm not judging you, I'm concerned about you. That's why I'm here. I'm not going to tell anybody. I just want to know what's going on."

Embarrassment, anger, fear, and sadness sucked me in again and it was all I could feel. Edward had managed to fuck my life up even more so. I needed to leave this situation quickly before it got way out of hand. I needed to numb the emotions that came with what had transpired. I needed to stall them, to keep them from building up and exploding into an excruciating pain I knew I wouldn't be able to handle.

I pushed my hands through my hair and started pacing in front of Angela. "I'm hallucinating! I can't do this anymore. What the hell am I turning into, Angela, what?"

"I-I," she stuttered, looking at me with fear in her eyes.

"Argh! I'm a fucking psychopath! Bella Swan goes crazy after love of her life leaves! I can just see the fucking gossip that would go around Forks once this gets out."

"No, Bella! Nobody else saw. That won't happen," she assured.

I glanced over at Angela and took a deep breath, calming myself down. The tension I was feeling along with the confusion and fear she felt wasn't getting us anywhere. She had been nothing but supportive and encouraging before and after Edward, so the least I could do was pay the same respect. "Look, I'm sorry, Ang. I gotta go."

I grabbed my bag off the ground and started to walk off.

"Bella! Wait," she called after me.

"Just leave me alone, okay! I'll be fine!"

I could feel her eyes on me as I made my way into the forest. At the back of my mind I worried about what would happen from here on out, where Angela and I stood. I prayed that even though I had snapped and been unfair to her, she wouldn't go around telling everybody. It was one thing after another. I should have just kept my mouth shut.

I pulled out the joint I had rolled before coming to school and sat down on the grass.

I smoked it until my worries went away, until I could no longer feel the pain, until all that surrounded me was a haze, until I forgot about what had just happened.

I laughed out loud.

_He loved me, he said he did. He had let me run away with him. We were creatures of the wind; we were wild as the wind. He had given me more than one crash, he satisfied my hungriness. When he touched me, I heard the sound of mandolins. When he kissed me, my life began. Like a leaf that clung to a tree, Edward did the same, he held onto me. _

I felt like some great, big disease. I could have taken a thousand showers and I still wouldn't be clean. I lay awake every night, knowing that I was falling deeper into this cycle more than I would have liked to. I regretted making the choice to choose drugs to help me cope. I fucking hated this. I just needed something – anything.

I tossed and turned, and thrashed between my sheets, seeking the solace I found when I was high, seeking anything to get rid of all the processed thoughts that I had fought away for almost three months. I was sweating and had drunk four glasses of ice water already. Nothing got rid of my urge, my craving for another pill, another toke.

I sat up and growled in frustration. I felt irritable, trapped. I wanted to scratch my skin until I felt free. I got up and walked into the bathroom and swung open the medicine cabinet. I rummaged through all the bottles on the shelves, reading all the labels, looking for one that would give me the hit I wanted. Nothing would take me away from this…_place_.

I was so angry.

I was so angry…at _him_.

Was this what he had wanted for me? How could this have been worse than immortality? Did Edward hate me that much, that he would curse me with this lifestyle? Alice had to have seen this coming, and that hurt more than I ever thought imaginable. I bit my knuckles and slammed the medicine cabinet shut. I jumped when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My skin was clammy and my forehead trickled with sweat. My eyes were glazed over and I looked frail. I backed away from my reflection until I hit the wall, which knocked my emotions right out of me. I slid down and cried.

It felt like I was tied up in chains. I hung my head in shame. One day I was going to drown in my own trouble waters. The water was already above my head, and I was drowning with nobody to save me.

I was scared.

I needed something…anything…please.

I closed my eyes as my chest's constriction tightened excruciatingly. I suddenly felt nauseous, knowing it was the withdrawal symptoms. I crawled over to the toilet and heaved inside; throwing up all the disgust I had in myself. I placed my forehead on the toilet seat and sighed, the cool plastic felt good on my skin.

After a few more bouts of nausea, I wiped my mouth clean with the towel and headed back to my room. I sat on my bed and contemplated about the idea that I had stirred up while I was vomiting. I swallowed thickly and picked up my cellphone.

It rang four times before he picked it up.

"Bella?" he inquired, sounding out of breath.

I didn't question it. I was feeling too selfish. "Jacob…I need to see you," I said, my voice quavering.

"You sound horrible. What the fuck happened?"

"I just…I'm just having a rough night. Can you come over?"

"Uh…I'm kind of busy."

I scoffed and shook my head. "Whatever." I hung up the phone and threw it across my room. I moved back farther on my bed and brought my knees up to my chest. I was damaged goods. Jacob didn't even want to see me anymore. Another wave of tears flowed out of me again. All this pain I felt was inhumane, I would never wish this sort of pain on anybody – not even Lauren. That stupid bitch.

I laid down in a fetal position, pulled the covers over my head, and begged for darkness to overcome me. To relieve me from the monster I had become, to relieve me from my craving – my addiction. I must have been one of the devil's daughters – not Charlie's.

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

My eyes shot open and my heart shot to my throat. I looked over at the window, but soon all hope fled, seeing it was just Jacob. Not that I wasn't relieved to see Jacob, but I wanted it to be…Edward.

I walked over to my window and pushed it open.

"Bella, are you okay?"

I shook my head and walked over to him, pushing my face into his chest crying. I felt his warm hand stroke my hair. He wrapped his other arm around me and held me tightly. Jacob – my barricade.

"No…N-no, I'm n-not okay, Jake."

Jacob walked me back over to my bed and we sat down. He pulled back and looked at me. "Bella, you're not looking so good these days. What the hell is going on? I'm scared."

I shot my head up and looked directly into his eyes. "Me, too."

Jacob's eyes grew with worry and he nodded, pulling me into his embrace again. "Tell me what's on your mind, Bella. Talk about it."

I shook my head involuntarily. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell him how shameful I had become.

"Please."

I backed away from him and rubbed my hands over my face. I knew I couldn't avoid it any longer. He needed to know, he deserved that much.

"Jacob, please, you have to help me!" I sobbed.

"Please tell me what's wrong, Bella," he insisted, sounding panicked.

"I feel like some great, big disease. I don't want this anymore."

"Don't want what?"

I bit my lip and looked at him. I didn't want to be judged. I stayed silent.

"Please, Bella, tell me what's going on. You've been…different lately. Like, what's with you buying pot off Seth? You barely return my calls, and you only come around when it's convenient for you. I'm your best friend, well, I'm supposed to be."

"Jake, you are…You are."

"Then prove it, Bells. Tell me what's going on."

I looked down at my hands and rung them together. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed, and I wanted to be somebody else. I didn't want to be cursed anymore. I was tired of crashing. I just wanted to be satisfied with everything – with my life. I longed for normalcy, something that I was willing to throw away at any time for Edward – the one who threw me away as fast as I would take him back. Pathetic.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts and focused back on Jacob. "I see him," I blurted out with no explanation.

Jacob furrowed his eye brows and thought for a moment. "You see him? See who?"

"E-Edward," I choked out.

Jacob clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists. "He's back? We would have known!" he growled out.

"N-no, he's not back. Wait, what do you mean you would have known?"

Panic took residence upon Jacob's features, which soon turned into anger. "What do you mean? He's not back, but you see him?"

I placed my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands. "I-I'm hallucinating him." I looked at him, expecting to see an amused expression, but was met with nothing but seriousness. I took his silence as a license to continue. "It's not just his voice I hear, I see him like he's actually present. He's not transparent, or distant. He's right there, right in front of me. I can touch him, talk to him, and he understands. He talks back…he…he can touch me. He feels and looks so real."

Jacob snorted, stood up, and started pacing my room. "I… I don't know what to say, Bella. I mean, you are taking this really hard. You have to get hel-"

"If you fucking say 'help,' Jacob, so help me," I seethed. "I'm not fucking crazy, okay? I don't need you telling me I need to see someone. I need _you_ to help me. Do you think I want this? If I did, I wouldn't have fucking called you at two in the morning!"

He held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm here for you. What can I do to help?"

"That's the part I don't know. I mean, I've only seen him once so far, so I don't know if it will happen again. But it started when I stopped…when I stopped coming down to La Push. I mean, you're my crutch, Jacob. You're, um, you're helping me forget, to get over him."

Jacob nodded and walked over to me, taking me into his embrace. "Okay, Bella, I'm here for you. Always. Let's just take some time to think this over. It's normal for someone to hallucinate." I looked up at him and quirked my eyebrow. "Okay, well, maybe not normal, but a majority of us have hallucinated before. We'll figure something out. Go see a doctor to check your head or something."

I pushed him away from me and crossed my arms over my chest, giving him a pointed look. "Seriously?"

"What I meant was just to take precaution. Maybe you hurt yourself and you didn't realize it. It could have happened. You weren't really coherent for a while, Bells."

Jacob wasn't good at being subtle, and I decided not to make a big deal out of it, being that he was helping me out more than he should. I was just thankful he was here. "Jake?"

"Mhm."

"Angela already knows. I mean, she…she saw me talking to him, well, to nobody."

"Did you explain what happened?"

"No," I responded, shaking my head. "I just yelled at her and skipped the rest of school. I was freaked out. I didn't know how to handle the situation. It was all brought on so fast…" I sighed.

"Don't worry about it, Bells. You could always explain it to her later. I'm sure she'd understand. She's your best friend after all, isn't she?"

_Alice was. _"She's a good friend, yeah."

"Okay, then. Enough said. I'm sure she'll be supportive. I mean, you told me and I haven't run away screaming," he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

I nodded in response and managed a small smile, but it soon faded. "I don't want this, Jacob."

He sat back down on my bed and rubbed my back. "I know, Bella. Nobody wants this for you."

I leaned over and hugged Jacob tightly. "Thank you," I whispered.

"You got it, Bella," he said, wrapping his arms around me.

_Everything was perfect, everything was in place. I wanted nothing more than the love that had surrounded me. I enjoyed killing the endless time Edward and I had. We crept and crawled all over the forest, not making a sound. I was bold, a fighter. I placed my eyes on my prey and stalked in, seeing Edward smile in my peripheral vision. He was proud of me, proud of what I had become. I crouched down and licked my lips, venom pooling in my mouth, preparing for my attack. I could smell the delicious scent of the strong, confident mountain lion. I climbed up the tree at lightning speed and crawled onto the branch, keeping my next meal in plain sight, never taking my eyes off him. I glanced at Edward who was now on the branch of the opposite tree, smiling at me still, his body language encouraging me to go ahead and get the prize. _

_My throat burned, ached to feel the hot, sticky goodness glide down and relieve my bloodlust. The scent of the mountain lion that lingered down below, and Edward's presence, made my frantic state an ultimate high. I had never felt more confident and believed in than when my beautiful husband was around. He nodded at me, letting me know that it was the right time to go after what I had wanted most, second to Edward. Before I could jump on the back of my pray, there was a break in the clouds, allowing the sun's rays to shine upon us. I looked at my arms and took in the beautiful creature I had become. I looked at Edward and I jerked my head to the side, motioning him to come over. When he steadied himself on the branch, he pushed himself off and flew from the tree he was on to mine. The way he sparkled through the air was breathtaking – surreal. _

_I took his warm hand in mine and squeezed gently. I smiled and motioned my head towards the mountain lion. We both nodded once and jumped down together, having our first meal – together – as husband and wife._

I had talked to Angela and sorted everything out. I could ruin my life, but I wouldn't ruin the lives of the people around me.

Each day I found it better to cope with the fact that I didn't have Charlie's painkillers to falsely patch up my wounds. After Jacob had left last night, I spent the rest of it thinking that my life was changing being without Edward and it was, in fact, going to take some getting used to. I knew I wasn't sober, but I was willing to take the step ahead and face what I had lost. That was why I was sitting in the middle of the meadow, the meadow that would always be mine and Edward's.

I had a few hours to kill before I went to see Jacob. He was having a party at the res, and I thought what better way to meddle back into society by going to a party. At school yesterday, I had invited a few people to satisfy Charlie. I wasn't planning on hanging out with them, but I had to keep up appearances.

It was my first day without my emotional padding and I felt vulnerable. I wanted to avoid people at all costs, so I could get used to the feeling of being exposed, to my old life ending and my new one beginning. I knew I needed to face what had happened before I did anything else.

So, I lay back on the grass and looked up above at the grey, overcast sky and took a deep breath, bracing myself.

I closed my eyes tightly, willing my closure to come forth.

"Edward? Can you hear me?"


	14. Epiphany

Chapter Fourteen: Epiphany

**BPOV**

"Edward?" I swallowed hard and kept my eyes closed tight. My apprehension gutted me, begging to relieve the tension by opening up my eyes, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. I didn't know what I was more scared of – the fact that Edward would be standing in front of me, or opening my eyes and seeing that he never appeared. It was a twisted cycle for sure.

I never thought my life would take such a direction in its course. I missed everybody so much – I ached to see the Cullens every second of each day. Questions left my curiosity spiked, whether I was high or not. Where were they? Were they safe? Did they ever think of me? Did Edward ever think of me? Did he miss me as much as I missed him? Did Alice ever "see" me? I wanted answers.

And if I had to ask a hallucinated Edward these questions, that was exactly what I would do.

I bared myself and clenched my fists to my side. I opened my eyes slowly and swallowed thickly. I quickly sat up and looked around, my heart breaking all over again when I wasn't met with Edward. I wiped my tears that I didn't know had fallen and continued to as more fell. I was a lost cause.

I let out a low breath and growled at my own absurdity. Quickly, my irritability turned into hysterics. I was crying, laughing, aching, and dying to scream all at once. I couldn't handle the fact that I hadn't taken anything to get rid of the emotional ride I took whenever I was off them.

I stood up harshly and looked around the meadow frantically.

"Is that what you wanted? C'mon, Edward, are you happy now?" I heard my voice echo my questions through the trees. "Does it make you and your fucking family laugh to see me like this? I HATE you!"

I sobbed loudly, and covered my mouth to try and stifle my cry. I fell to my knees, and was yet again, swallowed by my agonizing reality. I shook my head, knowing that I couldn't stay like this. I couldn't handle what was before me; I couldn't deal with this without the help of an induced high.

I needed something.

I went into my pocket and grabbed out the joint I had rolled. It was my first day of becoming sober, but I planned ahead. I didn't want to smoke the weed, but it was too painful to deal with what my life was. I needed it…I just did.

Toke.

Inhale.

Hold.

Exhale.

I did this until only the roach appeared between my thumb and forefinger. I closed my eyes and my body relaxed, immediately feeling limp. My mind calmed down and suddenly my problems weren't my own. They were the other Bella's. The ones I had to deal with when I wasn't high.

I could suddenly put my life aside and take in my surroundings. I could feel the cool, damp air on my face, smell the wet earth, and hear the spits of rain hitting the leaves of the trees. I could hear the birds in the distance; I could hear my heart beat wildly.

I smiled.

I was free – for now.

I walked over to the big tree that lined the side of the meadow, but before I could sit down, my clumsiness got the best of me, and sent me flying over an above ground root. When I fell I smacked my head against trunk and screamed out. I put my hand to my forehead and looked at it, thankful that it was just a few trinkets of blood. I took the sleeve of my sweater and held it to my forehead for a few minutes, allowing the flow of blood to come to a complete stop. I sighted heaving, glad that I couldn't feel the full effect of the pain that I had endured – the weed had numbed my senses.

Good.

I brought my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around them, and placed my head down. I didn't know how long I had stayed in that position, and I really didn't care.

"My love?"

I opened my eyes, feeling groggy, but I didn't lift my head from my knees. My heart pounded wildly in my chest and my breathing hitched. I closed my eyes and prepared myself to meet the love of my life – my existence. Always.

I had to be strong. I couldn't just let him waltz back in my life, real or hallucination. I couldn't.

I looked at him and tears immediately streamed down my face. He was so beautiful.

I quickly dismissed my soft spot for Edward and glared at him, dying to punch him with all the strength I had, but I kept my cool. "Why?" I blurted out, not wanting to wait any longer.

"I'm sorry," he answered dejectedly.

"You showed so much disgust in me, Edward. Why do you hate me so much? Why did you do this to me?" I got up and walked towards him, feeling the electric shock sparking between us. It was still there – still hope.

He clenched his jaw and looked away from me. "Bella, I-"

"Look at me! Look at what you broke, Edward. Look at what you have done. Look at me!" I wailed out, unable to control the pain of his leaving me anymore.

He finally looked at me, and I stared directly into his golden orbs, swirling with sympathy and despair. I took in his frown lines, the dark circles under his eyes. Edward suddenly didn't look very well, and I found myself concerned about his feelings, rather than my broken heart.

I was crying profusely now. It was the only thing I could do to keep my heart from bursting from my own pain along with Edward's. I had no reason to give a shit about how he felt about wrecking my whole life, but he was my love – my everything. I wasn't as cruel as Edward. I had loved him – I still do.

"I'm so sorry, my love." He inched closer to me, and I closed my eyes, feeling his close proximity crackling the electric current between us.

"You can't be sorry, Edward. Why haven't you come back? Why am I hallucinating you! Where is _my _Edward?"

He looked down and sighed. "I wish there was something I could do to heal your pain, Bella. The last thing I wanted was for you to endure such pain as this. I…I just wish-"

"Just wish what, Edward!" I snapped angrily. I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting impatiently for his answer. Edward shook his head, refusing to go on with his answer. "No, you don't get to hold answers from me anymore. I deserve answers, Edward! I deserve to let you go and move on!" Edward started to walk towards me again, agony traced all over his features. He looked as though he had lost somebody he loved. Good. I hope he had felt that way, too.

As he walked closer, I was tied down and suddenly felt mute. I couldn't fight him off anymore. His scent surrounded me and I was lost within him once again. It comforted me like my high did. It had all come together for me in that moment. I smoked pot, knowing that it gave me the comfort and protection that Edward had given to me when he was around. I was soothed, safe, and loved. It gave me a sense of security – which made me believe that everything was going to be okay, that I could handle anything that had come on my path.

It gave me everything that Edward provided, yet lacked what I had wanted most – him and his love.

He placed his cold, stone-like hand over my heart, and I closed my eyes, letting the coolness soothe my aching chest. I enveloped myself in Edward's touch, silently begging for more. I couldn't come right out and say it, or else he would know I had forgiven him. I never hated him to begin with.

The feeling that soared through my body at Edward's touch, swelled my heart to the extent where I sobbed in relief. I knew I was fooling myself, knowing that this was all fake, that soon my reality would hit me and I would be more hurt than I was left off at, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I wanted what I had and nothing was going to take that away from me. I wanted Edward in any way I could receive him, and if a hallucination was the only way, then so be it.

I opened my eyes and looked up, staring him directly into his eyes. I placed my hand over the one he had laid on my chest.

"I just wish that you could forgive me. That you won't be upset when this is all over." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and thought about what he said. In doing so, I lifted my hand and placed it on the side of his face, stroking my thumb over his cheek. He leaned into my touch, and I wanted to smile, but I held it back. Nothing was okay right now. Nothing was getting better, and I wasn't getting any happier. I knew this was all in my head. Edward wasn't really here because he didn't want to be. He had never loved me. I was a waste of his time. The only reason why "Edward" was here was here because my induced high felt like amusing me.

It wasn't amusing.

"When what is all over, Edward? Do you honestly think things aren't over now? When you left everything for me fell apart. You don't know how much I want you back. Please…" I sniffed and turned away from him. The pain was excruciating. It suffocated me and I was gasping for air.

Edward placed his hand on the side of my cheek, forcing me to look at him. I took my hand way from his face and placed it over his hand on my cheek. I turned my head, allowing me to kiss the center of his palm. His cool touch ignited flames throughout my body, licking every inch of my insides. I relished in the feel of his closeness. Time was winding down, and I knew at some point that this had to end. It was a mistake for me to kiss him, pulling me in further to my pain when all this dissipated.

A fraction of my sorrow laced my heart, pulling me in to remember what Edward had put me through. I immediately opened my eyes and pulled back from his touch.

"Bella, please. I will always hold the regret of putting you through this. You will always have me, Bella. You will always be mine."

I put my hands over my face and cried. His words sounded so good, so hopeful. I looked at him through my blurry vision, holding back my urge to run after him and kiss him. "Then…then do something," I sobbed.

Edward turned away from me and screamed, "I'm doing everything I can!"

Fear drilled through me. The scene changed so quickly, and I didn't know what the hell was going on. I was confused. "Edward…Edward who are you talking to?" I stuttered out, afraid that things weren't going to go smoothly anymore.

Edward looked over his shoulder, but before he could answer me, he looked towards the trees and crouched down. I shook my head in confusion. I glanced towards the trees, but looked back at Edward when a venomous growl came from deep within his chest.

I opened my eyes wide, taking in the angry vampire before me, having no idea where the anger was directed. "Stay away from her, you mutt," he growled out.

I knitted my eyebrows together. "Mutt?" I followed Edward's gaze and looked towards the trees. My eyes widened in fear and a scream erupted from my chest. I back up and tripped, yet again, over the same uplifted root. I stared at the russet colored wolf in the distance before me. He didn't move or make a sound, but I could tell he was on guard, his chest heaving up and down. I stared directly into the eyes of the wolf, but they were nothing but sympathetic. I swallowed hard and looked back at Edward.

He was gone.

I closed my eyes, laughing because this had to be a part of my hallucination. I shook my head before I opened my eyes back up.

I opened them and the wolf was still standing there. The vibe around me told me I was no longer hallucinating, that I was in fact, back in my reality.

Shit.

I got up frantically and fumbled trying to grab my backpack. I turned around and started running. The wolf howled, piercing my ears, making my heart beat even faster. I covered my ears and looked back, shocked at how massive this wolf was. He was half the size of the huge Evergreens that laced the forest. I remembered thinking as I ran away that it looked phenomenal and wanted to stay and see what happened.

I quickly dismissed my intrigue.

What the hell had just happened?

I couldn't even fucking decipher what was real or fake anymore.

I turned back around and ran as though my life depended on it.

After a long hot shower and a three hour nap, my nerves were officially shot. I lay in bed with my head spinning because of constantly thinking of what the hell had happened at the meadow. Everything happened so fast, and I had no answers to feed my curiosity.

What was real and what wasn't? Not being able to tell scared me half to death. I thought about telling Charlie about the beasts that hid in the forest, but I didn't even know if it was my own imagination playing games with me. I hallucinated Edward and he saw the wolf, so that must have meant I was hallucinating the wolf as well.

Right?

I sighed and pushed my hand through my hair, letting out a low breath. Maybe I could run this by Jacob. Again, if I was hallucinating the wolf, maybe he could tell me what it meant. Maybe he could tell me why I would hallucinate something like that. Why it would stick around after Edward had vanished.

I shook my head and got up, grabbed my purse, and left my room. I walked downstairs and left Charlie a note stating I was going down to La Push for Jacob's party, and that if he needed anything to call my cellphone.

I took my cell out of my bag and noticed I had one new message. I flipped it open and saw that it was from an unusual number, one that I had never seen before.

**We need your help.**

I furrowed my eyebrows at the text message and deleted it. I didn't know who it was from, and I didn't plan on wasting money to find out. "We need your help" should have freaked me out, but I had my limit of "freaked out" for the day. I refused to worry about anything else. My sanity was hanging on by a thread.

I got in my truck and started driving down to La Push. I was nervous to face everybody and put on a fake act. After this afternoon, I wasn't sure I was ready to face everybody and move on. Edward left me wanting more answers. Since I left the forest I was constantly analyzing our conversation. It was as though he was trying to tell me something, but never got the chance because of that "mutt."

It irritated me more than rational. I wanted to figure it out. I was ready to ditch the party, get high, and "talk" to Edward in order to put the mind puzzle together. I swallowed thickly and refused to think of Edward for the rest of the night. I needed to take this as an opportunity to let go and move on. Edward seemed to have done it, so why couldn't I?

I pulled up into Jacob's make-shift driveway an saw him laughing with Seth and Embry on the porch. A car pulled up next to me and I looked over, seeing Jessica, Mike, Angela, and Eric getting out of Jessica's blue Mazda 3.

They all smiled and waved, and I gave them one wave back, dreading the forced conversation that I would have to endure throughout the night. I let out a low breath and looked up, catching Jacob looking at me with a worried expression on his face. I hated looks of worry and pity. I loathed them.

I had thought about pulling out a joint and hitting a few tokes on my way here, but I didn't believe in getting high and driving. I would ruin my own life, but not somebody else's. I brought it just in case I was in desperate need to flee away from reality. I was still broken and to just walk alone with no safety guard was a bad idea. I was willing to take the first step into becoming totally healed and grab my old life by the hand, but I needed to take baby steps

I got out of the truck and shoved my hands deep in my jacket pockets. I wasn't used to socializing in big groups of people except for school. I bee-lined it for Jacob, knowing that he would make the whole situation comfortable for me, and he wasn't the type of person to leave me out.

I saw Seth pull a beer out of the cooler and offer me one as I walked up the steps. "Nah, that's cool, Seth," I declined, stopping beside Jacob. He automatically put his arm around my shoulder, and I sighed in contempt.

"Awh, c'mon, Bells. It's a party!"

Before I could decline again, he was pulling the cap off and handing it to me.

One beer wouldn't hurt.

I took the beer and nodded one once at him. "Uh, thanks," I mumbled.

"Bella!" Angela called, running up the porch steps, the rest of the gang following.

"Ah, hey." I looked at Jacob, Seth, and Embry and introduced everybody.

"Hey," the guys said in unison.

"Do you guys wanna beeer?" I offered, rummaging through all the brands. Everybody agreed, and I passed cans of beers along.

After all the introductions, we finally made our way inside and sat on the couches. Sam, Leah, and Emily, Jacobs's res friends, came for the party as well. I hated the fact that it was crowded, but I didn't mind, being that everybody pretty much just left me alone. I only had to nod and waves a few times to my relief.

I got up off the couch and tried to find Jacob, but to no avail. I figured he was mingling with everybody, so I decided to stop my search and chill out and walk around. I ended up in the kitchen and I glanced around at the crowds of people chatting. It was getting really packed in Jacob's place. I wasn't sure if he had expected it to get this big. I looked to my right and saw Jessica and Mike hanging out by the counter with a bottle of tequila and two shot glasses. They were laughing, kissing, and hugging. I cringed because it reminded me of Edward

I couldn't think of Edward right now. I knew of one thing that would allow that to happen.

"Hey, you got an extra shot?" I asked, walking towards them.

"Hey, Bella-Bo-Bella!" Mike yelled out. I quirked my eyebrow and they laughed. I didn't need drunken endearments, I needed alcohol.

I grabbed the bottle and poured myself a shot.

"Bella! You're alive!" Jessica slurred.

I shook my head at her and swung back the shot, wincing as it burned down my throat, and relaxed when I felt it warm up my stomach.

I looked at Jessica. "Of course I'm alive, Jessica."

"Edward sucks!" I winched and poured another shot, ignoring what she had said, not saying a word.

I loved Edward.

I swung the shot back, and then a few more.

Three.

Four.

Five.

"Bella, save some for us, man," Mike complained, smiling, grabbing the bottle away from me. He poured himself a shot and swung it back.

I found myself laughing at his reaction.

Me, Bella Swan, was laughing.

Suddenly the tequila hit me and I found myself in a drinking contest with Embry. We were chugging back cans of beer, seeing who could drink it the fastest. I couldn't keep focus on anything, not even my vision. Hearing and seeing everybody around me seemed to comfort me some. It was unusual for me to seek out people's attention, but it felt good to have people around – people who wanted to be around.

"Bella, you are a super star!" Embry laughed, creating the rest of the crowed to cheer. It was me and Embry in the middle of the kitchen with a majority of the party in a circle surrounding us. "Who wants to challenge Bella? She's a tough chick!"

I threw my head back and laughed, twirling myself around as I held up the tequila bottle. The song _Chop and Change_ by The Black Keys came on, and I belted out in song. "Come on everybody sing with me!" I heard everybody roar out in laughter, and I took a swig from of the tequila bottle.

I looked over and saw Jacob standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. I handed him the bottle and curled my finger, encouraging him to come in the circle and start dancing. His unimpressed look didn't falter, so I turned and ignored him, continuing to party it up with the rest of the party.

"The girl knew how to chop and change! Chop and change!" we all sang in unison. The instrumental part came on and we all put our hands above our heads and clapped away.

It was amazing.

I felt alive.

I felt free.

I felt good.

"Okay, guys, spread out," Jacob demanded. He grabbed my arm, and I looked at him, scowling.

"Jacob, let go of me," I snapped, trying to remove myself from his grasp.

"Bella, I think you've had enough." He gave me a pointed look, not letting go.

I stopped struggling for a moment and looked directly into his eyes. "You are not going to tell me when I've had enough. You wanted me to come to this damn party so let me fucking party! You wanted me to have fun and meddle within society, well then, let me do it!" I pulled away from his grasp and he finally let me go, watching me walk into the crowd of people.

I looked back to see him walking away. I felt guilty for snapping at him like I had, but I was a big girl. I didn't like when people told me to do thing or made decisions for me. I was my own person. The person Jacob begged me to be when Edward left.

"_You're my prey, Bella. It's not natural for us to be together," Edward said._

I closed my eyes, willing away the memory, but my attention got diverted when I heard Jessica screeching my name. "Bella! Have you ever tried a blowjob?" My eyes bulged out of my head and I chuckled.

"A blowjob?" I said, skeptically.

"You pig! Not that kind of blowjob. This is a shot." She pushed a shot glass with dark liquid inside and whipped cream on top. I looked at it then returned my gaze back to her. "See, you're not supposed to use your hands when you drink it. Then, when you use your mouth, the whipped cream goes on your face…Whipped cream on your face…cu-"

"I get it, Jess!" I interrupted before she could go further into explanation. I stumbled back a bit as I tried to remain focused on my surroundings. It was getting harder and harder by the minute. I was drunk for sure. I looked around and saw all eager eyes on me, waiting for me to take the shot. I shrugged and slugged it back, no questions or hesitations.

I swallowed it and scrunched up my nose. I tasted it before I spoke up. "Hmm, it's pretty good," I confessed.

"I know, right!" Jessica squealed, throwing her arm around Mike. "For guys, they have to do the shot called the 'Orgasm,'" Jessica laughed. She leaned over and kissed Mike right on the lips.

My heart sunk a bit. I grabbed Jessica's attention again, so I wouldn't have to endure anymore PDA.

"Jessica, where is Angela?"

She giggled and pointed towards the living room. "Oh, over there in like space or something. She's flirting with Eric."

I nodded my head and left them to have their drunken make-out session and stumbled out of the kitchen. I bumped into Jacob as I walked into the hallway and stumbled back. Jacob grabbed my arm and steadied me. I looked up at him and smiled, but he was scowling at me.

"What?"

He snorted and shook his head. "You're a hardcore partier now?"

"Jake, please don't start this."

"No, I think you pretty much took care of that."

"What the hell is your problem?" I looked at him incredulously and shook my head in frustration. "It's like you've never seen somebody drunk or having fun before."

"Well, I know you're not doing this to have fun, Bella. You're drowning yourself."

"Fuck off, Jake. I can take care of myself."

"Is that what you told Edward today?" I snapped my head up and stared directly in his eyes. Heat crept up my neck and spread throughout my cheeks.

"What? How…How do you know-"

"Jake, my man! We're gonna head outside on the patio. Wanna come with us," Sam slurred.

A sudden bout of nausea overcame me and I rushed into the washroom. I closed the door behind me and leaned against the back of it. I took in a deep breath, just needing a break from it all. I needed to get a hold of my bearings. If Jacob was insinuating that he had seen me in the forest today, I was officially mortified. It was one thing that he knew, but to see me during one of my episodes crossed a line. Fuck. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask him. Why he never called me out on it or ran after me when he saw me running away. Why didn't he call earlier or why didn't he tell me flat out that he had seen me.

I was so confused. I was so caught up in this unhealthy vicious cycle and it needed to stop. I wanted answers. It seemed the more help and answers I had gotten, the more help I needed and it set me back farther.

I was a broken record.

I walked over to the sink and splashed some water on my face, immediately feeling better. I looked at myself in the mirror and stared at my unhappy expression. Even though I couldn't feel the pain and sorrow I felt, my bodies reactions still went on like it did. I could never run away from Edward. I could never get over him. Why should I even try? I shook my head and chuckled.

I didn't see point in trying to maintain this fake happiness that I seemed to play out well enough in front of people. If I was without Edward, I wanted nothing. I didn't exist when he wasn't with me. There was no one else for me except for Edward. As long as he was no longer with me, I was no longer available to anybody else. He was my soul mate, my air, my life.

I shook my head and let out a low breath. I continued to look myself in the mirror when I noticed that it was on an angle. I looked around the frame and noticed it was also a medicine cabinet. I looked to the door knob to see if it was locked, and pushed it down. I slowly opened up the cabinet, making sure that no squeaky sound came from the hinges. It squeaked lightly, and I stopped moving it. I could hear my heart pound wildly within my chest, and my eyes were wide open with worry of getting caught. I swallowed hard and maneuvered my head to see the contents of the cabinet. I looked over a few bottles and came across one of Billy's prescriptions.

I carefully took it out and read the label. Tylenol three. Another bottle of painkillers. I bit my lip, internally berating myself for even thinking of something so reckless, so…morally corrupt. Billy needed them, but my selfishness won over, and I put the tiny bottle in my pocket. I let out a low breath and quickly closed the cabinet doors.

I had just stolen Billy's painkillers.

I had just sunk to a brand new low.

I hated myself even more.

I practically jumped out of my skin when there was a knock on the bathroom door. "Bella, you in there?" Jacob asked. I closed my eyes, unable to open the door and face him. He knocked again. "C'mon, Bells, I know you're in there. Open up."

I pushed my hand through my hair and composed myself, opening up the door and looking at him. "Hey," I said, barely above a whisper.

"Are you okay?" I nodded. "Well you were in there for a while. You wanna lie down?"

"Relaxing sounds good…I mean, we need to talk, Jake." Jacob's face fell and he looked around, not acknowledging me. "Jake, don't ignore me!" I looked around and saw a few members of the party look our way. I grabbed Jacob's bicep and pushed so he turned to face me. "Jacob?" I repeated sternly.

He stared down at me and fear drilled through my bones. My throat tightened with worry. "Fine," he spat. "Just let me get rid of all these people." He started to walk away upset, and I panicked.

"Jake?" He turned to look at me. "You don't have to end the party. We could-"

"Don't worry about it, Bella. It had to finish sometime. Just…go to my room, I'll be there soon."

I nodded in response, unable to say anything because of his harsh tone. If anybody was upset, it should have been me. Since I had arrived to the party he had been acting strange. Every so often I would look around and catch him glaring at me, watching my every more.

I suddenly felt very insecure and I started thinking the worst. I pushed my hand through my hair and swallowed thickly, making me way to Jacob's room. I shut the door, but didn't bother turning on the lights. The glow of the security light outside and the moons luminance lightened up the room enough.

I paced slowly across Jacob's room as he ended the party. I was trying to find the best way to talk this out with Jacob. How was I going to explain what happened? I didn't even know. I just wanted this all to end already. I hated having to find excuses or my next drug…

Life wasn't worth it anymore. I didn't know if it was because I was drunk or because I honestly didn't find any more hope within my life anymore. I was tired of hurting, worrying, thinking, crying, begging. I was tired of being without Edward.

There were days that I would think outside the box and wonder where the Cullens would be. There were days where I had honestly known where they were and wanted more than anything to get on a plane and go. All of this was so…toxic.

I had told myself repeatedly that I knew I could get over Edward, and that I didn't need the drugs. I could think for myself and make rational decisions, but subconsciously, there I was, rolling a joint. I would constantly tell myself that today was a new day, and that I would stay sober, yet in thinking so, I was swallowing back a painkiller. It was though I had no choice how I led my life anymore, and I needed help.

I couldn't fathom doing this alone, and I knew that honesty was the best policy. I had to let Jacob in on everything that I was going through. No white lies and no beating around the bush.

Enough was enough. I was done.

I nodded in agreement with myself and crossed my arms over my chest. I walked up to his window and looked out at La Push beach. I opened the window and let the cool ocean breeze flow in, instantly calming my nerves and giving me a sense of solace. I closed my eyes and breathe in the salty air deeply, willing away my drunken state. I felt myself becoming more coherent, the alcohol finally leaving my system. I caught some movement in my peripheral vision and looked over, seeing my friends and Jacob's friends leaving the party. I sighed in relief.

I jumped when there was a knock at the door and I turned around. "You can come in, Jake, it's your room," I chuckled. The door opened slowly and my heart stopped and my chest constricted. "H-hey," I stuttered. I tucked my hair behind my ears and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Hey, Bella," Edward said, solemnly.

_Not now, not now, not now, _I panicked to myself.

Pushing back my worry, something came over me and my heart pounded wildly within my chest. I just wanted to feel whole again. I wanted him. I walked over to Edward and he opened his arms, ready to embrace me in his cool arms. I wrapped my arms around his torso and pulled him into me, never wanting to let go.

"Don't go," I whispered.

I felt his cool hand rub soft circles a long my back and he sighed. "I'm not going anywhere, Bella."

I back away a little, but never left Edward's embrace. I looked into his beautiful, golden orbs. I would never get tired of looking at them.

I knew this was wrong of me, and defied everything I worked so hard to forget, but when I was in the presence of Edward, none of it mattered. As if it never happened. He had never hurt me or left me. It felt as if he was here with me all along.

I would always forgive Edward.

I had forgiven him…a long time ago.

I loved him.

I closed the distance between us and stopped when my lips were mere inches away from his. I inhaled a shaky breath, knowing this was what I had waiting three months for. I stared at his lips moments longer before I brought my focus on Edward's eyes. I licked and bit my bottom lip in anticipation.

He smiled at me and my heart swelled with love. I placed my hands on both sides of my face and finally closed the distance between us. I locked my lips with his and pressed deeply. The way his cool lips devoured every inch of mine sent shivers down my body.

I pulled back and swallowed in shock that I had actually kissed Edward again. Real or not. "I love you, Edward."

Before I knew it, I was pushed and I fell back on the floor. As I tried to stumble back to my feet, his voice stopped me.

My heart stopped. No…please….

"What the fuck, Bells?" Oh, God. "As if you just fucking called me Edward!" he yelled.

_Jacob_.


	15. Epiphany part two

Epiphany Part Two

*Sorry guys! For some reason part of the chapter didn't upload. So here is the rest of chapter 14. Chapter 15 should be up soon.

I crawled on my hands and knees, scurrying to pick up all the pills before Jacob realized exactly what they were. I had done enough damage.

I had kissed him thinking it was Edward.

I heard his hard footsteps walk across the floor. He bent over and grabbed the hand which I had grabbed a majority of the pills with. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, pleading for him to just understand. He looked from me, to my hand, to the bottle on the floor.

His face was full of anger, maybe even hate. My heart pounded wildly, threatening to break free from my chest. Everything was moving as if it were in slow motion.

Jacob grabbed the pill bottle and read the label. I was caught.

"Are these my father's fucking painkillers?" Jacob seethed. He scrambled to pick up the remaining pills on the floor and scowled at me. "Answer me!"

I winced and opened and closed my mouth a few times in attempt to say something, but I had nothing to defend myself with. I had no excuse.

He raised his hand and threw the pills in my face. I screamed out in shock and slid across the floor until I was against the wall. I was scared. I looked back up at him, still speechless. I took in his frame before me. He towered over me with his hands balled into fists at his side, shaking uncontrollably.

"Jake? Are…are you okay?" I stuttered out, my throat constricting.

"Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. House."

I stood up quickly and walked towards him. I shook my head. "No, Jake. Please, just let me explain."

"GET OUT!" He pushed me towards the door, and I started crying.

I opened the door quickly and ran out of the house. I knew I was drunk, but I had sobered up a bit from my fear. I had no choice but to drive.

As I jumped into my truck and started the engine, I pushed my foot down on the accelerator and went as fast as I could.

I cried all the way home, afraid of what tomorrow would bring. I had never been scared of Jacob. He had never been this aggressive. He showed hatred, rage, disgust…

Something about him was different.

I jumped and was quickly taken out of my thoughts when I heard a loud howl coming from the forest beside the main road.

I shook my head, ignoring it.

I needed help.

I breathed in deeply and took the first step into achieving my look for help. I grabbed the baggie of pot out of my pocket and threw it out the window, along with my lighter and pipe.

I had to make a change and it started tonight.

Enough was enough.


	16. Life on Earth

Chapter Fifteen – Life on Earth

**BPOV**

_I was standing in front of Charlie for the first time in two years. He looked at me with stern features, but I could tell by his eyes that he was happy, that he was glad I was within arm's reach. Edward squeezed my hand, and I looked up him. He nodded at me, letting me know that Charlie's thoughts were nothing but kind and loving._

_I looked back at Charlie and let go of Edward's hold on my hand. I inched closer to him, hoping that he would allow me within his embrace. I hesitantly took steps towards him, but stopped when I was afraid he would mutter disapproving thoughts._

_Charlie reached out his hand and touched my hair, taking in all of my features. He placed his hand on the side of my face, and I closed my eyes at the parental comfort of my father. I had missed him so much._

"_Bella, is it…is it really you?" he choked out._

_I smiled and nodded. "Yeah, Dad, it's me."_

_He pulled me into his embrace and choked back a sob."Oh, God, I've missed you, Bells."_

Sunday had been pretty much uneventful. I stayed in bed all day with the worst hangover, but my withdraw symptoms didn't go unnoticed. I craved badly yesterday, as I did now. It had taken every fiber of my being not to drive back down the road and get the pot I had thrown out the window. It took an extreme amount of will power to achieve one day completely clean. I had hope, but yet I still felt hollow, knowing that I could relapse. I tried to push back the negativity, but it was hard, being that ever since Edward left it was all I surrounded myself with.

It was harder than I had ever imagined, and I was lucky enough to be able to contain myself. It was scary being faced with my harsh reality, to see the damage that I had done. I had pushed Charlie away and neglected him more than he deserved. It hurt me deeply when I found out how much I had shrugged off and forgotten, or never gave a second thought to when I was high. I pushed so many people away—I hurt so many people. The one person who had betrayed and hurt me the most was the one I had focused all my time on—admittedly, I still did. I had taken my first step of redemption towards Charlie. He was the one I needed to focus my time on. I allowed the guilt to pile up on top of my shoulders, being that I deserved to feel bad for making the people who loved me worry—panic. I had cooked us his favorite meal last night—fish fry—and we finally had a light, but heartfelt conversation. I was glad he was okay.

Now that I was on my second day without drugs, craving them wasn't completely out of my system. I didn't need the drugs, I only depended on them. My mentality state through my addiction was that I looking for an escape route—a way to see Edward and not feel a damn thing. In my eyes it had been perfect—too easy. I was slightly proud of myself to finally taking a deep breath in and realizing life for what it was worth. I would always miss Edward and I would always love him, but I needed to focus on loving myself instead. Though he had hurt me deeply—ripped my heart to shreds—I still had an inkling that he wouldn't have wanted this life for me. He was an amazing gentleman, and I figured he was hurting, so he needed to direct his feelings elsewhere. I was at peace with that now. I didn't want or need drugs in my life anymore. Whether I was high or not, Edward wasn't fully with me, and it was by his choice. My heart, after so many months, _still_ stung at the thought. I was also at peace with the fact that my heart would always be a dull ache in his absence. It was proof that I had loved him so and I would never regret anything. Edward was my first love—my first everything.

As I arrived home from school and made my way inside, I noticed a note from Charlie stuck to the fridge stating he would be late. Figured. I dropped my schoolbag on the floor and pulled out some steak and fixings to make a salad.

I set everything on the counter together and left it there for later. I grabbed a glass out of the cupboard, filled it with water, and made my way into the living room to relax for a bit. I walked towards the TV to turn it on, but before I reached the power button, a soft, honey-filled voice startled me.

"Bella?"

I started trembling and dropped my glass of water on the carpet and closed my eyes, a tear falling down my cheek. My anxiety soared and I ground my teeth together.

This wasn't happening.

I wasn't high.

I didn't do anything to deserve this.

I opened my tear filled eyes and stared at the wall behind the TV, staying frozen in place, refusing to look back at her. I swallowed hard. I breathed in my shaking breathes, trying to remain calm.

"Bella, can you turn around for me? Are you okay?"

I balled my hands into fists at my side and whipped around to face her. She was beautiful, just as I remembered her. Her kind, loving eyes glowing with sympathy and comfort, and her honey, chestnut colored hair flowing past her shoulders. She had a small smile on her face as she reached out her hand, urging me to take it.

I found myself walking closer and placing my hand in hers. It was cold –comforting. I felt like I was at home, like I was where I belonged. It felt so good to have my hand in hers. She took away every single negative feeling flowing through my body. She made me feel as though I could overcome any difficult feeling that I had to be faced with.

I suddenly lost it, and I succumbed to the relief I felt and sunk into her embrace. "Esme, is it really you?" I choked out.

She stroked my hair and rocked me back and forth. "My darling, it's me."

I looked up and her and furrowed my eyebrows, instantly aware that I was hallucinating. "I'm hallucinating. You're not real. I know you're not real." I struggled to get out of her embrace and when I did, I backed away from her. "Just leave. I refuse to be sucked back into this."

"Edward needs you, darling," Esme cooed, getting up from the couch.

"Yeah, well, where was he when I needed him?"

"He's waiting for you."

I laughed bitterly and crossed my arms over my chest. "He left me, Esme! I'm waiting for him!"

"He loves you so much, my love. He can't wait for you to wake-"

"Bella?" Charlie interrupted.

No! Wake what? Wake up? I couldn't ask her to clarify, or Charlie would undoubtedly know I was going insane. I looked at her again and she was staring at me with despair written all over her face. I wanted more than anything to keep talking to her, but Charlie was here now, I had to leave.

"Yeah, Dad," I answered quickly, walking towards him.

"Everything okay?" he asked as we walked into the kitchen together.

Before I answered him I couldn't help but look back on more time. My throat constricted painfully as I tried to hold back a sob from the sight.

Esme waved solemnly and placed her hand over her heart. "We love you, Bella."

Goosebumps spread out all over my skin. I nodded and turned back around, officially letting the Cullens go. I wanted to fall on my knees and wail out from the pain of my crushing heart.

"Yeah, everything is good. I took out steak. I thought we could have steak and salad for dinner." I went to the cupboard and pulled out a pan, and then turned the stove heat on low. I set the pan down and dropped a couple tablespoons of oil on in the center. I grabbed the steaks off the counter, but Charlie put his hands on top of mine. I looked up at him in question.

"Let me do it, Bells," he said.

I smiled and nodded. "Okay, you fry the steaks, and I'll make the salad."

"Sounds good, kid." He took the steaks from my hand and placed them on the skillet, sizzling right away. I grabbed the vegetables and started dicing them once I washed them off. As I was preparing the salad, I had to smile. I had finally taken one step back to reality and Charlie was making an effort to prove he had noticed that.

I sighed in relief.

"_Bella, you are so beautiful," Edward cooed, stroking his warm hand across my cheek._

"_Thanks, Edward," I said, smiling. I looked deep into his eyes and leaned in to kiss him._

_It was a beautiful feeling to finally have Edward's lips so warm, so soothing. Sometimes I would miss the chill he brought to my skin, but the burn was even better. I wouldn't trade it for the world._

_He had been by my side through everything. He never left my side during my transformation, during my newborn phase, or through my insecurities and doubt. Edward showed more loyalty and trust than any man could ever carry. He was my love, my life, my eternity._

_I loved him more than any word could ever describe. He was my soul-mate, my singer. If roles were reversed, and I had been the vampire first, he would have been doomed. I would have relished in him, and stalked him until he couldn't stand me anymore. I would never have let him out of my sight. My feelings and pride I felt for Edward and the rest of my family had multiplied since becoming a vampire. They were at a magnitude that I had found difficult to handle, but Jasper was there to ease me along the way. _

_Edward stood up and held out his hand, waiting for me to take it. I placed my hand in his and stood up. "Where do you want to go, Edward?"_

_He looked back at me and smiled. "Let's go home, Bella."_

_I was home._

After I had called Jake continuously last night, he never caved and answered a single call. I wasn't upset at him for ignoring my phone calls, I was mad at myself for stooping down so low. I cringed every time I thought about what I had done. There was no excuse, and as much as I missed Jacob, I deserved the outcome.

I had arrived at school fairly early because sitting at home all alone, while craving drugs, wasn't the best company. I needed to keep my mind busy, focused on something else. I did everything in my power to pay attention in class and go forward. My marks were starting to improve, but if I wanted to get into the college of my choice, I had to do better. I had always done well in school, and I'd be damned if I let a man I was madly in love with ruin that for me.

Once the lunch bell rang, I dreaded the full hour of loneliness I had to endure. I could sit with Jessica and the rest of them, but I opted out. I hated looking at all the happy couples with no problems in their lives. I hated feeling like the only outcast, and I hated the way Lauren made sure I achieved that feeling.

I stopped at my locker and gathered my lunch, about to go outside, but something stopped me. As much as I wanted to sit at the picnic tables all by myself outside, I knew that my choice to do so wasn't proactive. I had to take the second step into redemption now, and that was winning back the friends who had never left. The only way I could achieve that was to make an effort and walk through the cafeteria doors and sit with them.

That didn't mean I had to like it. I rolled my eyes as I filled with dread for the embarrassment I felt for having acted the way I had. I was comatose for quite a while and ignored their every advance to make sure I was okay. I took a deep breath and composed myself. Panic that started to rise within my stomach and it was very unsettling. The possibility of maybe taking too much on to wean myself off of Edward came to mind, but I brushed it off. I needed to get over him—I had to.

As I pushed open the doors to my uncertain future with my friends, my withdraw symptoms hit me full force. I noticed my severe headache, my aching pains that pulsed through my bones and joints, my shakes and sweats, and I had the chills. It was suddenly was craving an escape so bad that I was willing to scream on the top of my lungs, and it took _everything_ to keep myself grounded. I didn't have a clue how I did it. I must be stronger than I thought.

I thought back to Saturday night and how from that day on I was on the journey of becoming a better person. My heart dropped at remembering how upset Jacob was with me, but if it wasn't for him unknowingly putting everything in perspective for me, I would still be locked up in that tortured addiction of mine. Too see the fury in his eyes as he found his father's painkillers scattered all over the floor was a real eye opener for me. Even though I had hands down hurt him and upset him, I only hoped that Jacob would allow me to show him I did good by him.

I put down my head as soon as I walked through the cafeteria, staying focused on the dirty floor. I walked up to the food line and grabbed a try, closing my eyes and letting out a low breath. Phase one was done. I looked through the spit guard at today's choice, and instantly felt queasy as Mystery Meatloaf was on the menu. One thing I had learned about quitting cold turkey was that my appetite was slim to none. I put my tray back and grabbed an apple and bottle of water instead. I turned around and came face-to-face with Angela.

"Hey, Bella," she said, hugging me.

I froze in place and willed away my tears. All day I had felt like crying, but it wouldn't do any good now. "Hi. How are you?"

"I'm doing good. You wanna sit with us? We're over by the window," she stated, pointing to the east side of the cafeteria.

I bit my lip and considered it. My heart said no, to go and wallow over Edward, but my mind urged me to go with Angela, to make up for lost time with my friends. I nodded in response and she smiled. Angela turned and started walking towards our table, and I followed, my eyes capturing Lauren's.

I rolled my eyes and forced myself to stay focused on what was going on ahead of me. I was bound to trip over my feet, being that my clumsiness never went a day without rearing its ugly head.

"Can you believe Bella actually drove Edward and his family out of town? I mean, how much could you possibly suck as a girlfriend? He should have come to me, I could have fulfilled his needs," Lauren sneered to her friend and chuckled.

I stopped in my tracks, allowing my blood to boil with frustration and my ears to ring at her audacity to say such a thing. Before I knew it, I was shaking uncontrollably with rage, and I could hear Angela in the distance asking if I was okay, but everything just sounded like muffled, as if I were under water.

Tears streamed down my face as my heart ripped right back open. That stupid bitch. I dropped my water bottle and apple and turned to face her. My adrenalin consumed me and I was driven by it. The next thing I knew I was calling her a fucking bitch, and my fist met her mouth.

I heard the whole cafeteria gasp, along with whispering and laughing. I blinked my eyes and refocused on the situation at hand. I was laying stomach down on top of Lauren's table, and she was on the floor, holding her hand up to her bloody lip.

"You'll pay for this, Swan!"

That was all I remembered before I was pulled off the table by Mike and Eric.

"Bella, are you okay?" Angela questioned.

"Like, what the hell?" Jessica added.

"Bella, it's cool. Stay calm," Mike whispered in my ear.

My chest was heaving up and down, and I was practically growling at her. "YOU don't know a thing!" I screamed in her direction. "A fucking thing!"

"Miss Swan. My office. Now," the principal retorted suddenly.

After getting a three day suspension and sent home, I felt incredibly worthless, but yet empowered all at the same time. I felt weak and vulnerable, and hated Edward even more now. There wasn't anything else I wanted more than some pills to pop back or a joint to toke. I wanted anything to numb my feelings. Reality was a scary fucking place to be without any protection.

The principal had called the station and told Charlie what had happened, so I dreaded my drive back home. I sat in my truck for God knew how long, tapping my steering wheel with my thumb. I bit my bottom lip until I could taste warm copper.

I sighed and finally grabbed my schoolbag and got out of the truck. I slowly and reluctantly made my way up the steps to my front door, wondering how Charlie was going to take this. I put my hand on the doorknob and gasped when I saw how bruised my knuckles were. I hadn't even noticed that until now. I shook my head, deciding to worry about it later, and let out a low breath. I slowly opened the door and there was nothing but silence.

Charlie was mad.

Very mad.

I dropped my bag on the floor and shoved my hands deep into my pockets. I inched closer to the kitchen, and when I finally arrived at the entrance, my heart stopped.

Jacob and my father were sitting at the kitchen table, looking at me with disapproving looks. I swallowed thickly and looked at them both before I spotted Billy's painkiller on the middle of the table.

How could he?

Why would Jacob rat me out? He was supposed to be my friend, my protector. Why would he choose today to do this?

I looked at him with angry tears in my eyes and shook my head. "Why, Jacob?" I asked, my voice quavering.

He was about to say something, but Charlie beat him to it. "That's exactly what I would like to know." I stared at Charlie, completely at a loss for words. I was too angry and upset. "I EXPECT AN ANSWER!" Charlie demanded, startling me.

I froze and looked him directly in the eyes, unmoving. I was scared to breathe, to swallow, to move. Charlie had never raised his voice to me before. I had never seen so much disappointment etched on his face.

I didn't know what else to do but defend myself. "Jake, how could you do this! Why would you do this?"

"I asked you a question, Isabella, now you answer me!" Charlie interjected. He had never used my full name.

I cringed.

I glanced back at him, hating every moment I looked at him. I hated myself for seeing how much I had failed him—disappointed him. I continuously mentally praye that he wouldn't be so disgusted in me after all this was said and done. "I…I don't know what to say, okay! I had a hard time after Edward left, and I didn't want to deal with it!" I looked back to Jacob. "I can't believe you! You promised!" I cried.

"Bells, I'm doing this because I care. You need to get some help now. I can't deal with something like this. You need medical or professional help."

I sobbed, but it quickly turned into a growl of frustration. "You don't know what I need! I haven't had anything since your party. I'm doing this all on my fucking own!" I looked at Charlie, who was now fuming, standing from his seat. "I don't need you!" I screamed at him. Then, I glanced back to Jacob and sneered, "And I certainly don't fucking need you."

I turned and walked away from the both of them. How could they turn against me? I was the victim here. It was a slap in the face to hear him say that I needed _medical_ or _professional_ help. "Bella, you get back here right now!" Charlie demanded.

I slammed the door behind me, ignoring Charlie's request. I knew I would be regretting that choice soon enough. I got in my truck and started the engine, driving away from everything as fast as I could. I continuously sobbed at the unfairness of it all. I had finally cut myself off from every drug possible, dealing with everything on my own, and that was when Jacob decided to tell Charlie everything. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and angry.

I needed something. Anything.

My cellphone started to ring, and I took it out of my jean pocket and looked at the caller display.

It read Jacob. My heart stopped and my blood steamed. He had betrayed me.

I picked it up and answered it quickly. "Why would you do this to me? Why?"

"Bella, just come back home so we can discuss this," Jacob replied.

"Answer me, you fool! Answer my question! I was getting better, Jake. I was getting better!" I sobbed.

"Bella-"

Before he could give me another lecture to come home, I slammed my phone shut and threw it on the passenger's seat. While I wiped my eyes from the tears the profusely fell, I lost focus on where I was going. I swerved and hit a bump, making my truck jerk. I grabbed the steering wheel and frantically turned it, but it wasn't responding. I started to turn sideways as my truck skidded over a huge patch of ice. I slammed on the breaks, but I wasn't stopping.

"Oh my God. Please!" I screamed aloud as I pumped the brake pedal. "Oh God." The scenery before me was spinning, and I started to scream uncontrollably.

The next thing I knew, I was totally out of control and my truck was now on its side, rolling into a huge ditch. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and held on to the steering wheel as my life flashed before my eyes.

My life on Earth, as I knew it, was over.

_I love you, Edward._

Was the only thought I remembered before everything went black.


	17. Let's Get Lost

Chapter Sixteen—

**EPOV**

Bella was my world—my everything. I was disgusted for what I had done.

I watched her—I watched her closely. Every second of every day, I watched her.

She was within my arm's reach, struggling, in pain, and there was nothing I could do.

It tore my undead heart to watch her whimper, scream, wail, and thrash around.

The tightening within my stomach and my guilt-ridden conscience ripped me apart as I saw her skin progress to translucent. It ripped me apart as I saw her veins protrude from her skin as my…

"Edward?" I looked towards Alice, but I had to look away, unable to take in her worried, despair-filled features. "Edward, she'll be okay. She'll get through this. I can see it."

I nodded, and it took every fiber of my soulless being to believe her—to have faith in her visions.

**BPOV**

My head was spinning a million miles per hour, my head was thrashing, and every single muscle was fierce with burning pain. I swallowed and screamed out as the burn was too much to bear. I tried to open my eyes on many attempts, but it was too much—I didn't want to.

All I remembered was my truck spinning uncontrollably and thoughts of loving Edward repeating in my head. I didn't know where I was now or what state I was in. I was scared, confused, and on the verge of screaming at the top of my lungs. The pain I was in was uncontrollable, excruciating. I just wanted my life to be over—I didn't want this. I knew after I had come out of what I was in was going to be worse off than where I was before.

After God only knew how long, my pain seemed to numb, and I got the strength and courage to move my hands. I placed them over my face to see if any distortion was caused, and to my relief, none was noticed. My head was throbbing and my mouth was extremely dry—I would do anything for some water. J

Just water.

I swallowed again, but the sticky pinch of my dry throat was a nuisance, causing me to moan aloud. Suddenly, I heard a ringing coming from beside me, but I didn't know what it was—I could register it. I finally opened my eyes and fear drilled through my bones as I figured out where I was. I knew I was in my truck, and I was upside down, but I had no idea what had gotten me here.

I remember being extremely angry and hurt—betrayed. I started to feel claustrophobic, and I fumbled with the seatbelt for some release. I started crying from the frustration, and being unable to reach my phone to answer the constant calls, my memory started flashing before me.

Painkillers.

Jake.

Charlie.

Guilt weighed heavily on top of me, and I started sobbing. I needed to get the fuck out of this truck.

"Get me out of here! HELP!" I cried, trying to push the unlock button on my seatbelt. "Can anybody here me? HELP!"

It felt as though I was all alone in the world, that there was a casing around me that wouldn't allow me to move forward. I felt forgotten, unwanted, and stupid. I thought of everything gone wrong in my life, and how I wanted so badly to fix everything, but it had blown up in my face. I was upset with myself for being so disrespectful, so reckless, so…useless.

My phone started to ring again, and I screamed out, once more, in frustration. "FUCK!" I growled out as I thought about Edward and my hate for him.

He was the one who had caused all this—all these obstacles. I wanted him gone at that very moment—but, of course, only if I were to come with him. All the pain and hurt he had caused me gave me enough force to push all my strength into the button to release me.

It finally unclasped, and I went flying to the, now, top of my car. I yelped out in pain once more, as my stiff body was moved in an awkward position. I wanted to get out of here. I felt captured, irritable, as if I wasn't able to be free. I maneuvered myself until I lay on my back and started kicking the shit out of the driver's side window.

"Get me the hell out of here! Help!" I yelled out, continuously kicking window, but it was no use.

I gave up fighting and sighed, trying to relax my nerves. The anger and frustration within my blood was now at a simmer, but I still felt the aching burn. My heart beat uncontrollably at the unfairness of it all. I was a wreck, and I caused more upheaval than I ever had in my life.

I lay motionless as tears screamed down the sides of my face, unable to make an effort anymore. I had given up on everything—on myself—on fighting. I took residence upon the roof inside of my old truck, willing away the depression that I was sinker lower into.

I cried profusely, causing my throat to become raw and overused. I closed my eyes tight, preparing myself for my sudden outburst of anguish. It was building all too quickly. "NO! I HATE YOU, EDWARD! YOU DID THIS TO ME!" I sniffed, wiping my tears away angrily. "I love you…" I was so exhausted to be angry anymore, I was too exhausted to move or to even try and think about moving on.

I needed my life support—but it was cut off—he had cut me off of himself—Edward.

I let out a low, defeated sigh and looked up to the seats of my truck, taking in its beige ripped up interior. Even though I had so many obstacles to face here on out, I took a moment of silence for the person I used to be. I took the time to reflect back on Edward and our time shared together.

The first time he looked at me. How his amber eyes scared me, but yet I had beenintrigued, wanting to more about him.

The first time he held my hand. His cool hand made me nervous by its abnormality, but regardless, so normal and comforting to me.

"Bella?"

The first time he kissed me. His stone-like cold lips, pushing into my soft ones were an experience I would never forget—I preferred it that way. I knew that one day I would move on, but no kiss would be like Edward's. I held that sacred to my heart—my first _wanted_ kiss.

The first time Edward showed me the meadow. It was his secret hiding spot to get away from everybody's thoughts, everyone's glares and curious glances. He had let me into his spot then—his heart.

"Bella, please."

The first time he told me he loved me. Goosebumps spread all over my body at the memory. I prayed to God that I would never forget his voice, the way he said it so wholeheartedly, with so much emotion. I told him then that I loved him, too, that I always had.

The first time we made love. Edward was my first—he was the one. No matter what happened between us, or how much anger and resentment I felt towards him now, he would always be the love of my life—my first love.

I burned for him. I craved him. I dreamt about him all the time and nothing would ever be sufficed. I over thought about everything that had happened and tried to find ways to rectify it, but I always turned up empty. I would always feel empty without Edward, he was my completion. He was the answer to my reason for being. Edward kept me grounded, kept me wanting everything, aiding me into achieving anything I set my mind to. Without him I felt lost, abandoned. I couldn't find a purpose anymore. I couldn't understand how I had lived without him before—how I had woken up each day without his presence—I didn't know how I had done it now. He was such a blessing to me, and I couldn't help but wonder why he had carelessly ripped away from my life. Left me to fend for myself all alone, unwanted and unloved.

My heart felt so heavy.

"Bella, wake up. Please."

I heard his voice and he filled me up. He filled my body with warmth, and made my heart beat again. I heard it, I did, but I knew it wasn't really him. It was my mind playing out what I wanted, what I so desperately craved more than drugs—Edward.

I ignored his soothing voice so close to me, and I ignored the electric current sparking between us because I knew it was fabricated. It was play. I cringed at the thought of how he never came to rescue me, how he never searched for me, or cared enough to see if I was okay.

Suddenly my body—"My, love, please wake up."—_Suddenly my body_ now filled with rage at his audacity to call me love. I ignored him, and I was as awake as I could be. I hated Edward so much; I dared not to love him.

I guess my heart was too heavy for him to carry. I guess he didn't want the burden, but then neither did Alice. She must have known I was laying here, in my truck, rolled into a ditch. I couldn't even fathom that Alice would just ignore this. I knew she saw it. I felt it deep within every single fiber I had, that she knew I had gotten into this accident.

No matter how heartless Alice had become, she had taught me so much, she did so much for me when I was with Edward. I was in debt to her no matter what happened in my life—until the day of my death came.

A loud wail escaped me at the realization that I would die one day, and Edward would live on forever. He would find somebody else; he would love her—make love to her. I screamed and screamed until I was no longer in control of who I was anymore. Thinking of the past made it unbearable to think of my future.

"Hurry! Help me! She's thrashing!" Edward called out.

_Fuck you, Edward! I refused to talk to you. I refuse to hallucinate you!" _I thought to myself.

My blood felt as if it were lava running through my veins, my body tightened hard, as if it were plastered with concrete. My throat suddenly felt scorching hot, it was all I could concentrate on. As I was concentrating on burning convulsions my body was going through, I heard running footsteps, becoming fainter as they moved away from me. I suddenly felt alone.

I tried to open my eyes to regain my baring, but nothing was working. I was terrified that my body was slowly shutting down.

Honey, sandalwood, rosewater, and lilac invaded my nostrils and bile rose up my throat. It smelled like the Cullens. I was scared and confused. That amazing, beautifully scented family was the last thing that I wanted to be reminded of. Being that I wanted anything to take the smell away, I found myself breathing deeply in, unable to stop. I was addicted to them—I needed them.

The Cullens—my drug of choice.

I smiled sardonically as I tortured myself. As much as I did, I never felt more alive. I knew the more I screamed and wailed out in pain, it was eased by the fabricated presence of the Cullens.

"Edward, we have done everything we can. You have to leave her now."

_No, don't leave me again. Please. Stay, _I pleaded. I couldn't answer them aloud, because I knew I would be going back to square one. I needed to get better. I wanted to regain a sense of solace. Please let me heal. Every time I became one step closer towards closure from Edward and the rest of the Cullens, I sabotaged all my efforts. I sabotaged my whole life, and I knew from this day on nothing would ever be normal again for me.

My body was vibrating with pain, but yet I felt completely hallow.

"You have to help her! Help her, Carlisle!"

"Edward, I said there is nothing we can do now. Please, let her get through this. We can't do anything. I have administered morphine for the pain, but that's all I can do."

The comfort of Carlisle's voice was dominant, but I couldn't drift off, I had to stay in reality. As much as I would have loved to envelop myself in their presence, I would rather have the real thing.

"Damn you!" Edward roared.

I flinched at his angry voice and wondered what the hell was going on. What were they giving me morphine for? It had to be my mind playing the situation out the way I wanted it done. They had to have been administering morphine for the injuries from my accident. They were probably waiting for Charlie.

_Charlie._

Everything then went silent. I felt Edward's absence deep within my soul, and I suddenly felt very cold. The silence so deaf I could hear the ring in my ears. I stuck out my arm and felt beside me for my phone, so I could call Charlie.

I padded the space beside me, but I couldn't feel for my phone. It dawned on me that the fabric of the roof below me didn't feel the same, either. I grabbed a fist full of cotton, which felt like a sheet of some sort. I furrowed my eye brows in confusion and slowly opened my eyes.

I swallowed thickly and it hurt, causing me to wince. The only thing I could think about was the known throb within my throat mixed with the confusion I felt. I looked to my side and noticed that I was gripping a deep-blue colored sheet.

I glanced up and looked at the ceiling. The only thought going through my mind was how beautifully detailed it was and how clearly focused I was on it. I could see the chipping, the clay moldings, each shape and curve that had been carved into it. I could tell it was ancient, very vintage. It seemed strangely familiar, but I couldn't place it. I stared at it until it dawned on me that I hadn't blinked in nearly five minutes, and still hadn't felt the urge to. Suddenly, I heard a thump in the distance, and I stopped breathing—my body suddenly on guard, as if I were protecting myself. I stayed frozen in place, unmoving. I was so terrified I clamed up, hoping to go unnoticed. I had a million or more emotions and feelings pulsing through my body it was hard to name just one. They felt so intensified, very hard to handle.

Before I could sit up and stare at what had just come in the room, honey and lavender hit me once again. Edward. I knew that I was no longer awake in my truck anymore, but passed out and dreaming. I knew once Charlie had found me, he would wake me up. So, I decided to visit Edward just one more time, and I was going to do what I always wanted if I were given the chance.

I tried to sit up, but I moaned aloud. The stiffness I felt was paralyzing. The drill of electricity I felt surging through my body got stronger, and I knew that Edward had come closer to me. I could feel the undeniable attraction to one another. It would always be there, no matter how many years we were apart.

I finally sat up and came face-to-face with Edward.

I stayed silent unsure of what to make of my surroundings. Before I could scream at Edward for answers again, I looked around the room. I recognized this room—it was Edward's. I let out a low unnecessary breath out and caught eyes with him again. He looked so beautiful. I couldn't believe how crystal clear he looked. No flaws—he looked picture perfect. I couldn't believe my eyes. His skin was so smoother, like silk, and his skin was as beautiful as porcelien. His eyes beamed amber, they were so bright and inticing. I had never seen them glow like that before. If I thought they were beautiful back when he was with me, they were absolutely breathtaking now. His hair was copper mixed with burgundy and dark-brown. I noticed every single color glow at how the light hit it. I covered my heart with my hand, unable to take the pressure my chest felt at the sight of him. As I lay my hand on my chest, I noticed something—my heart wasn't beating.

"Bella?" Edward croaked.

His voice was velvet, so intoxicating. I stared at him as if any movement would make this beautiful creature in front of disappear. I wanted more than anything to take this situation for granted, but I knew if I didn't do what I wanted for so long, what my body itched for the most, I would regret it. He would always know I was the weak, vulnerable, fragile girl he had fallen in love with.

I got up off the bed, but it felt effortless, like I was flowing throw the air. My body pulled myself forward, I was within Edward in seconds. The shock of my movements frightened me and a growl of fear rippled through my lungs. I covered my mouth and looked at Edward wide-eyed. He stared at me with fear within his features, and it made guilt take over my anger. I sighed and straightened myself out, now standing one foot away from Edward.

"Why, Edward? Please just give me a straight answer."

I glared at him the pain that seared through me made my heart feel so tender. I saw Edward's mouth open, but before he could say anything, I slapped him across the face.

Dust flew off his cheek and it cracked an inch. I gasped and screamed aloud. Edward's head flew back and he stayed frozen in place, now looking away from me.

I was shaking uncontrollably, and I looked at my hand nervously. It was so pale, so white. I looked back at Edward with my eyes still so wide with shock.

He was looking and me and smirked, his eyes glowing with love regardless. "Welcome back, my love."


	18. My Love

Chapter Seventeen—My Love

**EPOV**

As soon as I had entered Bella, I knew that she was a goner. The intensity of feeling her heat wrapped around me was overwhelming. As I pushed deep inside her, I felt as though I had become whole. That I had placed the missing piece of the puzzle—completed it.

The way Bella's damp hair stuck to her forehead, the way her eyes rolled as I pleasured her, the way she called out my name, made my heart feel as if it beat again. I was overcome will such adoration, love, and happiness to a level I had never thought possible.

Watching Bella underneath me, claiming me, was an undeniable experience. It made me forget the monster I was, and helped me focus on what mattered more than my thirst—our love for each other. I looked directly into her eyes when she caught mine and smiled. I leaned down and kissed her lips softly and lingered there. I didn't want to pull away—we were as one, and I wanted to stay that way for as long as I could.

I moved from Bella's lips as I continued to thrust inside of her, and trailed kisses along her jaw, down to her collar bone. I nibbled on it and she jerked her hips, causing me to grunt out. I wanted to be as tender and loving as I could—as I wanted to be—knowing this was Bella's first time. She was so beautiful. She was my queen, and I would always be in debt to her. She had returned my soul to me—the soul I had lost more than a century ago. As well, for allowing me to love her, and for seeing life for what it really was—a blessing.

I smiled against her jugular and breathed in her silky skin deeply. She was exquisite in every meaning of the word. She was my own personal sun—as I was hers. She made me see beauty in who I was—what I was. She showed me to honor my family more than I thought I could. She taught me that addiction—thirst—wasn't the only thing in the world. She showed me—she proved to me—that I wasn't a monster, and I believed it.

That was until Bella's arousal overcame me, and I was left to fight with my bloodlust.

How I hated that word.

How I hated that it was a part of me.

I knew Bella wanted to become a vampire, and I was thoroughly against it. It took a lot of convincing from her and my family to allow me to grant what she wanted most—me.

As I tortured myself with her scent and my berating thoughts, I trailed my tongue up her neck and sucked on the soft, warm skin of her jaw line. I tried to forget the craving I had. I really did.

Hearing her telling me she loved me and that she wanted more, encouraged me to fall back into my bloodlust trance. Anything Bella wanted, I would give her—I could never deny her anything. As she continued to urge me, and pull me towards her, I couldn't control myself anymore. I thrust myself deep inside of her and started sucking the skin on her neck. Each pull of her flesh between my teeth was a promise that I wouldn't be able to stop from biting her. I didn't know what had come over me, but my mind was screaming at me to sink my teeth into her buttery flesh. It seemed like the right thing to do. For a moment I saw what Bella did—a lifetime spent together. No boundaries, no pain, no separation—it was perfect. Not only would biting her skin cure my selfish need, it would grant her one wish—eternity. As venom pooled within my mouth and trickled down her skin, I did what I only knew how. I ran on instinct—survival.

Before I knew it, I had bitten her, and I was sucking back her blood like it was the cure for a disease.

She screamed aloud, but it soon faded to a quiet moaning. I sighed on top of her as her freesia flavored blood flowed down my throat. The quench it gave my thirst was heaven. I had never had anything like it. I knew I had to stop pulling blood from her body when I heard her whisper that she would always love me.

When I forced myself to stop, I backed up and straight out of her, breaking our intimate connection and fell to the floor beside the bed. I licked my lips and wiped the rest clean with my hand. I stared at her in disgusted shock for what I had done. I knew she wanted to become a vampire, but I didn't want to pull the rug from right underneath her. She didn't even know it was coming—she couldn't even say any last words that she might have had. I was monstrous. I quickly put my boxers back on, ran to her side and took hold of her hands as she thrashed away. Every single vein her body protruded and harbored my venom as it coursed through her body. I could tell she was in so much pain. I _knew_ she was. I wanted to do everything I could to take that away from her. Instead, all I could do was calm my panic-stricken self and give her encouragements while I waited for my family to return.

I wiped her damp hair way from her forehead and kissed it. "You're beautiful, my love. You're my soul mate. I've waited a century for you, nothing will separate us now. I can't wait until this is all over, so we can spend eternity together. No boundaries…nothing. You are so strong. You're so very strong," I croaked out, my voice quavering. "You're safe, my love," I assured her.

I got up from being on my knees and tried put the sheet over her, so I could claim some of her dignity. If I could cry, that was what I would have done.

My Bella.

"Edward, I saw what happened and got here as fast as I could. Are you okay?" Alice rushed out, not looking me, but crouching down beside Bella who was still thrashing around.

"Alice...Oh, God…I didn't mean to. I didn't…I—"

"Edward, I know. This isn't your fault," she said, standing up and placing her hand on my cheek. "This is what she wanted, okay?"

My eyes burned with non-existent tears as I took in Bella's state. She must have been hurting badly. I only hoped she forgave me. I couldn't stand to be touched, so I shrugged Alice's hand off of me and took a few steps back. "Don't." I didn't deserve to have anybody's sympathy.

"Edward, listen to me please—" Alice started.

"Alice, what is going on here?" Carlisle looked at both of us, but soon his eyes caught Bella thrashing away on my bed. His eyes saddened and he nodded slightly. I knew he could tell what happened. Either Alice had told him before he got here, or he saw my state of undress, and well, Bella's.

I was ashamed.

"I bit her, Carlisle. Please, help her." I stood there frozen, unmoving. The one thing that I wanted completely in control of was the one thing I would never be able to grasp. I pushed both hands through my hair and tugged at the roots as I paced my room.

"Edward, please calm down. You are not helping the situation. Alice, please take Edward downstairs, so I can attend to Bella."

"I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE," I yelled, walking over to stand in front of Bella. "You are not going to help her unless I can stay here. Do you hear me?"

"Edward, that is enough," Esme interjected as she walked into my room. I looked at her and saw stress sketched in her features.

"Esme, please," I whimpered. I was at a loss for words.

"Edward, the sooner we help her, the sooner we will all, including Bella, be at ease," Esme pleaded with me.

I crouched down and growled at all of them. I would protect my prize—my Bella.

"Alice, please go call Emmett and Rosalie and tell them to stay away for a bit longer. We can't have any more distractions," Carlisle added.

Alice nodded at him, and then looked at me. _Everything will be okay, Edward. Please let Carlisle do his job. Don't make this stressful for all of us. We all love Bella and want to help her. Please, _she said with her thoughts, and left the room.

I balled my hands into fists and tried my best to remain calm. I felt sick to my stomach. Things weren't going fast enough. I needed Bella to be healed. I couldn't live with myself. Three days I had to go through this. Go through watching Bella suffer in pain and not know if she would forgive me in the end. I felt bile coat my throat at the thought.

"I'll stay with Edward, love. You go get what you need to help Bella," Esme said softly, and smiled at Carlisle.

I turned around and looked out the window. Only a fraction of my thoughts hoped that Bella and I would be a loving couple like that once all this was over with. Only a fraction. I had no right to hope for something like that, being what I had just done to her.

"Edward?" Esme said, approaching me. I looked towards Bella who was groaning and screaming out in pain. I fell to my knees and sobbed. "Edward!" Esme crouched down beside me.

"Please…" was all I could say. It was the only thing I could say.

"My love. Please don't blame yourself for any of this. I know what you must be going through." I looked at her and she smiled. How she could find time to smile in a situation like this, I would never know. "Calm down. For me." I nodded and relaxed slightly.

"I need her to stop screaming, Esme. It rips my heart more every time I hear her scream."

"Carlisle will stop as much of the pain as he can, but you have to let him work on her." Esme stood up and placed the sheet back over Bella, once again, as she had kicked it off while she was trashing around.

"Can you…can you please put her clothes on?" I asked, picking up her jeans and t-shirt. I held them out to her, but she placed her hand on top of mine.

"In all honesty, Edward, I think she'd like it if you put them on her yourself." I looked at her with confusion. "She loves you and she wants only you. Even though she is going through this, it's your touch she wants. She'd like that you were taking care of her," she explained, and nodded for me to agree.

"Okay." I sighed, and then Carlisle came in the room. We both jumped as Bella wailed at the top of her lungs. "God, please, do something, Carlisle," I begged, sobbing.

Carlisle brought in an IV stand and brought it over beside Bella. He lifted Bella's arm, but before he could do anything, Esme placed her hand on his arm and jerked her head towards me. He nodded in understanding. "Edward, I'm going to be placing this syringe in Bella's vein. Right here," he started, and pointed towards her inner arm. I nodded in understanding. He inserted it and looked back at me. "Now, I'm going to hook it up to this pole, and set a timer for it to dispense every half-an-hour. The morphine should start taking its course in about an hour and the pain will subside. She will still feel pain, but it won't be as intense. Then, after the first twenty-four hours of her transformation I have to take it out because her physicality will start changing," he then finished.

I nodded. I appreciated it and felt a bit better. That must have been what Esme was signaling to Carlisle—to let me in on what was going on. "Thank you," I whispered.

"Anytime, Edward. I think it would be best to give her some privacy. At least for the first hour or so."

"No, Carlisle, please. Let me stay with her," I pleaded.

Carlisle looked to Bella, and then back at me and sighed. "Okay, but be patient and calm, Edward. She will be able to sense your stress and make the transition more difficult."

"Okay. I can…do that."

"Darling, if you need anything, you know where we are. We will be back up in an hour to check up on you both, okay?" Esme said, and walked over to me, taking me in her embrace. I held on to her for dear life. She then whispered, "She'll be okay, Edward. Make sure you tell her that, too."

I nodded against the crook of her neck, unable to say anything, the emotional lump in my throat constricting me.

Esme walked back over to Carlisle, put her hand in his, and they both left the room.

It had been a little over twenty-four hours since I had bitten Bella. She had calmed down quite a bit, but every now and then she would cry out or scream. My heart ached for her. This was my entire fault. I had dressed her back in her clothes, and had been holding her hand since last night, never letting go. Whenever she would calm down and lay still, I would talk to her. She was so beautiful and so strong.

I let go of her hand and walked over to my stereo where I placed her Lullaby on repeat. I knew she loved it and would contribute to her calm-like state. I wanted her to know that I was with her every step of the way. I sat back down on the chair beside her bed and grabbed her hand again, kissing it and caressing it. I looked at her face and took an unnecessary deep breath in.

"Bella?" I didn't know why I asked it like a question. Maybe on some level I had hoped she would answer me. "My love. You are so strong." Bella started convulsing again, but not to the extremity as the first day, due to the administered morphine. "I'm here, my love. You have to calm down, Bella. You're suffering. You're going to be okay now. I promise."

I choked back a sob, knowing that if I had cried it would make matters worse—like Esme had said. Bella suddenly moaned so loud and lifted half her body off the mattress with her feet. I got up and leaned over her, maneuvered her body back down on the mattress and kissed her forehead. "Please, Bella, stay with me," I whispered against her pasty forehead.

She was burning up…all because of my venom…all because of me.

It was a little over forty-eight hours of Bella's transformation, but she still convulsed. It had become sporadic, but it still ripped my soul to shreds. I was becoming very irritable, refusing to hunt and tend to myself. I didn't deserve to make myself feel good. The pain Bella had to go through—I would suffer along with her. Rosalie and Emmett had come in a couple of times, barely saying a word. Emmett had placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a light squeeze, telling me that she was going to be one hot vampire. I had to smile, but it soon faded when she groaned and cut us both off. Rosalie had stood beside her for a long period of time. She stared at her with so much emotion it felt like I had been intruding. I refused to leave the room, so I walked over to the window and looked at the rainy scenery to give them some privacy.

Once she left, I took residence upon my chair beside Bella, held her hand, and never took my eyes off of her. "My love. I'm sorry. Bella, I…I'm so sorry," I sobbed out. I didn't know what else to say to her, but sorry. I knew I didn't deserve her forgiveness, but I wanted her to know how I felt. "I wish there was something I could do to heal your pain, Bella. The last thing I wanted was for you to endure such pain as this. I…I just wish…" I trailed off, unable to keep my sorrow at bay. I tried again, but before I did, I squeezed her hand tightly. "I hope that you'll forgive me. That you won't be upset when this is all over."

Bella stirred a bit between the blankets, and I saw tears stream down her face. I got up and sat beside her, kissing the tears away. I leaned my forehead against hers and sighed. "Bella, please. I will always hold the regret of having put you through this. You will always have me, Bella. You will always be mine," I finished, and placed a kiss on her cheek and lingered there for a few moments. I grabbed both of her hands now, held them between mine, and placed my head at the crook of her neck. She jerked and twitched, but I did my best to ignore it. I wanted to hear her heart beat for as long as I could—before it completely stopped.

I closed my eyes and, for the first time in a century, I prayed to God.

A scent that repulsed me filled my senses, and I sat up and looked towards the door. I stood up and crouched down, knowing it was coming towards this room—coming close to my Bella.

Soon enough, Jacob barreled through the door, Alice, Carlisle, and Emse following suit. I growled at him in warning to stay back. "What are you doing here, mutt?" I seethed out, venom pooling within my mouth.

"Edward, calm down, please," Esme begged, walking in front of me.

"What is he doing here?" I seethed out, once again.

"He came looking for Bella," Alice answered, looking at me worriedly.

"Jacob, if you don't mind, I want to discuss something with you downstairs," Carlisle interjected.

"You fucking bloodsucker! You changed her! You took her life away. How dare you, you bastard! I kept your fucking secret away from her for as long as I could, and you go about and do this to her? You fucking broke the treaty. You will pay for this!" Jacob roared out, stomping towards me.

I crouched down lower in front of Bella and hissed at him. "This is what she wanted, Jacob," I said, standing my ground.

"No it wasn't! She didn't know what she wanted! I get this fucking letter," he said, holding up the letter that Bella had written him, "and all over it it's written how she can't wait to see me again, how she hopes I can forgive her, and how she'll miss me. Does that sound like somebody who wants to be changed?"

He was right. I couldn't fight him on that. I should have waited this decision out longer.

I hated myself.

I deserved to be hated by everyone else, too.

"Jacob, please let us explain. I saw Bella as a vampire," Alice rushed out, trying to ease the tension.

"You saw her? Yeah, real cute, Alice," Jacob spat, and I growled.

"Jacob," Carlisle started, and then he looked at him. "This was strictly Bella's decision. We have gone over all the pros and cons with her more than once. The final decision was up to her, regardless. She is a strong, mature, selfless woman and she should have what she wants. Edward has tried to shrug off her requests for this transformation, or hold it off, but she was very persistent. Please understand that we are not doing this to damn her, but to be able to be blessed with her presence for eternity," he finished.

Jacob relaxed slightly, which made the rest of us as well. "This is unfair. What about Charlie, Renee, school? She's fucked up everything," he said solemnly.

"We cannot talk for Bella herself; we cannot make her do things she doesn't want to do, Jacob. We can only guide her, help her make the right decisions in the path she chooses. Give her the best out of her choices," Esme said. "Her transformation will be done in a couple days. I think it would be best to have this conversation with her. She has missed you very much, and she would love to see you once she wakes up. She will feel very different, she'll be scared, and she would love to have something familiar around her—especially her best friend."

I couldn't help but feel bad for Jacob. I had taken not only Bella's life, but Jacob's best friend. I had torn everybody's life to pieces, and I didn't know how to fix them. Guilt was something heavy on my shoulders these past few days, and I deserved to feel nothing less.

"I have to tell the pack about this. I have to let them know what's going on."

I nodded in agreement. I knew Jacob was a werewolf the day he had shut Bella out of his life. I didn't want to tell her, because she had enough going on. "You have to tell her," I stated, looking back up at him. "If I knew one thing, it was that she missed you. She hurt because you were gone. She'll understand, you can tell her."

"For once I agree with you, Edward," Jacob answered. "I'm staying away for now because Bella needs time, but know that I have no idea how the elders are going to take to this."

"Well, tell them they can come to us, and we can figure this out like adults," Carlisle said, nodding at Jacob.

Jacob just looked at us with what I could only assume was disgust and stormed out of the room. I knew he was more upset then he was letting on, but I didn't want to urge him to continue. It wouldn't be good for any of us. I knew there was only one way he could release his anger, pain, and hurt, and my assumption was proven true when I heard a howl as he ran through the forest.

It was the third day of Bella's transformation and she should be awake by sunset. I was excited and anxious to see her, but yet scared that she would be disgusted and full of hate towards me. Esme, who had been keeping me company all day, said Bella wasn't capable of hate and disgust. I could only hope she was right.

Before I let Esme sit in my place and have the chance to talk to her, I took the opportunity to say something else. I had this feeling she was unhappy, that she was very sad—emotionally distressed. "Hey, Bella. I'm not going anywhere, okay?" I sighed, grabbed both sides of her face and pressed my lips against hers. They were mixed between hard and soft; they were no longer warm, but luke-warm. I knew then that her transformation would be complete soon. Her body was becoming stiff as well. My chest constricted with excitement and fear—I was torn between the two.

I let Esme sit beside Bella and keep her company while I paced the room, thinking of what I was going to say to her once she woke up. I stopped in my tracks and looked at Esme when I heard her voice.

"Bella?" Esme cooed. I saw her pick up her hand and rub her arm slowly, smiling at her. My heart sunk at the scene before me. Bella then thrashed, which ripped her hand out of Esme's grasp and she turned over on her side. I rushed over, but Esme put her hand up to stop me. "Edward, please stay back, I can handle this. She just turned over. Relax," she said with a small smile. I nodded and took one step back. It took everything out of me to do so. She turned back to Bella and placed her hand on her shoulder, and the other one to stroke her hair back. "Bella, can you turn around for me? Are you okay?"

"Esme, she can't hear you?"

Esme looked at me as if she were offended. "How do you know, Edward?" she said angrily. It shocked me, as I had never heard an upset tone come from her. "This is her last day. She has to be frightened. We are going to talk to her like as a person, not an experiment," she then said sternly.

"I'm sorry. I understand."

I didn't know what had gotten into Esme, but she had to have been under a lot of stress, too. I couldn't blame her. She took care of this family and put everybody first before herself. Nobody ever stopped to think if she was okay or needed anything. It was times like these that I realized the little things she did to hold our family together. I would have to make it up to her soon.

"My darling, it's me," she soothed, rubbing circles on Bella's back. "Edward needs you. He's waiting for you." I covered my mouth in despair. I missed Bella so much. I just wanted her to wake up—to be okay. She must have felt completely helpless. I needed her… "He loves you so much, my love. He can't wait for you to wake—" Esme was interrupted by a scream that erupted from Bella's throat. She screamed on the top of her lungs and growled out inaudible words.

Esme knew this would set me off, so she lifted her hand to stop my advances without looking at me. I growled out in frustration at feeling so useless.

"We love you, Bella," she choked out, and then kissed her temple. "Edward, I'll leave you two alone now. Call us up if you need anything."

I nodded in response. "Thank you, Esme."

It had been exactly seventy-two hours and Bella has yet to wake up. Carlisle said that she was making progress because her body had significantly changed. Even I noticed that. He said that the change was more or less complete, and that it now just needed to reach her heart for the transformation to be finished.

I looked at the clock and time passed so slowly, as if it wasn't moving at all. I looked at Bella, watching and waiting to see any sudden movements or hints that she was conscious.

Bella was my world—my everything.

I watched her—I watched her closely. Every second of every day I watched her.

She was within my arm's reach, struggling, in pain, and there was nothing I could do.

It tore my undead heart to watch her whimper, scream, wail, and thrash around.

The tightening within my stomach and guilt-ridden conscience ripped me apart as I saw her skin progress to translucent. It ripped me apart as I saw her veins protrude from her skin as my…

"Edward?" I looked towards Alice, but I had to look away, unable to take in her worried, despair-filled features. "Edward, she'll be okay. She'll get through this. I can see it." I nodded, and it took every fiber of my soulless being to believe her—to have faith in her visions.

"Alice, can you stay here. She'd like that," I whispered, looking up at her.

She smiled and nodded. "Of course." Alice sat beside me, and grabbed my hand that was free from Bella's. "I can't wait to see her. From what I can tell she'll look beautiful. Another hour or two, Edward," she stated, bouncing up and down in the chair.

I smiled at her and looked back at Bella. "I hope she won't be upset with me."

"Edward, you don't have much faith in her love for you, do you? This was what she wanted. It wouldn't be something she would be upset with. I think she would take it as a pleasant surprise." She smiled.

I didn't respond, but yet looked back at Bella and only hoped that she would take it as a pleasant surprise. I sure did.

About an hour and a half later, Bella started moaning words, but I still couldn't decipher them. Alice got up off her seat and looked at me smiling with her eyes wide with shock.

"I think…I think she's waking up, Edward," she rushed out, and I ran up beside Bella.

Bella started kicking her legs and trying to lift herself off the bed. "Bella? Bella, please. Bella, wake up, please," I begged. I didn't want her to suffer anymore—I refused. She needed to wake up, and if I had to force her, then so-be-it. "My love, please wake up."

Bella started moving her whole body and thrashing her arms around. "NO!" Bella screamed out as she thrashed.

_Oh, God…She's awake._

_Oh, Bella._

"Hurry! Help me! She's thrashing," I called out, and Alice helped me confine her to the mattress. I soon heard Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper come to the entrance of my room, staring with anticipation. I looked over at them and they were all smiling, including Rosalie, at Bella's conscious state. I couldn't help but smile back at them. My heart grew thousands at the moment.

My smile soon vanished when Bella started screaming out again. "Help me! Get me out of here!"

"Edward, we have done everything we can. You have to leave her now," Carlisle answered.

I looked back at him and narrowed my eyes. "You have to help her! Help her, Carlisle!"

"Edward, I said there is nothing we can do now. Please, let her get through this. We can't do anything. I have administered morphine for the pain, but that's all I can do."

I punched the mattress underneath Bella. "Damn you!" I roared.

I left the room and everybody followed me. We all sat in dead silence as we heard screams of anguish come from the room upstairs. "Edward, I'm sorry," Emse said, and the rest of the family nodded in agreement.

I ignored them. I ignored everything they had to say. I didn't want to hear it. After a few moments, there was nothing but silence emanating from upstairs. I looked at everybody and we all stared at each other.

"She's done!" Alice yelled out happily.

I ran up the stairs faster than I had ever thought possible. I didn't even come to mind what she would do once she saw me—I didn't care. My Bella was back.

I stopped at the threshold of the door and saw her laying there. Tears in the fitted sheets surrounded her, and I saw her lift her hands and look at them. She opened them and shreds of my sheets dropped from her palms. I swallowed thickly, not knowing whether or not to say something to her. I didn't want to frighten her. I was scared she wouldn't remember—it terrified me—but I tried my best not to think of that scenario.

I had to have faith that she would remember—Bella told me she would.

I walked further into her room and stood by the bed. I could see that her eyes were open and they were glowing red. Chills ran up my spine with the excitement of seeing her. She was absolutely beautiful. She smelled different— like pine mixed with freesias. It was unique—it was Bella. My unnecessary breaths were quick and labored, as my nervousness was at its peak.

She sat up suddenly, and I stopped moving. She stared at me with eager eyes, as if she couldn't believe I was here. The look of recognition crossed her face, and she smiled slightly. It soon vanished, however, when she looked around the room, and then back to me.

Not even two seconds later she was standing in front of me. She didn't move or say anything, and I suddenly felt uneasy. "Bella?"

Suddenly she spoke and her voice was like velvet, so musical. "Why, Edward? That's all I want to know. Why?" she spat out.

I was confused by her anger, and I thought maybe she disagreed with her transformation. As I opened my mouth to plead with her to forgive me, she slapped me across the face. Shocked by her sudden aggression, I stayed facing the side. I smiled as I looked back to her, knowing that she'd be my fighter. "Welcome back, my love."


End file.
